Hey, it’s WWE NXT Takeover: Unstoppable! It’s a two-hour show with a name that takes almost two hours to say!

The show started with some models using the entrance ramp as a catwalk, modelling the “Unstoppable 2015” collection. They’re all dressed like super hot Tyler Breezes, basically, complete with ‘phones set for selfies.

Tyler Breeze came out and posed with each model before taking the ‘phone off the last one and seflie-ing all the way down to the ring.

While Breeze posed in the ring, the announcers explained they had some footage from the pre-show (which i didn’t watch this time because I am a tired, old man), and ran the video.

Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady were shown arriving at Full Sail for the show when a commotion broke out on the other side of the parking lot. When the cameraman ran over he found Hideo Itami lying on the floor, clutching his shoulder. Kevin Owens walked by and said, “that’s a shame”, and the announcers told us Itami had a torn rotator cuff and is out of the number one contenders’ match.

That left just Breeze and Finn Bálor, who came out next. Bálor amped up his entrance, adding leathery wings and spinal spikes to his costume and, when he’d taken those off, a giant eye painted on his back. Awesome.

They had a great match, back and forth, with Bálor busting out several innovations of his foot stomp. Breeze removed the turnbuckle pad and Bálor got sent into it, and a Beauty Shot almost got the win for Breeze.

Bálor got the win, though, with the Coup de Grace off the top rope, but only after he’d dived from the top of the entrance set onto Breeze on the ramp. Bálor is the new number one contender – but will it be against Sami Zayn or Kevin Owens?

Backstage, Owens was shown watching the match, and shaking his head.

Hey, it’s Hafthor Bjornsson, from Game Of Thrones! He’s sitting next to Stephanie McMahon and there’s your weird visual of the day..

They showed a video package of the latest NXT tour to Philadelphia & Albany, really putting over that this is its own brand now. Joey Styles appeared and looked like he’d eaten Joel Gertner.

Emma & Dana Brooke came out together next, for their tag-team grudge match with Charlotte & Bayley. Brooke has stopped touching herself up so much and Emma looks good in darker shades. the crowd chanted “Evil Emma!”, much to her delight.

Charlotte & Bayley got truncated entrances but the whacky inflatable wavey arm tube men still made an appearance. Charlotte & Bayley looked SUPER happy.

They had a good match, with Emma doing most of the work for her team so as to keep the greener Brooke looking strong. Emma, in fact, worked really hard here, and should take the credit for how well this match turned out.

Charlotte & Bayley got the win, when Charlotte hit the natural Selection on Emma after Bayley had taken out Brooke with the Bayley To Belly. The good gals celebrated afterwards with hugs and whoos and a Flair strut from both! Good stuff.

They showed the new NXT signees sitting in the front row. Maybe a different front row to before? I’m not sure. Anyway, KC Cassidy & Uhaa Nation were there, and the crowd burst into an Uhaa chant.

Hey, it’s Rhyno! He came out for his showdown with Baron Corbin, in a battle of the unstoppable monsters (that have both been stopped but don’t dwell on that).

So Corbin’s really green, right? But Rhyno’s a veteran and the two of them put together a good little match here. It was faster than you’d expect it to be, with not much plodding and stalking and more bullying and beating. Corbin won with the End of Days after hitting Rhyno with a clothesline to block the Gore.

They showed the footage from Raw of Kevin Owens punking John Cena, and “Greg” spoke to Owens backstage about the last week.

Owens asked if, by the last week, he meant the tour, where he successfully defended his title on three occasions. Oh, and yeah, he attacked John Cena, too.

Owens said he proved that the NXT title is the real prize by stepping on the US title (big cheer from the crowd), and wanred Sami Zayn to stay away tonight or it would be the last anyone would see of him, making Cena’s hand gesture as he said it.

His name is Enzo Amore! He’s a certified G and a bonafide stud, and you can’t teach that! And that right there, that’s Big Cass, and he’s seven foot tall, and you can’t teach that! And that right there, that’s Carmella, and she’s hot as hell, and you can’t teach that! BADA BOOM, REALEST GUYS IN THE ROOM!

