Hey, it’s WWE Raw! Watch, disgusted, as WWE performs what the papers would call a “sex act” on Roman Reigns!

The show started with Randy Orton coming down to the ring. The crowd were very pleased to see him. He said he wasn’t there for a long-winded 20-minute promo, speech, or monologue, like some other people, and instantly became the best wrestler in the world.

He said he had to get a few things off his chest, about Seth Rollins and The Authority, and they replayed what happened on Raw last November, where he ended up kerb-stomped on the steel steps.

He called out Rollins and HHH’s music played, instead, bringing out The Authority – minus Rollins.

Stephanie took the mic’ and welcomed Orton back. She told him he’d made a huge return to the WWE at Fast Lane, and that she still wanted him to be the Face of the WWE.

He told her to back off, and said he wanted nothing to do with them. All the while this was going on, HHH looked distracted and Kane had an angry scowl on his face. For about 5 minutes. Without cracking once.

Stephanie again asked him to come back to The Authority, but he told her he’d rather kick ass than kiss ass. This brought Big Show in, and he told Orton that joining The Authority was the best decision he ever made.

Stephanie then said that Orton was not a good guy and had done some vile, despicable things, especially to her. She proposed a business conference, and he – after some contemplation – agreed to meet.

Hey, it’s Bad News Barrett! He came down to the ring and demanded his title back from Dean Ambrose, who stole the belt at Fast Lane. They went to commercial, and Barrett was still ranting at Ambrose when they came back. I’d like to think he kept it up for the live crowd the entire time.

Dolph Ziggler’s music interrupted him, and Ziggler came to the ring for a non-title match. R-Truth, who beat Barrett in another non-title match on Smackdown, sat in on commentary.

They had a decent enough match, and R-Truth signalled that he wanted a title match after his victory. Ziggler won with the Zig Zag, putting him in the frame for a title match, too.

After the match, Ambrose came down to the ring with the belt, and taunted Barrett. He and Ziggler had a little exchange, and Ambrose left, still holding onto the belt, while Barrett yelled at him. It looks like they’re doing a four-way feud.

The announcers trailed a video package for later in the show, called “A Man Called Sting”. God, I miss that song.

Backstage, The Authority had their business meeting with Randy Orton. Seth Rollins was there. Rollins spoke over Stephanie to ask HHH if he was really going to let Orton rejoin The Authority and Stephanie bawled him out for being rude and selfish. HHH, again, looked distracted the whole time.

Stephanie asked Orton if he could find it in his heart to forgive The Authority for carrying out Rollins’s plan to take him out, and Rollins was angry at being thrown under the bus. Orton extended his hand to Rollins, who reluctantly shook.

Stephanie then booked a tag match for the main event – Rollins and Orton versus Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns…

Back in the arena, the Prime Time Players – Darren Young and Titus O’Neil – were in the ring awaiting their opponents, The Ascension.

The Ascension came to the ring and cut an inset promo on the latest inductees into the WWE Hall of Fame, the Bushwhackers. *Sigh*

The Ascension, after getting beat up by some old men on Raw last month, have been getting a bit of a push, and are undefeated, so it made no sense for them to lose here, to a team nobody cares about.

So they lost. The match wasn’t that bad, and they’re growing into their roles a little, but it’s still obvious that they’re dead in the water.

After a break, Roman Reigns came down to the ring, wearing a t-shirt instead of that awful flak jacket. He said it had been a crazy month, and then told us all about it. He said he knew most people were rooting for the other guy and Daniel Bryan’s music played.

Bryan came down to the ring. He said he saw Reigns win the Rumble and the crowd booed. And he knew that Reigns deserved a chance to headline Wrestlemania, and the crowd booed some more. He said he felt like all these people – inside, he just booed and booed. He said a lot of people saw promise in Reigns but he was his biggest doubter. The crowd chanted “Yes!” at that.

He said that he had heart and that the crowd didn’t think Reigns does, and that’s why they booed him. But, he said, Reigns proved at Fast Lane that he did have heart, and “you, sir, beat me.” Some women cheered at that.

Bryan said all he had left was to congratulate Reigns, and that he would be proud to team with him later tonight. He also asked Reigns to do him one more favour and beat the crap out of Lesnar at Wrestlemania.

As Bryan left, Paul Heyman appeared, and marched down to the ring to congratulate Reigns. This is like a roast. He said he was not surprised by Reigns winning at Fast Lane, because his money has always been on Reigns. He said that his money would be on Reigns against Sammartino, Hogan, Andre, the Rock, Steve Austin, HHH, and Cena. He really did.

But, he said, they were all men, and Reigns wasn’t facing a man, he was facing a beast in Brock Lesnar, and that at the end of the match the ring announcer would declare that Lesnar was still champion.

Reigns told Heyman to move a few steps to his left, for some odd reason, then asked him to tell him again that he couldn’t be Lesnar. He called it motivation. He said that when he beat Lesnar for the title, Lesnar wouldn’t like him. “Believe that,” he said, to end the segment.

After they were done fellating Roman Reigns in a desperate attempt to get him over, they moved onto another match – a re-match for the WWE Tag Team titles, with the Usos facing new champions Tyson Kidd & Cesaro.

The wives were out again, but they didn’t show the double date fiasco again. Shame, as I was getting to quite like hearing Jimmy Uso say, “ignant”.

They had the usual Usos versus Kidd & Cesaro match, and while it’s technically not a bad match it’s all we’ve been watching for a month. They really need to stop doing this all the time.

