Hey, it’s WWE Raw! It’s that show that has that guy from that Arrow TV show on it. No, the other show that has that guy from that Arrow TV show on it.

The show started with Seth Rollins coming down to the ring to cut a long, boring, whiny talky about John Cena. Seriously, if anyone was watching this live and didn’t change the channel then they need to win one of those Fan Of The Year things. This SUCKED.

And then, when you think things couldn’t have gotten any worse, they did a “hilarious” bit with a photo of John Cena’s face being put up on the TitanTron and someone’s mouth speaking words that were supposed to be his. I know this isn’t supposed to be high art but COME ON.

Suddenly, Cesaro’s music hit and he became everyone’s new favourite wrestler. He said that, since Rollins was handing out open challenges for the WWE World Heavyweight title, that he should have one. The crowd agreed.

Then Kevin Owens came out, pointed out the “Cesaro Section” signs in the crowd, and said that, unlike Cesaaro or Seth Rollins, he’d actually beaten John Cena, and so he deserved a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight title. I don’t follow his logic, but we’ll go with it.

Rollins tried to explain that last week’s open challenge was a one-shot deal, but Randy Orton interrupted him. He made a fat joke about Kevin Owens, which Owens no-sold, and said he deserved a title shot, too. Rollins made a quip about Tom Brady (he’s a gridiron player, don’tcha know) and said he didn’t care what they think or what The Authority thinks, because no-one was getting a title shot.

That brought out HHH, who said that it was interesting that Rollins said he didn’t care what The Authority thinks. Rollins tried to weasel out of it but HHH cut him off, and said they were two weeks away from Summerslam. He said Cena was 50/50 and that created a lot of turmoil around the WWE title.

He booked a three-way – Owens versus Cesaro versus Orton – for the later in the show, and the winner of that would take on Rollins in the main event for the WWE World Heavyweight championship…

Backstage, Team Naomi were shown walking down a corridor. The announcers told us they would face Team Bella after the break. Unbridled joy.

After the break, Team Paige – now called PCB after the name they gave themselves last week, The Submission Sorority, was found to belong to a porn site – had joined the announcers for commentary. They added little of interest over the next ten minutes.

Hey, it’s Team Bella! They came down to the ring, and were joined by Team Naomi. Team Naomi cut an inset promo comparing the bellas to the Kardashians. Don’t book it if you can’t pay it off.

So they had a six-man tag and it was pretty bad. Remember the Divas Revolution? Yeah, forget it because this was back to before that happened. Poor Sasha Banks.

Anyway, Team Bella got the win when Brie hit Tamina with the DEADLY ROLL-UP, and then all three teams fought in the ring because women. In the end, Team Paige and Team Naomi faced off in the ring while Team Bella stood tall on the ramp. Moribund.

They showed Stephen Amell, from that Arrow TV show, sitting at ringside.He’d been invited to the show by Stardust, who he’s been having a Twitter feud with. Yes, really.

In the ring, Los Matadores and The New Day were about to have a match. And then they had that match, and it was a fun match. The Prime Time Players were backstage, watching on a monitor, scouting their opponents ahead of a possible WWE World Tag Team titles defense at Summerslam. Darren Young had an odd hat on.

The New Day won, which the announcers sold as reinforcing their claims to the title match at Summerslam, although it was only Los Matadores, eh?

They showed footage from earlier in the day of The New Day hanging out with the Seattle Seahawks (one of those gridiron teams) and then The New Day were skipping along backstage, celebrating their win.

Backstage Renee interrupted them and congratulated them on their win. She then told them they’d been announced as facing The Prime Time Players for the titles at Summerslam. This made them happy. She then told them that Los Matadores were also in the match. This put a dent in their positivity but they stayed happy. Then Renee told them that The Lucha Dragons were in the match, too, and they verged on anger, but regained their smiles and led Renee in a “New… Day Rocks” chant. I liked that.

In The Authority’s office, Seth Rollins whined at HHH about having to defend his title but HHH shrugged it off and told him he had to build a legacy. Good luck with that.

After a break, Cesaro, Kevin Owens, and Randy Orton were all in the ring, ready to start their three-way dance for the shot at Seth Rollins’s WWE World Heavyweight title in the main event of tonight’s show. I guess entrances are for women now.

They had a decent match that, at times, would have been a great match if it were a one-on-one. The three-way spots were contrived and took away from the match rather than added to it, but I guess you’ve gotta get your stuff in and your wrestlers in the ring, eh? I mean, New Japan have been showcasing thirty-odd men every night for the last two weeks, but what do they know?

