Hey, it’s WWE Raw! And it’s the go-home show for Extreme Rules!

The show started with a shot of a steel cage hanging over the ring – ready, I guess, for the main event at Extreme Rules (six days and eight-hundred miles away).

Randy Orton came out and the cage began to lower to the ground. Orton tested the cage and said that Rollins was a “dumb bastard”.

He said Rollins had chosen to ban the RKO from Sunday’s match, thinking the RKO was Orton’s greatest weapon. But, he said, his greatest weapon was inflicting unspeakable punishment on people he deems worthy. Like Seth Rollins.

Orton vowed to inflict a savage beating on Rollins, breaking his jaw so he can’t talk anymore, and dragging his body to the corner and sticking a boot so deep in his gut that he’d break some ribs.

And then he would grab him by his stupid hair and ram him over, and over, and over, into the steel cage. And once the beating was over, so would Rollins’s reign as WWE World Heavyweight champion be.

This brought out Seth Rollins, who said that Orton had an anger problem, Orton agreed. Rollins said that he was on the way to becoming the great WWE champion of all time. He said that Orton would be not be walking out of Extreme Rules as champion so he should get it all out of his system.

Orton said that was a good idea, and since the RKO was banned on Sunday he’d RKO everyone he sees. And, he promised, by the end of the night, he’d RKO Seth Rollins…

The announcers said that HHH would make an announcement about the return of Tough Enough on tonight’s show.

Hey, it’s Dean Ambrose! He came down to the ring and they went to commercial. I HATE that.

After the break, Luke Harper came out with a mic’ and told Ambrose that he didn’t know why Ambrose didn’t fear him. Then they had a match. Well, they had a brawl. Mostly on the outside and the referee ruled a double count-out for a no-contest.

They brawled through the crowd and up onto the ramp. Harper threw Ambrose into the big screen and tried to powerbomb him off the stage to the floor. Ambrose fought back and Harper threw him off instead, and then took a powder. Ambrose seethed – this feud must continue!

Backstage, Seth Rollins and J&J Security were walking down a corridor. The Prime Time Players jumped out and scared him, and then ran off laughing. A geek was laughing, too, and Rollins chewed him out, saying he might wipe the floor with the next person he sees.

That person was HHH, who asked whether Rollins was okay. Rollins laughed nervously and then asked for extra security. HHH pointed out it was only one man and Rollins tried to style it out.

Hey, it’s the Lucha Dragons! They came down to the ring and they went to commercial. FUCKING STOP IT!

After the break, The New Day were in the ring. This is, apparently, a number one contenders’ match for the WWE Tag Team titles. Yeah, me either.

So they had a decent enough match. Big E & Kofi Kingston worked well with Sin Cara & Kalisto. The New Day won when Sin Cara and Kingston were brawling on the outside and Xavier Woods, hiding under the ring, held onto Sin Cara’s feet so he couldn’t make it back in by the ten count. Yeah, two matches, two count-out finishes. So The New Day go to Extreme Rules to take on Tyson Kidd & Cesaro! Well, the pre-show, anyway…

After the match, The New Day celebrated in the ring and Randy Orton popped up out of nowhere and RKO’d Woods & Kingston. Big E thought about making the save but decided against it.

They showed a video package of the Roman Reigns versus The Big Show feud. BORING.

Curtis Axel was in the ring as Fandango made his way down. Considerably less people in Albany, NY, were dancing than in London, England. No class.

They had a short match that Fandango won with his top rope legdrop. Absolutely nothing was achieved by this being on the show. I can only assume it was an accident or something.

Hey, it’s HHH! He came down to the ring and plugged the return of Tough Enough in June, on the USA Network. FUN FACT! The Miz, The Ryback & Cameron are the only former Tough Enough contestants still working for WWE. This went on for a while and the crowd couldn’t have cared less.

Kane came out because presumably he’d had enough, too, and HHH joked that he was too seasoned to be on Tough Enough. Kane no-sold the joke and said he’d been trying to contact HHH about what happened with Rollins on last week’s Raw.

HHH said he’d been giving Kane a chance to cool down but Kane handed in his resignation as Director of Operations. He said he couldn’t work with the disrespect shown to him by Seth Rollins, a man he helped become WWE champion. He said that he didn’t consider Rollins worthy of HHH’s investment.

HHH told him they should go backstage and talk it out like men. Seth Rollins came out with a mic’ and took umbrage with Kane’s assessment of him. He said that The Authority didn’t need a loser like Kane, so HHH should let him quit.

They went face-to-face and Kane told Rollins that they could have made anyone champion, even el Torito!

HHH tried to calm things down by saying that Kane always did what was best for business, and because of that he was making him “Guardian of the Gate” for the cage match at Extreme Rules. Rollins was as confused by this as we were. HHH said that if anyone wanted to get into the cage they’d have to go through Kane, so Rollins better get on Kane’s good side…

Backstage, Naomi was shown walking down a corridor. She’s out next. Yay?

Backstage, Rollins and Kane were arguing again. Rollins said that Kane was too corporate, and had no hellfire and brimstone left, and Kane vowed to prove the opposite. He walked off and HHH was disappointed.

He told Seth that it took a lot of people to make him WWE champion, including the guy who just walked off. HHH said being WWE champion does not make you the man, but proving it every single night does. He booked Rollins against Dolph Ziggler…

Hey, it’s Naomi! She came down to the ring for her match with Brie Bella, who was out next with her sister, Nikki. Nikki sat in on commentary.

They had a long and boring match, and Naomi won with her bum. It’ll be Naomi versus Nikki for the WWE Divas title at Extreme Rules. I’ve long given up wondering why.

