“Do you feel that? Party people, I said Do you feel that? That feeling is the shit about to hit the fan, it’s the first Friday of the month so check your f***s at the door cause this is the accidental phenomenon, this is real, this is mother f***in’ Hoodslam!” – Broseph Joe
I’m not much of a party guy, but I’m pumped! It’s a shame that I’m watching this on YouTube and not in Oakland experiencing ‘Hoodslam: Battle Royal of Supremacy’ live, in person, leaning against the ring. The atmosphere is where it’s heart and soul lies. Watching Ken and Ryu from Street Fighter duke it out in a ring live is something I’d pop hard for, watching it on my computer is an entirely different story. Not to mention, the wrestling itself is nothing to write home about.
No worries, though, the Hoodslam Band is playing; our host, Broseph Joe is pouring whiskey down everyone’s throat, then a ref comes to the ring lighting a smoke. I’m sold, his name is Ref Guido if anyone’s wondering.
It’s time for our opening contest! Ken and Ryu vs Juiced Lee and James C. This match is part of the Top of the SkyDreamers Miracle eXstacy Round Robin Tag Team Double Chaos Redondo of Blood Tournament. Do you know how many times I had to rewind to get all this? Do you realize how hard it is to rewind with precision on YouTube? It isn’t easy.
Like I said earlier, most of the actual wrestling is hard to watch. I just can’t bring myself to describe the wrestling, especially when Ken is Jeff Hardy from an alternate universe who wasn’t fired from the WWE in 2003 for refusing to go to rehab. Ken at least looks like he’s spent few days getting rained on. Ryu’s pretty generic and James C ends every sentence with “See”. Juiced Lee is probably a take on Bruce Lee from as far as I can gather, I don’t remember Bruce being so clumsy, though. Ken and Ryu hit a wonky 3D then a HADOUKEN for the win!
That match is then followed up by a group named Caution coming to the ring lead by Link himself, holy shit! Turns out that’s no more, he’s now Anton Voorhees? Did I ever pick the wrong show to start watching. The rest of the group is rounded out by a robot named Dark Sheik and some fellow dressed in gold named Ean Hancement, get it? They attacked a guy named Bat Manuel at the last show which was scheduled to take on Drugz Bunny tonight for the Golden Gig title. Sadly he cannot make it so Caution thinks’s they should get the shot instead.
Throughout all this, you can barely pick out what anyone is saying. The audio gets lost in the room; I say this cause then an SNL rip-off team, the Knights of the Roxbury come down, and you can barely hear ‘What is Love?’ by Haddaway. The Knights then reiterate the same fact, I think, adding that Jonny Drinko Butabi of said team is the only man to pin Drugz Bunny in Hoodslam.
The New U, dressed as the living embodiment of Dr. Dre’s The Chronic 2000 interrupt and say nothing, to be honest. The team made of Coach Nuggs who looks to be an out of shape 50-year-old who has trouble walking, Bobby Burgerhands is without burgers for hands, so that’s a disappointment and Shotzi Blakk Heartt, who tells everyone that she’s gonna kick everyone’s ass tonight. They all want some of Drugz Bunny so here he comes!
A slinky guy comes to the ring with a bag of “cocaine” in hand, white shirt and pants with a rabbit button on the back, a top hat, and a rabbit nose. He’s a bunny, and he’s got drugs, pretty straight forward. He grabs the mic, yelling and talking as fast as he can; I can’t pick it out, but whatever he’s on, I want some. A four way for the Golden Gig title is next with each team represented by one individual.
So we have Drugz Bunny vs Shotzi Blakk Heartt vs Anton Voorhees vs Jonny Drinko Butabi. This match is a complete cluster; only a couple things stand out to me. First being the ref, dawning a stripped mask named El Sparko who would oversell everything. Thinking back, the refs stole the night for me. Second was when Shotzi Blakk Heartt flashed one competitor to distract him; it was all smoke and mirrors folks. The last thing being the cluster of a finish.
Shotzi Blakk Heartt attempts a diving crossbody, Drugz Bunny catches her and rolls through; Anton Voorhees gives Shotzi a hand taking Drugz down because he has super coked out strength I’m assuming. Then Jonny Drinko Butabi hits a diving elbow drop on all three and the pin. It looks like a triple pin scenario. El Sparko runs away with the Golden Gig title, which is just a golden ticket I might add.
All of a sudden we get a honey bear with a trash can, ITS POOH JACK! Dead serious. He starts laying waste to everyone but soon the numbers become too much. The Hoodslam Band starts playing Natural Born Killaz and its none other than… Mustafa. I got super excited for no reason. He definitely doesn’t still got it if he ever had it. But I learned one thing, how to make Mustafa look good. Apparently put Coach Nuggs in with him and he shines like a diamond.
Anyways, they clear house, Drugz Bunny does some cocaine then sneezes at the camera and Mustafa tells us all to be our self. Meanwhile, Drugz Bunny comes off his high and realizes he lost his title that he held for sixteen months.
All of a sudden some aliens come out, apparently there here for the Intergalactic Tag Team Championships. They’re cut off by The Stoner Brothers. Like the Steiner’s, only stoned. It’s like Dude Where’s My Car? Rick Scott and Scott Rick Stoner are easily the best workers I saw this night, even while wrestling with joints in their mouths. It’s a hard task they pull off with ease. All in all, the Stoner’s make quick work of the aliens, light up another one and celebrate.
Next is the West Side Playas (Vanilla Icebox 2099 and Boyce in da Hood) vs Dark Sheik and Ean Hancement of Caution and if they don’t fight they’ll lose their Best Athlete in the East Bay Title, which is a fanny pack.
Vanilla Icebox is the worst, and I’ll just leave it at that, but remember how Dark Sheik is a robot? Well, he short circuits and delivers something like ten dropkicks to a downed Icebox. I’m sure it’s because he was blown up, he was huge. Dark Sheik and Ean Hancement hit a double chokeslam on Vanilla Icebox 2099 for the win and break El Sparko’s arm just like they did to Bat Manuel.
We’re then greeted by a match between Cereal Man who wears a cereal box on his head, and ‘Ultra Girl’ Brittany Wonder; the finish goes a little something like this. Brittany Wonder has Cereal Man on her shoulders for a Samoan Drop, he weasels out, kicks her in the crotch and hits a powerbomb onto the exposed cereal pieces spread over the ring to get the win. This is where I got totally lost because this guy dressed in all these neon colors with a mask on comes down and attacks Cereal Man. No idea his name, though. Name tags really would have helped, safe to say they’re not kind to new viewers that’s for sure. As well, in amongst all this, a fan tries to enter the ring and gets kicked out immediately.
We get a few more filler matches, one including a guy named El Chupacabra who looks like a savage with fangs and a match with a big guy in an S&M gimmick. This is all leading up to the main event, a battle royal for control of Hoodslam. Mind you, this show has been a cluster at the best of times, then put basically every guy backstage in the ring at once, and it’s impossible to watch. Way back in the first match I mentioned a ref that smoked during the match named Guido, well he won. The ref now runs Hoodslam.
So yeah, that was Hoodslam: Battle Royal of Supremacy. As a whole the characters are interesting and I know I’d have one hell of a time at a live Hoodslam show but watching this on YouTube is a task in itself. The wrestling doesn’t keep you invested either, there’s no story to the matches and most of the guys botch half their spots anyways. Let’s just say I won’t be sticking around to see what changes Guido makes to the show.