The finish came when Kidd tried to pin Jimmy Uso with his feet on the ropes and Naomi pushed the feet off. Natalya came over and shoved Naomi to the ground, while Jimmy Uso climbed to the top rope for a splash. Natalya grabbed him and the ref called for a DQ. Naomi then pulled Natalya down off the apron and Natalya fell badly on her ankle and had to be helped to the back.

Backstage, the Miz waited for Mizdow to appear and, when he did, complained that his jacket had lint all over it. Mizdow tried to say he had an announcement, but Miz cut him off with an announcement of his own – he was going to be in the second annual Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania.

Mizdow cut him off and thanked Miz for firing him as his stunt double. He said that now he was out of Miz’s shadow he had gotten an offer to do a commercial. Miz tried to act pleased for Mizdow, and told him to take care of the lint.

In a funeral parlour somewhere, Bray Wyatt cut a promo on the Undertaker, taunting him about losing at last year’s Wrestlemania. This is getting better with more focus.

Hey, it’s Stardust! He came down to the ring as JBL ragged on him for disrespecting “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. This was a cue for Jack Swagger to appear, to defend Rhodes’s honour. They showed a tweet where Swagger called Stardust out. The 21st Century, everyone.

Stardust attacked Swagger early and the crowd started chanting, “Cody! Cody!”, which made him crazy. Swagger tried to apply the Patriot Lock but Stardust escaped and hit a neckbreaker.

Suddenly, Goldust’s music played and he came out to the top of the ramp. Distracted, Stardust fell pray to the Patriot Lock once more, and quickly submitted. This feud must continue!

After a break, John Cena came out to address his future after losing to Rusev at Fast Lane. He said he took his hat off to Rusev, and that it was a true championship contest, and then told how Rusev had won by foul means.

He said he lost, and Rusev won, but that Rusev proved to the whole world that he is a coward. This brought Rusev and Lana out, and Lana said that Cena had been humiliated by a superior athlete and human being. Harsh.

Rusev ran down Cena and America, and Cena told him he could say all he liked about him, but not to disrespect America. Fuck yeah!

He said Americans get knocked down but they always get back up. He vowed revenge on Rusev at Wrestlemania but Rusev told him he was a quitter who didn’t deserve a re-match.

The Russian flag dropped and Sad John Cena stood in the ring as JBL speculated that Cena might not even be at Wrestlemania this year…

Backstage, Randy Orton was warming up for the main event. Seth Rollins walked in, and Orton ordered J&J Security outside. Rollins said they he knew that Orton hated him, and Orton cut him off, saying that hate was a strong word. He said he won’t forget what Rollins had done to him but that they could work together. Rollins walked off, excited, while Orton stared after him, looking smug.

Hey, it’s Paige! She came down to the ring and then had to wait for five minutes while they showed the Sting video package. #GiveDivasAChance, eh?

The Sting video went through his career as the All-American and the Crow, and ended with the death of WCW. It was a nice package for people who might not know anything about Sting. After all, he’s been retired for fourteen years.

Back in the arena, Emma had joined Paige, and they’re tagging against the Bella Twins. Paige was really angry at the Bellas, but Emma tried to calm her down and started the match off with Brie.

Thirty seconds later, Brie had pinned Emma. Best Divas match ever. After the match, Paige kicked Brie in the face, but Nikki smashed her out. Yeah, I don’t know either.

After a break, they announced that the Bushwhackers would be going into the WWE Hall of Fame.

Curtis Axel was in the ring, still doing his funny #Axelmania schtick. In fact, he had a t-shirt. The Ryback came out and told Axel to shut up. He talked about their tag-team being great, and even Axel looked like he didn’t believe that one.

They then had a match. Axel took control early – and I mean really early – before it was all over after forty-five seconds when The Ryback pinned him with the Shell Shock. Poor Curtis Axel.

Hey, it’s our main event! Rollins came down first, with J&J Security and Kane and the Big Show, and introduced Orton himself, in a slightly over-the-top way.

Reigns came down through the crowd, wearing his flak jacket (boooooooo!) and Bryan joined him the ring after some Yes!ercise with the crowd.

They had a decent match, and there was no dissention on either team, both pairs working together well. Disappointingly.

Then, when Orton had Reigns set up for his draping DDT, Rollins tagged himself in. Orton looked mad, and hit the DDT, but then stepped out of the ring to allow Rollins in.

Before long, Rollins got pinned after Bryan hit the Running Knee on him, and Orton got mad. Kane and the Big Show tried to calm him down, but he got into the ring and then… the screen went black. We still had sound and the announcers didn’t sound like Orton had attacked Rollins.

Sure enough, when the feed came back, Orton RKO’d Mercury, but left Rollins alone, much to Seth’s surprise. He helped Rollins up and that’s your show.

This was a Bad Show. For a change, it didn’t seem overly long, but it was in no way compelling. It had two major problems. The first was the desperate rub they tried to give to Reigns in the middle of the show, and the second was Orton’s mere presence.

Just like Bryan coming back too early to distract from Reigns winning the Rumble, Orton has come back to fans that desperately want to cheer him, but letting them do so would push Reigns further down the pecking order.

Instead, they’ve shoe-horned Orton back into The Authority, acting against character, in an attempt to hold off those cheers. It’s false and unnecessary when they could have held off his return another few weeks. It seems like they’re just making it difficult for themselves…

Leave a Reply