Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! It’s that show built around a chicken-shit heel that even I could beat up!

The show started with Seth Rollins coming down to the ring to cut a talky. He was on his own, because Kane was in Hawaii on vacation, and J&J Security were brutalised by Brock Lesnar on Raw.

Rollins said he did the unthinkable on Raw. He called out Brock Lesnar. He said he gave Lesnar the opportunity to prove he’s the beast he says he is but instead he proved he was a coward. He said Lesnar took out his frustrations on a brand-new, $56,000 Cadillac and that Lesnar had messed with his family.

As he was talking, a beeping sound came from across the arena, and a flat-bed truck backed in, carrying the remains of the Cadillac. Paul Heyman introduced himself and said he was the advocate for the man who did “that to that.” He said Rollins would get dragged to Suplex City at Battleground.

Rollins said the car is a metaphor for what Lesnar will look like after he gets done with him, and said Heyman would no longer have a client to advocate for. He listed his credentials – which didn’t include being a chicken shit weasel – and asked Heyman who he thought would walk out of Battleground as champion.

Heyman, of course, said Lesnar and that made Rollins upset. He insisted he would walk out still as champion, and that’s your opening segment.

Hey, it’s Dean Ambrose! He came down to the ring for a match and they went to a commercial break. During the break, Ambrose completed a Rubik’s Cube without taking the stickers off. High five!

After the break, Bo Dallas came out to fight Ambrose. Dallas claimed he’d inspired The Rock to have a hit HBO TV show after their interaction at a house show the other week. Heh. He said if he could take someone bland like The Rock and make them a megastar then there was hope for Ambrose.

So they had a match and Dallas got plenty of heat on Ambrose, which is odd given Ambrose’s position of late. They went nine minutes, through a commercial break, and it wasn’t a bad match. Ambrose got the win with Dirty Deeds to keep treading water in NoFeudsVille.

Backstage, Seth Rollins was with The Big Show. Rollins said if The Big Show wanted to help burn Suplex City to the ground then he’d take the help. The Big Show said that that was Rollins’s mission, but if Rollins wanted help with The Ryback in the main event, he’d be there. Rollins told him he’d deal with The Ryback, so The Big Show said he’d do Rollins a favour by taking out Roman Reigns.

They showed footage of the Rusev/Dolph Ziggler contretemps from Raw, and then Rusev & Summer Rae came down to the ring for Rusev’s return to action. Then they went to a commercial break.

During the break, Rusev helped Summer Rae respool some yarn that she’d been meaning to get around to. They got it all tidied up by the time the commercials ended.

After the break, Fandango was in the ring, so it sucks to be him, I guess. I like Fandango, he’s good people. I really like Johnny Curtis, and I long for the day when he goes back to that. I’ve even fantasy booked it. Anyway, Rusev – wearing wrestling boots for the first time – won with the Accolade. Fandango tapped straight away (good lad) but Rusev wouldn’t release. And then when he did, he slapped it back on. Rusev ANGRY.

Hey, it’s Roman Reigns! He came down through the crowd from his usual entrance up in the stands (why does he still do that?) to fight The Big Show. Yeah, fuck this company.

Imagine a world where Roman Reigns repeatedly fights The Big Show. And imagine a world where Roman Reigns never gets to finish a match because Bray Wyatt keeps distracting him. Now imagine those worlds colliding…

Yeah, Reigns had The Big Show ready for the Superman Punch and the lights went out. Bray Wyatt started making his entrance down the ramp and Reigns wasn’t sure it was him, having been fooled on Raw. He was right, because Wyatt was sneaking into the ring behind his back, but he saw him and hit him with a Superman Punch. Then he returned to The Big Show and had him ready for the finish when Wyatt came back in and interfered for the DQ.

After the match, Wyatt did his crab walk and hit the Sister Abigail and I guess Dean Ambrose was off doing stuff somewhere.

They showed a video promoting the Athletes Gone Good awards, and urged us to vote for WWE superstars and Divas. If they’ve gone good, were they originally bad?

