As my Auntie once said via an image she stole from the Internet: “Life is short. Break the rules.”

Wise words from a woman who clearly speaks from experience – experiences such as occasionally parking in the disabled bay at the supermarket because she’s only popping in to get milk, and eating After Eight mints considerably earlier in the evening than the contractual obligation their name implies. But still, she’s right: life is short. So short in fact that you shouldn’t waste your time watching this week’s episode of Smackdown Live, because, frankly, it was a bit shit.

I often begin these recaps by thoroughly covering the one or two things from this week’s episode that I deem to be most important, but last night’s Smackdown was what scientists refer to as “skippable”. So, consider me hyped for “the biggest party of the summer”, bro. And forgive me in advance for scraping the bottom of the barrel for content to fill this week’s recap.

Heath Slater Baby (his full name) kicked off Smackdown be wrangling himself a contract-promising match with the acting neighbourhood watchman of Viperville, Randall Keith Orton. Heath Slater won this match. Whoa, right? Unfortunately, Heathy Baby won this match by disqualification – one of the most boring disqualifications of recent memory: Randy stomped on Slater in the corner for too long. Orton then proceeded to hit all his pop-garnering spots (Heath was taken to Suplex City, by Randall Keith Orton! What next? Something else underwhelming!?), without a single referee or security guard really stopping him. The match was over, man. If a wrestler beats the ever-loving shit out of another wrestler outside the confines of a match, is that not assault? Should Randy Orton not be punished by, for example, being suspended for 30 days and missing his co-main event at SummerSlam? If I were in charge, that’s what I’d do, because I hate money.

Anyway, after the match that Slater technically won, Bryan and Shane popped into the medical examiner’s office to offer Heath a Smackdown contract, which received a genuine pop from the crowd (interesting side note: apparently, contracts for Smackdown are hastily thrown together word documents, filled mostly with a big logo and absolutely no terms and conditions). Because Slater was suffering from intense head trauma and thought he was talking to Mick Foley and Stephanie McMahon (two people who look very different to Shane and Daniel Bryan, you must understand), the Smackdown bosses walked out, taking the contract with them. So, it’s official, Shane and Daniel are heels now.

Is THIS the most suggestive image in this week's recap? Stay tuned to find out!
Is THIS the most suggestive image in this week’s recap? Stay tuned to find out!

Other stuff that happened in this boring episode of Smackdown:

– Ambrose and Ziggler were guests on Miz TV. It was a polite and friendly talk show with no shenanigans whatsoever. Oh no, sorry, Ziggles superkicked the champ from #OuttaNowhere (#infringment).
– The Miz made reference to Daniel Bryan calling Apollo Crews “Apollo Creed” last week, which summoned the little fella, who demanded people learn his actual name, by doing his powerbomb thing on The Miz. It actually gave a hint of meaning to their upcoming IC Title match.
– There was a big tag-team clusterfuck match that saw the 3 face teams fighting the 3 heel teams. There were finishers everywhere and American Alpha pinned Aiden English for the win. It wasn’t great.


– Curt Hawkins is coming back, and WWE chose to promote that fact with a video filled with those old “Chuck Norris” jokes, but about the aforementioned Hawkins. So there’s that.
– Erick Rowan lost to Dean Ambrose. Bray Wyatt turned his back on Rowan because he… lost… to the top guy? Even though Bray lost to Dolph Ziggler the other week? I say, these charismatic cult leaders sure do make very little sense.
– Naomi has a new glow in the dark entrance going on (she’s a face now, because of the WWE writers golden rule: lol Divas be crazy). She threw glowsticks to the crowd and everything. She was facing Eva Marie in her hotly anticipated SD debut. They did Eva’s full entrance video and everything, then her voiceover guy dropped that she was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be competing. MORE EVA MARIE SHENANIGANS!
– Alexa Bliss and Natalya teamed up against Becky Lynch and Carmella (who thankfully entered during the break). It was all going swimmingly until Eva ruddy Marie showed up, then Naomi showed up! Blimey! Then it all got a bit Benny Hill. Becky Lynch submitted Natalya for the win. MORE EVA MARIE SHENANIGANS!

"Ruh-roh! Not again..."
“Ruh-roh! Not again…”

There was a weird bit in this week’s episode when we cut to backstage to see a real unnecessary close up of Kalisto getting his face squished by Baron Corbin. Here’s some sample dialogue from that scene:
Corbin: “I’m still upset about something you did a few weeks ago, you little shit.”
Kalisto: “ggfffufufufuffdfdhfhfadhkfadhkfhaf”
Officials: “Hey, we should stop this assault.”
And then the officials didn’t stop the assault. Anyway, I can’t wait for the best of 7 pre-show series between these guys!

Or is THIS the most suggestive image in this week's recap? You decide, in your own head. Please don't tell me. I don't need that insight.
Or is THIS the most suggestive image in this week’s recap? You decide, in your own head. Please don’t tell me. I don’t need that insight.

Remember when John Cena lost the US Title at Hell in a Cell to a returning Alberto Del Rio? Remember when Del Rio immediately lost all that momentum with the Mexamerica gimmick and then by joining The League of Nations? Well, WWE sure wanted you to think that Del Rio had the slightest chance in hell of knocking of Cena again in this week’s main event. So, Cena won, obviously, then AJ Styles arrived at the ring to do his favourite darn thing in the whole rootin’-tootin’ world: beat up John Cena, of course. He didn’t manage that, and Cena landed an AA on the Phenomenal Juan.

I have a lot of gripes with this week’s episode apparently, but none more downright necessary than how angry I get when Becky Lynch lines up her opponent in the corner, then does a bow and arrow thing, and shouts “STRAIGHT FIYYYAAAAAAA!”
That is terrible. Please stop doing that. Life is not memes.


If I may leave you with one thought, please let it be this one: Ambrose needs a manager. Y’know, someone who is actually likeable; someone who doesn’t butcher the blasé “cool-guy” act; someone who has just one tiny iota of genuine charisma. So yeah, next week, Mitch the potted plant should cut Ambrose’s promos for him.