Hey, it’s WWE Raw! Guess what? Same old shit!
The show opened with Byron Saxton still filling in for Michael Cole. Wow, his injuries must be bad! JBL & Booker T returned, though. JBL claimed he’d had surgery for a herniated stomach or some other shit. This show is off to a GREAT start.
Seth Rollins, J&J Security, Kane & The Big Show were in the ring. The announcers told us that HHH & Stephanie were on vacation. Ha, like McMahons ever take holidays!
The crowd were giving Rollins shit, and you’ve got to say that this crowd was the most WWE crowd the WWE could have hoped for. They didn’t even boo Reigns much later. The Big Show took the mic’ and told them to show some respect.
Rollins said that the biggest takeaway from Wrestlemania was that The Authority always wins. He said they’d made moments all night long. HHH had hammered the final nail into the coffin of (WWE-owned) WCW by “single-handedly” beating Sting, The Big Show had won the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal (which must be forever spoken of in its full title), and Kane, well, Kane was there, too.
The Big Show said he was no longer in Andre The Giant’s shadow, adding that he never was. He said that the show ended with a new WWE champion – a true fighting champion with honour, dignity, and respect.
Rollins thanked The Big Show and WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY STILL TALKING ABOUT WRESTLEMANIA??? THERE’S BEEN TWO SHOWS SINCE THEN! proclaimed himself the greatest champion of all-time. He handed the mic’ to Kane, who was interrupted by Randy Orton…
Orton came out and reminded Rollins that he beat him one-on-one, with the best RKO of his career. It was pretty sweet. Rollins called Orton a whiny complainer but Orton said he was just telling it like it is, and that he deserved another match against Rollins – this time for the WWE title.
Orton asked Kane to make the match – that is, he said, if he didn’t have to ask mommy and daddy first. Kane got angry, saying he still had power and he needed to be shown respect!
Kane said that tonight’s main event would be a triple threat to decide the number one contender. And then, because he’s an idiot, he put three babyfaces in it – Orton, Roman Reigns, and The Ryback.
Furthermore, and because half the roster is already in the UK for next week’s shows, each man will have to wrestle twice. And Orton would start right then – against Kane.
The logic of this is puzzling. The intent is obviously to wear Orton down with a match with Kane so he doesn’t win the triple threat match later. But then why put him in it in the first place? And if you have to, why put Orton’s match on first, when he’ll have the most time to recover? And why… oh, fuck it, why bother?
So Randy Orton and Kane had a match and it was not a good match because Kane. It ended in a DQ, thus cutting short the exertion and punishment Orton could have taken before the main event. Fuck this show.
The announcers immediately told us that The Ryback would be facing Luke Harper, and Roman Reigns would fight The Big Show. Firstly, does that mean that Kane had this planned all along, or that he’s telepathic and mind-beamed it into Saxton’s brain on his way up the ramp? And, secondly, THE BIG SHOW??? FUCK OFF!!!
The announcers told us that AJ Lee had sadly retired and left a tweet with the usual motivational bullshit that these positive thinking people come up with as her legacy.
Backstage, some guy who I had to be told was former Raw GM Brad Maddox (I was away on that island!) was trying to suck up to Kane when Rollins burst in.
Rollins was mad with Kane and warned him that HHH & Stephanie wouldn’t be happy with him. Kane said that they couldn’t be reached which meant he was still in charge. He said he was doing what was best for business and Rollins facing a worthy challenger at Extreme Rules was best.
Rollins still wasn’t happy so Kane said he’d do something else that was best for business – put him in a match. Next!
Hey, it’s Seth Rollins! We just saw him! He came down to the ring for his match, accompanied by J&J Security. Rollins was in the ring through a commercial break, and through a lengthy plug of April being a free month on the network – they should sell it as being nought noughty nought – and then finally his opponent was revealed…
It was Neville. The crowd exploded into “NXT!” chants and Rollins laughed at the idea of having to face such a n00b.