Backstage, various people were eating at craft service. Heath Slater was sat down next to Erick Rowan, and told him he was going to answer John Cena’s open challenge for the WWE United States title tonight. Rowan got up and left and then Randy Orton RKO’d Slater out of nowhere and left him lying in the wreckage of the table.

After a break, Roman Reigns made his way down to the ring. He said he didn’t feel like talking, to the delight of the crowd. Then he said he felt like fighting, to much less delight.

He called out The Big Show but his challenge was answered by Bo Dallas instead. Dallas told Reigns that anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. And he knew that Reigns has suffered.

He said that Reigns could be WWE champion if he worked hard and Bo-lieved and got a Superman punch for his troubles. Reigns finished him with a spear and then said he’d be the Last Man Standing at Extreme Rules and that The Big Show could Bo-Lieve That. Ugh.

Hey, it’s Sheamus! He came down to the ring with a mic’, but didn’t say anything. Zack Ryder was out as his opponent, and Sheamus – still holding the mic’ – told the referee to ring the bell.

Sheamus talked through the three minutes of this match, all the time beating up Ryder (who has probably had better days at work). He said there were too many pretenders and “normal people” in the WWE, and trash-talked Ryder and New York in general.

Dolph Ziggler hit the ring to attack Sheamus, costing Ryder a match he could surely have made a comeback to win. Oh yes he could!

Sheamus took a powder to the ramp and indicated that Ziggler would be kissing his arse at Extreme Rules as Ziggler stood in the ring.

After a break, John Cena came down to the ring. He hyped his match with Rusev at the PPV, and said that Rusev was trying to take the fighting spirit from him. But his name was John Cena (bit obvious, I thought) and he’d done this for ten years.

He sent a message to the undersized and under-appreciated who accept his challenge that he was not in a losing mood tonight. He said his open challenge for the WWE US title started right now…

Aaaaand out came Kane! Kane was in a fighting mood, not an operation directing mood, and so they had a match. A really boring match. And – spoilers! – Cena won, with an AA. Weird.

Somewhere in the arena, Seth Rollins was shown chuckling at Kane’s failure.

Backstage Renee spoke to The Miz to talk about his match with Mizdow on tonight’s show, with the rights to the “Miz” gimmick on the line. Before he could get started, she threw over to Byron Saxton, who had John Cena standing by for an interview. Poor The Miz.

Saxton spoke to Cena, who was attacked by Rusev before he had chance to say much. Rusev laid him out and then put a (presumably Russian) chain across his face and tugged on it. Referees finally separated the pair and Cena rubbed at his face as Rusev was dragged off.

Hey, it’s Mizdow! He came down to the ring with Summer Rae, and then The Miz came out for their match.

And what a match! Nah, I kid, it was functional at best. It ended when Mizdow got raked across the eyes by Summer Rae behind the ref’s back and The Miz pinned him with the Skullcrushing Finale. Treachery! It had all been a confusing ruse!

So let me get this right… Summer Rae appeared in a movie with The Miz. Mizdow ran off The Miz and forced a kiss on Summer Rae, who then pretended to fall in love with him. Then Summer Rae tricked The Miz into a match for the gimmick, where she turned on Mizdow and helped The Miz. Did they plan this? How could they if the whole plan hinged on Mizdow sexually-assaulting Summer Rae? What if Mizdow had never done that?

After the match, The Miz was about to speak when Orton appeared and RKO’d him. Out of nowhere, so to speak. Orton held up four fingers to count his victims tonight.

Bray Wyatt cut a talky from wherever he cuts those talkies from. It appeared that whoever he is talking about has something to do with weights. This is like 3-2-1, FFS.

In the ring, The Ryback was ready to take on Adam Rose. JBL clumsily seemed to out The Ryback as the target of Wyatt’s promos but that could be my worst fears talking.

Adam Rose won! Only joking, The Ryback destroyed him in ninety seconds. After the match, a banana and a hot dog attacked The Ryback and he shell-shocked them both. Because food, yeah? The Ryback told a “joke” and Rosa Mendes checked on Rose.

Backstage Renee spoke to Kane and asked him what he thought about what was being said about him on social media. Kane was confused so she pulled out her ‘phone and read a tweet from J&J Security saying Rollins had said Kane was old and needed adult nappies.

Kane stomped off and confronted Rollins, who wanted to know how Kane knew about a private conversation. Jamie Noble shrunk into the background. Funny. They shouted at each other until Rollins said he was sorry, and that he was just wound up by the Orton situation. Kane accepted the apology and they walked off. Randy Orton was shown watching them, smirking…

Hey, it’s our main event! Dolph Ziggler came out first, and then was joined by Seth Rollins, who was with J&J Security.

They had a fair match and Rollins won with his new finisher, a sloppy DDT-type thing. Yeah, they’ve apparently banned the kerb stomp, which makes zero sense because 1) it’s a really, really safe move to take when done properly, and 2) around sixty percent of Rollins’s overness comes from that move.

After the match, HHH came down to the ring and proclaimed Rollins as the man who will beat Randy Orton at Extreme Rules. Rollins yanked the mic’ away and said he’d proved himself, and proved that he didn’t need Kane as gatekeeper to win on Sunday.

This brought Kane out for the BAZILLIONTH time this Raw, and HHH and J&J Security cut him off on the ramp, trying to prevent him from getting to Rollins.

Rollins was worried enough to call for the steel cage to be lowered to protect him from Kane, and if you can’t see what’s coming next then I worry for you.

Yes, as the cage lowered into place, Rollins turned around and Randy Orton was in the ring. He chased Rollins around the cage awhile, and then hit an RKO.

Orton stood triumphant in the ring as HHH looked concerned and Kane laughed. And that’s your show.

This was a Decent Show. It was almost a Good Show but managed to be both over- and under-booked at the same time. Still, it sets up the main event of the PPV well, even if the rest of the card is, well, a bit shit.