Owens and Cesaro have been feuding of late, and have been involved with John Cena, who’s now in this feud with Seth Rollins. So it made complete sense for Randy Orton, a man only squeezed into this angle because Sheamus reportedly suffered a concussion last week, to take the win, pinning Cesaro after an RKO on both men. You can only grasp the brass ring if it isn’t yanked out of your reach…

Backstage, Seth Rollins was shown watching the match, confident he can beat Orton. Probably because he did beat Orton, not that long ago.

Somewhere else backstage, in a dark room, Dean Ambrose cut a promo to camera about not having any friends growing up. Then Roman Reigns got him to clarify that he was his first friend, which was odd. The point of this was to show that while Luke Harper would do anything for Bray Wyatt, Wyatt wouldn’t do the same for Harper, but Ambrose & Reigns were brothers. Or something. Reigns is so much better as Ambrose’s sidekick, it’s not true.

They showed a video package hyping the Brock Lesnar versus The Undertaker fight at Summerslam, with talking heads by Heyman, Austin, HHH, Rollins, Ambrose, Reigns, Orton, The Big Show, and JBL. Then they announced that both men would be at Raw next week…

Hey, it’s Dean Ambrose! He came down to the ring for his match with Luke Harper and they went to a commercial break! During the break, Ambrose did a monologue from A Streetcar Named Desire.

After the break, Roman Reigns, who wasn’t in the match, got to do his entrance from where he lives, up in the stands. Then Bray Wyatt – who also wasn’t in the match – got to do his entrance, too. Luke Harper, who was in the match, had to come out with Wyatt.

Before the match, Harper got in Byron Saxton’s face, and then stole his chair for Wyatt to sit on. Michael Cole threw Saxton to the wolves, the dick. JBL, meanwhile, continued his recent schtick of comparing the current stars to stars of the past, which does today’s flat characters no favours at all.

So Ambrose and Harper had a match, and it was okay. Wyatt got involved and Ambrose tossed him over the announcers’ desk – take THAT, Cole! – and then Reigns got involved, and all this distracted Ambrose to the point that Harper pinned him. These four men will do battle in a tag-team match at Summerslam that, apparently, was going to feature Sting. Lucky escape.

Rather more unlucky was anyone involved in the next segment – MizTV featuring Daniel Bryan. The Miz heeled on Stephen Amell from that Arrow TV show, and then introduced Bryan, who got a huge pop. The crowd kept on “Yes!” chanting for Bryan and The Miz told them to shut up. Bryan laughed and said that The Miz wanted them to shut up so they’d better shut up, and they chanted “No!”

The Miz tried to respond but Bryan interrupted him and said he didn’t dome back to WWE to be on MizTV, he came back because he couldn’t miss WWE in his home state of Washington. He led the crowd in a Seahawks chant, and The Miz said he supported the Cleveland Browns, which got a laugh. Good thing Jerry Lawler wasn’t there.

The Miz tried to take credit for Bryan’s career, but Bryan said it was down to hard work, everyone in the arena, and everyone who had supported him during his career. The crowd chanted “Yes!” again, which annoyed The Miz. The Miz brought up Bryan’s injury, which made him sad. He asked what it was like to sit at home and do nothing.

Bryan answered that he was a judge on Tough Enough and that he’d also done what Mick Foley had done, and written a book that happened to be a New York Times bestseller. The Miz noted he was not in that book very much and that he was also a judge on Tough Enough. He said one thing he had done was teach Bryan the value of being a champion, so didn’t Bryan think The Ryback ought to relinquish his title if he was too injured to defend it and give it to The Miz?

That brought out The Big Show, who endured chants of “please retire!”, and walked to the ring, heeling on The Miz, who is a heel. Then The Ryback’s music played and The Ryback came out. The Miz & Bryan left the ring and The Big Show and The Ryback went eyeball-to-eyeball.

Suddenly, Bryan threw The Miz into the ring, where he landed between the two big fellas. The Ryback cleared them both out and then stood tall in the ring with Daniel Bryan, and the announcers told us that the postponed three-way for the WWE Intercontinental title was back on the card for Summerslam.

They showed a video package on Charlotte, where she namedropped Ronda Rousey and said she would main-event Wrestlemania. Charlotte, that is, not Rousey, although Rousey stands more of a chance. The announcers then told us that there will be a three-team elimination match for Summerslam, featuring Teams Bella, Paige & Naomi. Nikki gets to keep her title a little longer because fuck AJ Lee.