Rollins got on the mic’ and said Neville should tell the people about himself, and then snatched it away just as he was about to speak. Phew, near miss. He then said Neville should sit this one out, which Neville answered by roundhouse-kicking him in the “lower abdomen”.
The ref checked Rollins and he agreed to start the match, and then they had a decent match, which didn’t make Neville look like a chump and protected the world champion. Rollins won when Neville was about hit the Red Arrow, only for J&J Security to interfere, and a kerb stomp later it was all over.
After the match, Rollins hit another kerb stomp and taunted Neville some. He and J&J Security then left, leaving Neville in the ring.
What I’m about to say is pointless. Because wins and losses don’t matter any more in the WWE. And most of its fans have accepted that, either by osmosis or with a begrudging sigh.
So, in the WWE Universe, Neville losing to Rollins doesn’t matter. Rollins is world champion and Neville is brand new, and just hanging in the ring with the world champion should give him a rub, right? Well, maybe, but it’s a rub they didn’t need to give him.
Neville is new and that’s an opportunity. It’s an opportunity for a fresh face to stir up the same old shit into something vaguely exciting. Not just Neville, but the Lucha Dragons, a returning Sheamus, and whatever other surprises they’ve still got in store.
What you don’t do, assuming you’re booking any semblance of a historically-successful wrestling promotion, is have him lose on his SECOND night in. Remember when Goldberg lost to WCW World Champion Hollywood Hogan on his second Nitro? And that was WCW, for Christ’s sake!
Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t matter. But still. It rankles. Rant over.
Hey, it’s John Cena! He came out for his weekly open challenge for the United States championship.
He acknowledged the split crowd, and said that half of them would be happy to see him defend the title and the other half should be happy that he might lose it.
After some more talky that was good on style, low on substance, out came Stardust. Yes, Stardust. US title match ahoy!
Eh, it was an okay match, And Cena beat Stardust with the Attitude Adjustment. Stardust looked good in parts, but he’s also looked a jerk lately so what does that say about Cena? Still, all things equal, this was decent.
Backstage, the Bella Twins were shown walking down a corridor – they’re up next!
After a break, the Bellas were in the ring awaiting their opponents for a tag match. Paige came out. Wait, hasn’t Paige got no friends? Well, she had AJ Lee but she’s gone to a farm in the countryside where she can skip with other pederast-bait.
Oh, it’s Naomi. Just go with it. This was not a good match. Naomi pinned Nikki Bella, for the second time in a week, to win the match for her team.
The Prime Time Players, cut a hilarious promo on The New Day and The Ascension. I’m not going to mince my words here: this was the drizzling shits. It shames everyone involved in it that it exists, and you & I for even knowing about it.
Hey, it’s Luke Harper! He was already in the ring for his match with The Ryback. Hey, Harper – you’re a warm-up guy! How does that feel?
They had a very simple match and The Ryback won with a sloppy Shell Shock. Harper needs to go back to basics. Stop doing dives and superkicks and dropkicks and start kicking ass, brutally. He’s a good HOSS, booked like Jamie Noble.
Backstage Renee spoke to The New Day. They kinda turned heel a bit but in a way that half led you to think they might have just become retarded. Apparently they clap or they snap. I vote snap.
After a break, The New Day were in the ring. Clapping not snapping. The Lucha Dragons came out – looks like Kalisto is here full-time, then!
They had a decent but short match. Kalisto looked great, and Sin Cara didn’t not look great, so all positives from me.
There was a cool bit in the middle of this where Kofi cheated to help Xavier Woods and Woods stared at him as if to say, “are we heels now?”
Dragons got the win when Kalisto hit a slightly-off Salida del Sol on Xavier Woods, and then Fosbury-flopped over the top rope onto Big E & Kofi Kingston, while Sin Cara hit a swanton bomb on Woods for the pin.
Hey, it’s Roman Reigns! He came out from his usual place opposite the hardcam, although there was sadly no ROMAN IS A WANK PHEASANT sign in the crowd. There was, however, one that read CERO MIEDO. Boss.
