Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! And we’re on a roll of good WWE TV this week!

The show started with the new WWE Heavyweight Champion, Seth Rollins, coming down to the ring with J&J Security and the people everyone wants to see first thing on the show – The Big Show & Kane!

Michael Cole, who the WWE stupidly claimed had suffered a cervical fracture (the same injury which killed el Hijo del Perro Aguayo a week before), was off the show selling his injury, so Tom (Todd) Phillips was back.

Rollins said his plan had worked perfectly and he’d solidified himself as the new face of WWE. He said that Monday night, on Raw, just wasn’t Brock Lesnar’s night. He said if Lesnar hadn’t gone crazy and got himself suspended for attacking innocent announcers and cameramen, they could have had their title re-match on Smackdown tonight. Yeah, that wouldn’t have happened.

Randy Orton interrupted and said that he’d beaten Rollins at Wrestlemania before Rollins cashed in his Money In The Back shot. And now Lesnar was out of the picture, he was at the front of the line for title shots.

Rollins said that he decided when people would have title shots, and Orton hit back that Rollins had never done anything by himself. He ran down Rollins’s cohorts in the ring, and was particularly barbed about Kane, saying he had no real power.

Kane, not happy, said he had plenty of power and could even give Orton that title shot at Extreme Rules. First, though, he made a match: Orton versus The Big Show. Starting immediately.

So they had a match. Well, you could call it that. It lasted a minute and ended in a DQ when J&J Security ran in as Orton was about to finish The Big Show off.

After the match, Rollins came in to finish the job but Orton popped up and hit a Thesz Press before the heels beat him down again. Suddenly, The Ryback’s music hit, and he destroyed J&J Security, while Orton hit Kane with an RKO. Orton & The Ryback celebrated in the ring as Rollins looked on from the ramp…

The announcers told us that, because Sheamus had injured Ziggler on Raw, the Bryan & Ziggler versus Barrett & Sheamus match promised for tonight was now just a Bryan versus Sheamus match.

Hey, it’s the Bella Twins! They joined the announcers for commentary for the next match – Naomi versus evil Natalya.

The had an okay match. Nothing too bad. Good, in fact, for these women. The Bellas talked up Naomi, so I guess she’s getting the next title shot and she won using her ass. Because it’s big, see? #GiveDivasAChance(ToBeSexualObjects)

Backstage, Rollins approached Kane and apologised for getting him RKO’d and said that the look on Orton’s face when Kane pretended that he might make a Rollins-Orton match for Extreme Rules was priceless.

An annoyed Kane said he wasn’t pretending, and he was considering making that match. Rollins said that it stinks. Then he said, “no, really, it stinks – this office stinks” and out walked Dean Ambrose, who had just taken a shit in Kane’s toilet.

Kane told Ambrose that, for taking a shit in a toilet, he’d have to face Luke Harper later. I HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW.

They showed a sit-down interview with Roman Reigns. Byron Saxton was asking the questions. It was dull as fuck. Can. Will. Blah. Blah. Remember when Austin & Hogan & Flair used to do those quiet, sit-down interviews?

Hey, it’s The Miz! He’s on his own! He’s out to fight R-Truth, because I don’t know. The Miz won in, like, a minute and a half. Nothing match.

Then Mizdow came out of nowhere and gave The Miz the Skullcrushing Finale, before putting on the sunglasses and posing. So he turned on his boss at Wrestlemania and beat him up here? Who’s the babyface again?

After a break, John Cena came out and cut a promo about ‘Murica and how he’d be a fighting champion, and would defend the belt every week on Raw. Fuck Smackdown, eh?

Rusev and Lana came out. Lana had a bandage on her ankle, selling her fall at Wrestlemania. Lana said that Cena was not half the man Rusev is and isn’t worthy to be champion.

Rusev demanded the mic’ from her and said that he did not lose at Wrestlemania. Erm, he did. I saw it. He said he was a Russian tank and that this was “Rusev domain. This is Rusev country. This is Rusev world!”

He said that unless Cena relinquished the title Rusev would whup him for it at Extreme Rules and signalled for the Russian flag to fall from the rafters. It did not. Cena cocked an eyebrow and pointed up and the ‘MURICAN FLAG dropped. Cena pledged allegiance to kick Rusev’s ass.

This is good stuff from the people involved but fuck all the patriotic shit.

Hey, it’s Dean Ambrose! Luke Harper was already in the ring because entrances are for suckers, amiright?

They went back and forth early doors and cut to commercial about two minutes in. Back three minutes later. Why do that? WHY???

The match ended in a no-contest when Harper powerbombed Ambrose through the announcers’ table, a call back to him putting him through a ladder at Wrestlemania.

After the match, Harper threw some chairs around and scared some goons, before walking off. After a commercial they showed Ambrose being helped to the back by medics.

The Prime Time Players cut an excruciatingly bad promo on The New Day. BLACK ON BLACK VIOLENCE!

Hey, it’s Sheamus! The crowd chanted “you look stupid” at him, although I’m not sure they actually did. The sound was odd all night and there were times you could hear the fans going wild for the action when the camera showed them sat on their hands. I know you don’t want a dead show but come on!

He said he did what he did on Raw because he could. He was here to put all the underdogs out of their misery. Okay.

Band News Barrett joined the commentary team as Daniel Bryan made his entrance. The crowd chanted “YES!”. Or maybe they didn’t. I don’t know what’s real any more.

So Bryan and Sheamus had a match and it was a decent match. Bryan bled hardway when his head caught the announcers’ table and then Barrett gave him a Bullhammer behind the ref’s back and knocked him cold. Sheamus won by count-out. COUNT-OUT. IN A MAIN EVENT. FFS.

Sheamus celebrated as the doctor checked on Bryan and that’s your show. Yes, Bryan has been Intercontinental champion for less than a week and he’s already lost. Hey, if it makes Vince laugh, it must be okay, right?

This was a FRUSTRATING SHOW. It wasn’t bad but there were so many things that just made me ANGRY. The women were treated like meat, fights were made because of actual shitting in toilets, babyfaces acted like jerks, three out of the five matches had no clean finish, and the burial of the IC champion continues.

This had been a week when they’d done so many things right and they’ve already fallen back into old habits. Hope springs, eh?