Enzo & Cass (and Carmella) came out for their NXT tag-team title match with Wesley Blake & Buddy Murphy. They look swank. Blake & Murphy, on the other hand, do not. I once said that Blake & Murphy looked like they could fit into any era of wrestling from the 1970s to the present day but the top knot and pig tails they’re wearing tonight would put a stop to that.

So they had a match and it was decent tussle, with Enzo looking better every time he wrestles and Cass being awesome. Blake & Murphy are those kind of wrestlers that don’t shine but enhance. Good heels, then.

Cass ran wild after Enzo made the hot tag and pretty much passed out. Cass tagged him in and went for the gorilla press splash combo when Alexa Bliss came down to ringside and took down Carmella. Cass showed concern for Carmella and Bliss pushed a sluggish Enzo into the ring, where he got pinned by Blake for the win.

They showed Eva Marie sitting in the front row. How big is that front row???

Hey, it’s Becky Lynch! Game nerds tell me she looks like something from a video game. I wouldn’t know. Old, see? Sasha Banks also had a new outfit – it’s like Wrestlemania here!

On the last Takeover show, the women’s four-way – also for the NXT Women’s championship, as is this – stole the show. That such a thing can happen in a company whose main roster “divas” are the drizzling shits is remarkable. Guess what? Yup, best match again.

Sasha Banks is a delight to watch. She’s so on top of her character and moves so well in the ring. Becky Lynch more than played her part here, too. She’s slowing down and learning the “house style”.

They went FIFTEEN minutes and it didn’t seem a minute too long. Banks retained her title with the Bank(s) Statement, Lynch tapping out and just coming up short. NXT women ROCK.

And so to the MAIN EVENT… Kevin Owens versus Sami Zayn, for the NXT title and SO much more.

Zayn came out first and he didn’t look injured. Corey Graves, on commentary, compared Zayn to Manny Pacquiao from that boxing thing, who was cleared to fight but wasn’t 100% and ended up losing to Buster Merriweather.

Owens, God-like Owens, came out wearing a John Cena “The Champ Is Here!” t-shirt. Such a dick.

The match started like most Owens matches do, with Owens taking refuge on the outside to psych out his opponent. Zayn, though, waited calmly inside the ring. The crowd started chanting “John Cena Sucks” and this distracted Owens, allowing Zayn to attack him from behind.

Owens headed back into the ring and laid a beating on Zayn when he followed. Zayn clotheslined Owens back out of the ring and hit a back body drop on the outside.

Zayn threw Owens into the steps and they brawled on the outside. Owens got tossed into a barricade and then the ring post, and finally rolled back into the ring for some respite. Zayn was ON IT.

Zayn yanked Owens back out of the ring and punched him over the barricade. He gave chase but Owens caught him with a pop-up powerbomb attempt. Zayn held onto the bleachers and beat Owen around the head. he dumped him back over the barricade and they went back into the ring.

Zayn got a nearfall with a Blue Thunder Bomb, and then another with an Exploder. He went for a tornado DDT but Owens blocked it and threw Zayn into the corner. Owens looked to hit a cannonball but Zayn moved and hit another Exploder into the turnbuckle. Zayn readied the Helluva Kick but Owens rolled outside. Again. Dick.

Zayn hit a suplex on the ramp and then charged at Owens at ringside, only to eat a pop-up powerbomb onto the apron. Zayn looked done and several referees checked on him but Owens wasn’t finished. He mounted Zayn and administered a beating until more referees pulled him off.

A doctor and more referees came out but Owens kept attacking Zayn. Finally, William Regal came out and tried to reason with Owens. That was futile, so he grabbed Owens by the MOUTH but Owens headbutted him out of the ring.

Owens grabbed a chair and was about to slam it down onto Zayn when some music hit and everyone turned to look at the stage. Out came SAMOA FUCKING JOE.

The crowd chanted “Joe Is Gonna Kill You!” but Owens looked surprised more than scared. Joe came down to the ring and the two went head-to-head. Owens backed up a little and Joe got right back in his face. Owens left the ring and walked up the ramp, and Joe soaked up the cheers of the crowd.

Suddenly, Owens came back out, and marched part-way down the ramp. He stopped and said, “Not tonight. I did what I had to do,” and that’s your show.

This was a Great Show, a touch short of an Awesome Show. They really hit it out of the park again, as they do every time they have one of these live specials. They’re pretty much worth the $9.99 on their own.