Hey, it’s Rusev! He came down to the ring, with Summer Rae, for a match with Mark Henry. Lana was on commentary and they’re still pushing the Dolph Ziggler angle, the idiots.

Rusev and Henry had hardly started their match when Summer Rae got up on the apron to distract Henry. That brought Lana out from behind the announcers’ desk, and she attacked Summer Rae. Summer rae pushed her into the ring, where she stood face-to-face with Rusev, before Summer Rae attacked her.

Rusev called off the beating, seemingly through compassion for his ex, but then ordered Summer Rae to CRUSH HER, and Summer Rae locked on a cool Accolade. Then the flag dropped, and it was the Bulgarian flag with a picture of Rusev on it. Sympathy for Lana? ZERO.

They showed a cartoon graphics-enhanced video package of “Neville’s strange week”, which included nearly winning the WWE World Heavyweight title from Seth Rollins on last week’s Raw, getting beaten up by Stardust, and now being thrust into a situation with Stephen Amell, from that Arrow TV show.

After a break, Bad News Barrett was in the ring, still doing his King schtick, and then Neville came down to the ring for a match. Neville won in SEVENTY-EIGHT seconds, so it sucks to be Barrett, I guess.

After the match, Stardust ran down and attacked Neville. He then confronted Amell, who was still in the front row, and Amell hopped the barrier and took Stardust down in the ring. Goons appeared and pulled Amell off, and Stardust escaped. Amell & Neville shook hands in the ring, and the crowd popped. Michael Cole, voice of the people as always, said Amell was wrong to get involved. What a dick.

They plugged the NXT Women’s title number one contenders’ match between Bayley and Becky Lynch on NXT this week.

Backstage, HHH was with Neville and Stephen Amell from that Arrow TV show. He told Amell off for getting in the ring and said he’d deal with Stardust. Neville said, “let us take care of him,” and HHH pointed out that Amell was not “one of us.” Freaks earworm.

Amell said he’d sign anything HHH needed him to, and HHH said if he wanted to play tough guy he’d have the paperwork dropped off with his agent and that he was washing his hands of it. It’ll be Neville & Stephen Amell from that Arrow TV show versus Stardust & Bad News Barrett at Summerslam.

Michael Cole & JBL again insulted everyone who still plays the full price for pay-per-views in 2015, pointing out that they can give WWE around $200 less a year if they subscribe. Hey, I’ll have it!

Backstage, JoJo spoke to Sheamus. Sheamus did a bad talky, insulting Orton and Rollins, and teasing a cash-in with the Money In The Bank tiny gold suitcase. Maybe he doesn’t have a concussion?

Hey, it’s Randy Orton! He came down to the ring for the main event, a WWE World Heavyweight title match with Seth Rollins! And then they went to commercial break! During the break, Orton did something. I can’t be bothered if they can’t.

After the break, Rollins came out and had a match with Orton. After Rollins had tried to bail early, he almost got RKO’d and they went to a break with Rollins looking scared. When they came back, Orton was in charge, and scored a nearfall and hit his powerslam.

Rollins decided to leave again but Orton went after him, and clotheslined him into the timekeeper’s area, then picked him up and suplexed him on the announcers’ desk. Back in the ring, Rollins tried to accidentally bump the referee but didn’t, and they went back and forth. Rollins hit a superkick, out of – erm – nowhere, and they both went down.

They went back and forth some more, and Rollins got the heat, hitting a superkick and Orton’s own draping DDT. He mocked Orton’s Viper pose and went for the RKO but Orton backdropped him onto the apron. Rollins tried to hit back with a springboard dive but Orton hit an RKO and made the cover. The referee was about to count three when Sheamus dragged Orton out of the ring for the DQ.

Sheamus beat on Orton and dumped him over the barriers. He had a lightbulb moment and grabbed his tiny gold suitcase, thrusting it into the referee’s hands after he’d delivered a Brogue kick to Rollins. The referee looked confused, like he’d never seen one before, and Orton appeared and hit an RKO on Sheamus before the bell could ring, which makes him a bigger idiot than Sheamus or the referee. The announcers stressed that it wasn’t a cash-in because the bell hadn’t rung and that’s your show!

This was an Okay Show that had some really shitty booking and some terrible promos. Most of the main stars are portrayed as idiots, and the limits of the acting abilities of the wrestlers were horribly exposed by Stephen Amell from that Arrow TV show KILLING them backstage. What are you gonna do? Gotta get those two minutes on E!, eh?

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