Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! Nothing important ever happens on this show!

The show started with Daniel Bryan coming down to the ring for a match with the Miz. As Miz & Mizdow were coming out, they showed a strategy meeting between the pair, where Miz reminisced about his days mentoring Bryan on NXT. Miz compared Mizdow now to Bryan then, and said that he may not like all the things he makes him do but he’s teaching him so he can become better.

So, yeah, they had a match. Or, rather, Daniel Bryan hit all of his signature moves on Miz, who made a brief comeback, before Bryan made him tap with the Yes! Lock. Miz had sent Mizdow to the back, and when he returned he couldn’t help but look pleased at his boss’s loss.

Hey, it’s The Ryback! I wonder what he’s out here for? Oh. He’s fighting Kane. Fuck this show already.

This went less than four minutes and was the third longest match on the show. It was not good. The Ryback won with the Shell Shock. Pointless.

The announcers discussed that time on Raw when Dean Ambrose forced Bad News Barrett to sign a contract for an Intercontinental title match that would not stand up in any court in the land. Or any land.

Dean Ambrose came down to ringside and sat in with the announcers. Then R-Truth came out, doing his rap-rap-rapping thing. Barrett, weirdly, was already in the ring.

So Barrett and Truth had a match, with Barrett having the best of it, all the while trying to trash-talk Ambrose, who was doing such a great job of ignoring him that it was kinda sad.

Barrett was about to hit the Bullhammer for the finish when he realised that Ambrose wasn’t paying attention and Truth rolled him up while he was shouting at Ambrose. Which surely gives R-Truth a shot down the line?

Ambrose walked to the back, still ignoring Barrett, who was ranting like a madman. Like I said, kinda sad.

Bray Wyatt cut a talky from wherever he cuts his talkies from. He said he’d find whoever he was talking to if they didn’t find him. PULL THE TRIGGER ALREADY.

I don’t usually tell you the bits where they re-cap Raw, because why would I? But they re-capped the bit on Raw where Goldust and Stardust broke up and I didn’t realise it was a re-cap. I was marvelling at the wonders that Dusty Rhodes had worked with his two sons when I finally realised. that’s what this show can do to you sometimes.

Anyway, back to Smackdown. A New Day were down in the ring, awaiting their opponents. It’s was The Ascension. The Ascension cut an inset promo on Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes for being old. *Sigh*.

So Xavier Woods & Big E fought Konnor & Viktor and The Ascension won. That’s really all you need to know. These guys are all dead in the water, even if The Ascension are unbeaten.

Hey, it’s Luke Harper! He didn’t get an entrance again so we didn’t get to hear his Skynyrd-esque music. Booooooooo! He’s fighting Roman Reigns because I don’t know.

They had a match, and it was okay. One of Reigns’s better singles outings for a while, anyway, if a bit Reigns-by-numbers. He won after no-selling Harper’s superkick (which has killed lesser, puny men) and hitting the spear for the win.

Wasn’t it nice to see Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns not take on Kane and the Big Show? Maybe the Big Show will even be off this show altogether?

Oh, it’s the Big Show. He came down to the ring to fight Erick Rowan. Because we must be punished.

Show attacked Rowan before the match started and beat him up good on the outside. He threw him inside and the ref asked Rowan if he wanted to start the match and the dumb bastard said he did. Show won with a chokeslam. Poor Erick Rowan.

All these short matches make for a long fucking show.

Crap, it’s Cameron. Remember when Cameron tried to pin someone who was lying on their front? If I were the ref in that match I’d have just walked out. Anyway, she’s fighting Paige, and the Bellas are on commentary. They’re wearing sunglasses because Paige’s skin is so pale. There is so much wrong with this angle that I don’t even know where to start.

So Cameron and Paige had a match and it was bad. Not really bad, but bad. Paige won with a ghost superkick and the PTO. Blah blah blah.

Backstage Renee spoke to Goldust. He did a really good talky about how Stardust is a cancer who is eating his brother alive. He said he’ll have to do the most difficult thing he’s ever done – beat his brother at Fastlane.

Stardust then popped up on a TV behind Goldust and Backstage Renee. He said that, after Fastlane, Cody won’t be the only one to cease to exist – the world will also forget the name… Goldust. This was good.

Hey, it’s the Usos! And Mrs Uso! Jimmy is fighting Tyson Kidd, who is here with Cesaro and Mrs Kidd. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I would say they had a match but after less than a minute Rusev ran down and destroyed the Usos and Kidd. Cesaro, wisely, stayed out of his way. Three quarters of Sunday’s tag-team title match beaten by a mid-carder (admittedly, a high mid-carder). Russo-esque.

Rusev ranted about Cena while Lana looked on from the top of the ramp. I guess with Cena not working these shows they have to sacrifice someone…

It’s (finally) time for our main event! It’s Dolph Ziggler versus Seth Rollins, and J&J Security are banned from ringside. They keep interfering in his matches, you see.

The match began slowly and they threw to a commercial break early, with Rollins on top. When they came back after the break, the first thing we saw was The Ryback & Erick Rowan at ringside. Then the announcers told us they were there because Kane & the Big Show had come to ringside.

So let me get this straight: J&J Security are banned from ringside but two bigger dudes are allowed in their place? I guess it’s because Kane & the Big Show have never interfered on Rollins’s behalf. Ever. Fuck this fucking show.

So, yeah, Rollins won when Kane distracted Ziggler, and by “distracted” I mean got up on the apron in a match he wasn’t part of. Yeah.

After the match, they all brawled and all three good guys got kerb stomped for their trouble and the heels stood tall at the end of the show, like anyone could possibly care.

This was a Bad Show. It had lots of short, crappy matches, and nothing much else to compensate for that. I am not excited for the PPV on Sunday because they’ve done a terrible job of getting there. Yay for Wrestlemania season, am I right?