Back at the arena, The Prime Time Players were in the ring. No entrance for the WWE Tag-Team champions. They were out there because Titus O’Neil was facing Big E in singles’ competition. The New Day came out, and they didn’t do any mic’ work, so I don’t know what’s going on here.

So O’Neil and Big E had a match and it was really short. The New Day made to interfere on Big E’s behalf and the referee sent them to the back. They’d not even made it up the ramp when Big E, distracted, got hit by a spinebuster for a Titus O’Neil win. These teams will fight at Battleground so expect a Darren Young versus Kofi Kingston match next week.

They showed a video hyping the WWE 2K16 computer game. Steve Austin is on the cover. Why not Seth Rollins? Oh, because he’s a weasel.

They showed “exclusive footage” of the Cadillac’s journey to the wrecking yard after Raw, where it was crushed into the cuboid it currently resembles. Poor Cadillac, what did it do to Lesnar?

Hey, it’s Randy Orton! He came down to the ring and they went to a commercial break. During the break, Orton auctioned off one of his t-shirts for charity. The winning bid was $37.

After the break, Orton had a mic’. He cut a talky on Sheamus, and ended it by saying he’s rip off Sheamus’s mohawk and shove it up his “arse”. The Ascension came out and interrupted Orton, saying this was their match time so Orton could either leave or stay and fall prey to two hungry wolves. Orton decided to stay and hit RKOs on Viktor and Khonnor. Sucks to be them.

The announcers discussed the Beast In The East special on the WWE Network last week, and then moved onto the John Cena/Kevin Owens situation, which Cesaro got involved with on Raw.

Then The Bella Twins & Alicia Fox came down to the ring and they went to a commercial break. During the break, Team Bella pulled out a skipping rope and did a full “Buffalo Girls” routine, to the delight of Todd “Tom” Phillips on commentary – he’s a massive skipping fan.

After the break, Naomi and Tamina came out and they had a match with Brie Bella & Alicia Fox. It was not a good match. Phillips kept throwing to Jimmy Uso for his insight on this confusing and dreadful storyline. Team Bella got the win when Nikki distracted the referee and Alicia Fox – who had just made a hot tag in – hit the axe kick on Tamina after Brie Bella had shoved Tamina into Naomi. I can’t even keep it straight in my head, let alone on paper.

Backstage, Rich Brennan spoke to The Ryback. The Ryback said that Seth Rollins was talented but his conduct as champion resembled a “pathetic, gutless child.” PREACH IT.

Hey, it’s our main event! It’s Seth Rollins versus The Ryback! And it’s another fucking non-title match so why even bother having titles anymore?

The Ryback dominated the match early with his strength and then clotheslined Rollins over the top and they went to a break. After the break, Rollins was making a comeback. They brawled on the apron and Rollins kicked The Ryback to the floor. He hit a topé suicida and then posed like Lesnar, bouncing from foot to foot and then jumped up onto the apron.

The Ryback made a comeback and got a nearfall with a slam. Rollins tried to Drive-By but missed and got hit with a spinebuster. He did get a nearfall of his own with a roll-up but then got powerbombed and Meat Hook clotheslined. He set Rollins up for the Shell Shock but Rollins wriggled out and took a powder. Rollins grabbed his title belt and made to leave but The Ryback chased him down and back into the ring.

Rollins tried to run away again but The Ryback caught him and made to Shell Shock him on the outside. Again, Rollins escaped, and this time ran into the crowd for the count-out loss. What a champion!

After the match, The Big Show came down onto the ramp where he was joined by Rollins and the two circled the ring, waiting to attack The Ryback. They rushed him and beat him down, but then Roman Reigns’s music played and he made the save. Reigns hit a spear on The Big Show and The Ryback hit the Shell Shock on Rollins and the pair of them celebrated as the show went off the air.

This was a Nothing Show. It was just kind of there. I don’t know how long they can go on booking the champion like this before it causes irreparable damage to him. Right now, he’s not only beneath Dean Ambrose – who was the real winner of their feud last month – but also beneath The Ryback, which is just silly. Still, Battleground and Lesnar await…