The Big Show lumbered out and posed next to the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy. If that thing doesn’t get broke soon, we riot.
Then they had a match. Ten minutes. Ten fucking minutes of The Big Show beating on Reigns. It ended when Reigns hit The Big Show with THREE Superman punches and he still didn’t go down (well, Brock didn’t, so why should he, right?) and then when Show tried to chokeslam him, Reigns escaped and hit a spear for the pin. The kids in the crowd liked it.
Backstage, Kane was on the ‘phone to someone, and told them to pass on a message to HHH & Stephanie that everything was under control. Suddenly, he was surrounded by divas. His greatest fear.
It was Cameron and Summer Rae and Natalya and Alicia Fox, and they were all trying to butter him up. Cameron suggested a Divas Battle Royal – three words which send a shudder down the spine of any sane human – for Raw next week (in London, you lucky people!) and Kane agreed just to get rid of these harridans.
Backstage Renee spoke to Roman Reigns who said that The Big Show could not stop him so wait and see what he did in the main event. Then he cocked his fist and winked. He really doesn’t get it.
Hey, it’s Sheamus! He was in the ring talking everyone down. This brought out Mark Henry, who is from near here, kind of. Henry said he was here for a fight but Sheamus told him he doesn’t fight has-beens. This made Hulk – I mean, Henry – mad and the fight was ON!
After a bit of Henry on top early doors, it was all Sheamus. He killed Henry with the Brogue Kick to for the pin. Simple, effective booking. Not sure it totally works for me, because Sheamus is ridiculous, but I like the intent.
They announced Bryan & Ziggler versus Sheamus & Barrett for Smackdown, which is weird because I presumed that three of those men were already in the UK. Then again, they promised it last week, too, and didn’t deliver so *shrug*.
Fuck me, it’s Bray Wyatt! He cut a talky on “you”, and by “you” I mean “God knows who”. He said INSERT FEUDING WRESTLER B HERE’s entire life had been spent competing against forces of nature but INSERT FEUDING WRESTLER B HERE could not compete against the greatest power – fear. He still claims to be the New Face Of Fear, like Wrestlemania never happened.
Backstage Renee spoke to The Ryback, who still talks like he’s an alien having to learn to talk like humans to fit in. HE MIGHT BE. He said everything was bigger in Texas and he fitted that mould. He said Orton & Reigns would find out why he’s hungry for the WWE title. Because it’s made of chocolate?
The Miz came down to the ring and they aired a trailer for The Marine 4, which he stars in. He applauded himself and then got mad as Mizdow came down to The Miz’s music.
They had a match and Mizdow had most of it but The Miz won with a roll-through and tights-grab. THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE!
Backstage Renee spoke to Randy Orton who said he had no beef with Reigns or The Ryback, and just wanted that number one contender’s spot.
Hey, it’s our main event! It’s Randy Orton versus Roman Reigns versus The Ryback, and the winner takes on Seth Rollins at Extreme Rules!
They traded early and The Authority came onto the ramp to watch proceedings. They each blocked the others’ finishing moves until Reigns hit a spear on The Ryback. He was too pooped to do anything about it, though, as were the other two.
The Authority moved down to ringside and Reigns, because he is an heroic idiot, hit a plancha onto them on the outside. Rollins, who escaped the worst of the impact, stumbled too close to the ring and was grabbed by Orton, who tried to drag him in.
J&J Security made the save, only to find themselves taken out by The Ryback. On the outside, The Big Show hit two knockout punches on Reigns, knocking him out on the ramp. Back in the ring, Orton hit The Ryback with an RKO and got the pin.
This went FIVE minutes. And half of that was interference. Yeah, I know it wouldn’t have been any better if it were any longer, but still! It’s a main event!
After the match, Rollins hit a kerb stomp on Orton and stood over him with the belt because no-one’s getting over tonight. And that’s your show.
This was a Poor Show. It had a few decent matches but was horribly, HORRIBLY booked from start to finish (with the exception of the Sheamus match). It took less than a week to slip into old habits. Opportunities missed all over the shop.