INTERNET, United Kingdom – Vulture Hound has suspended Bradley Tiernan (@xxCMPunkFan420xx) for 1 week effective immediately for his first violation of the company’s talent and wellness policy.
Welcome to the most must-see Vulture Hound weekly review in history; welcome to… Is this really how Brad starts the review every week? What a nerd.
Anyway, I’m Elliot. Brad asked me to write the Raw Review this week because he’s poor at time-management and I’m the Vince-McMahon-style ratings bump this column needs. Speaking of which…
Vinnie Mac turned up this week, likely in an attempt to combat the ratings drop that can only be achieved by having your entire 4th of July show be based around a big food fight. He turned up in a limo halfway through the show and hyped that he’d be naming the “Commissioner” of Smackdown! Live at the end of the show. But before we get to all that, some actual wrestling happened on this show and nary a pie was thrown.
Raw opened with a bunch of nobodies in the ring, such as Jack Swagger (did you know he used to be world champion!? THEY’VE NEVER TOLD US THAT BEFORE) and Dolph Ziggler (you know, the comedian?). Also, a bunch of other people were there, including Baron Corbin, Apollo Crews and Darren Young. Clooney-Level-A-Lister, The Miz, cleared up that this parade of jobbers were actually in the ring to have a big, old battle royal to determine the new number one contender to Miz’s Intercontinental title. It’s worth noting that Bob Backlund was stood at the side of the ring shouting encouragements at Darren Young. That’s simply worth noting.
This match was decent as far as battle royals go, but this is the second of its sort we’ve seen in as many weeks. At one point, one of the Usos (I don’t care which one) sneakily tired to eliminate the other Uso and everyone was like “Whoa! Something significant!” and then the Usos were like “Nah, we’re just playing around. We’re going to continue to be bland af forever,” then they probably did a dab or something.
Then we were left with our final five: Ziggler, Corbin, Young, Crews and a dominant looking Alberto Del Rio. Young ate a tasty Deep Six from Corbin and laid in the corner for somewhere between 20 seconds and an eternity. Corbin eliminated Del Rio (because remember Wrestlemania?), then Ziggler befell the same fate. Then, who’ve we got left? Crews and Corbin – two youngsters dying to prove themselves. Anyway, they eliminated each other at the same time because we need to give those guys a little feud to remind viewers they exist, and then we’re left with Darren Young, finally pulling himself to his feet, 3 AND A HALF MINUTES after taking, apparently, the Deepest Six imaginable, and looking a bit confused. “We’ve done it! We’ve made Darren Young great again! Champagne for everyone!” cried the writer’s room. Bob Backlund ran into the ring and carried Young – like, wedding day over-the-threshold-style – and everyone had a good laugh. It was actually pretty funny. Sorry, Miz, you’ve got a joke title again.
Following that, we were treated to the hottest tag team in the world right now. That’s right, Daddy’s talking ‘bout Breezango. They took on the Lucha Dragons in what was actually an enjoyable match. One of the best parts was when Kalisto botched the gosh darn heck out of a springboard crossbody and everyone in the arena laughed. The other best bit was when Breeze scored the win with a twisted, turnbuckle-assisted super(model) kick on the aforementioned luchadore. Remember when Kalisto was US champ a few weeks ago? Yeah, that’s over now.
I don’t know who’s going to win this slow-burning Golden Truth/Breezango feud (except deep down, we all know), but I do know who the real winners are – the viewing audience (and Golden Truth, technically).
Rollins did a bit where they cut together old interview footage of Reigns to make it look like he was a massive arsehole, then Ambrose came out because he’s soooooo crazy and now we’ve got ourselves a WWE Title match between the two of them on Raw next week.
After that we got Owens vs. Cesaro, featuring a scuffle with Owens and Zayn (before and after the match). As we’ve come to expect from these chaps, it was a very good bout, featuring a few key things. 1) Cesaro wore JBL’s hat at one point, for some reason. 2) Owens pulled out two new neck breakers, one of which we saw replayed A MILLION TIMES, and the other was a bit like an F5, which he used as a finisher. 3) CESARO FINALLY SWUNG OWENS, for a good 20 seconds.
Sasha Banks vs. Dana Brooke wasn’t particularly interesting (sorry, Women’s Revolution) and all I can think to mention is that Dana was looking particularly oily (sorry, Women’s Revolution). Sasha won and apparently we have to see a rematch on Smackdown this week. Wow, we really are coasting until the brand split, aren’t we?
Less Important Stuff:
Titus O’Neil beat Heath Slater – Heath nailed a wonderful corner splash counter that even he looked surprised by.
Zack Ryder, following his amazing 2-win streak, was brogue kicked off the face of the earth by Sheamus and lost. Easy come, easy go, eh Zack?
The New Day and The Wyatt Family shoddily rehashed the wrestling masterpiece of the century (The Final Deletion) and it was kind of terrible.
Enzo & Cass Vs. Gallows & Anderson ended in a DQ, then Big Match John turned up and it was all quite boring.
Oh, Vince declared Shane would be the “Commissioner” of Smackdown! Live, leaving Stephanie alone in charge of Raw. So, you know, the exact outcome we all expected from minute one. BYE!
JBL’s Best Bits:
John “Bradshaw” Layfield is an American treasure and deserves better than the harsh verbal beat-down Brad serves him every week.