Time is an interesting concept. Some scientists and a lot of stoned individuals suggest that the way we comprehend is completely plucked from thin air (which some scientists suggest is actually fat), and that time shouldn’t be viewed as a straight line at all, but as a circle. The only thing scientists, stoners and the general population alike agree on is that watching every thing the WWE put out is a huge waste of time.
Oh, I didn’t see you there. I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch Smackdown Live (the next day) so you don’t have to.
This week’s episode began with the entire women’s division being introduced to the ring (with one all-red, glaring omission) by Daniel Bryan. This segment was in fact hyping a later segment in which all these women would fight in a 6-person tag match, which itself was hyping the “6-Pack Challenge” for the Smackdown Women’s Title at Backlash, on Sunday. And in case you were worried this episode was lacking in hype, never fear, because the Hype Bros were in the ring later.
This intro (and tag match) were a last ditch effort to remind you of who is who in this weekend’s title match, but I can do it far quicker:
– Natalya (Bret Hart’s niece)
– Carmella (
Enzo and Cass’ manager Wretched heel who hates Nikki Bella)
– Alexa Bliss (metal skeleton hand like the Terminator)
– Becky Lynch (Irish)
– Naomi (Glowsticks!)
– Nikki Bella (Total Bellas premieres on October 5th)
I just saved you 20 minutes.
The Miz is currently, strangely, feuding with Daniel Bryan (who isn’t allowed to wrestle) after a promo on Talking Smack a few weeks ago. And because he’s got no place else to go, Dolph Ziggler is challenging for The Miz’s Intercontinental Title. It’s an odd story that will surely end in Ziggler losing AGAIN.
This week, The Miz beat Apollo Crews with a skull crushing finale after a bit of a distraction from Ziggles. Then the ex-cheerleader was in the ring, taunting The Miz, holding his IC title hostage, so Miz sent his wife Maryse in to get it because he’s literally the best heel in the history of wrestling.
The semi final of the tag team championship tournament was up next, and it was pitting The Usos against American Alpha. After building the match up to be a big deal, American Alpha scored the cleanest victory you ever did see, in about 30 seconds. It was a bold move that inevitably led to the much-awaited Usos heel turn. That culminated in Roman’s cousins attempting to injure the leg of Chad Gable, which is sure to be a plot point on Sunday.
Personally, I would have liked to see The Usos score a dirty ruddy heel victory to advance, thus setting up a feud (probably for the titles) with Alpha, who did their best work in NXT while chasing the titles. And, that would come with the added bonus of the newly aligned heels of having some momentum, instead of just being sore losers.
SOME OTHER STUFF HAPPENED AND THIS IS THAT STUFF:
– Randy Orton told a very long, odd story about a hunter and a rabbit and a snake and OH GOD GET THIS MAN OFF THE MICROPHONE. It was meant to be a message to Bray Wyatt.
– Ambrose doesn’t like coffee and is
charmingly aloof a pathetic attempt at writing a nonchalant cool guy character.
– AJ Styles spent the night wandering around being a heel to people who work behind the scenes at Smackdown. He smashed a phone at one point. So yeah, he’s the bad guy.
– Curt Hawkins will make his WWE return next week and I hope his first order of business is to slander the terrible Chuck Norris promos they’ve used to hype his return.
– Heath Slater and Ryhno (mostly Rhyno) beat the Hype Bros to advance to the final of the tag whatever at Backlash.
– Tyler Breeze was abroad purchasing the finest silks for Breezango’s upcoming clothing line.
– Raw reviewer, Bradley Tiernan, couldn’t review fish in a barrel.
– Fandango hosted a very strange segment in which he prompted an audience member to dance, then called her hips liars. I… I don’t know why. Enraged by this audience member’s dancing prowess, ‘Dango invited any member of the roster to come out and dance with him, which was accepted by The Big Red Pensioner, Kane. So yeah, Kane chokeslammed Fandango, making this his second squashy appearance in as many weeks. THEN HE DID THE BLOODY FANDANGO DANCE!
Now, a lot of people think wrestling is for children, and if there’s one moment in this week’s episode of Smackdown Live that supports that statement, it was when AJ Styles kicked Dean Ambrose in the dick to end the show.
Are you excited for Backlash? Because I sure as shit… will be watching it… I guess. Yay?