As southern, operatic-rockers Muse once said, “time is running out oooh oooh oooh [notes that only dogs can hear] [bass distortion] time is running out,” and you know something? Those guys were bang on the money.
WWE produce more content than Bradley Tiernan produces disappointment, and I know you don’t have enough time in your day to sit through another god damn second of wrestling, so no sweat, uce, I did that for you. I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch Smackdown Live so you don’t have to.
Right off the top of the bat, I feel like you should know that you didn’t miss much, whereas I missed my daughter’s dance recital to put this article together for you. I can see her now, looking out into the crowd, scanning the mass of faces to find one familiar one – to find papa, but alas, I was watching wrestling at home and also she doesn’t exist, so tough luck, kiddo.
Last night’s show kicked off with what became an endless back and forth between Bray Wyatt and Randy Orton, with the latter calling the former out to the ring at the start of the show. Obviously, “the eater of worlds” chose to remain in his dark, foggy room and cackle maniacally, and so, we found ourselves following Randall on the hunt.
As I implied, these segments felt endless, with Randy wandering around the haunted backstage of some Cleveland arena aimlessly. Some bits had particularly legible writing on the wall, while others had Erick Rowan lying in wait, like a low-level CPU. The final segment is where this story really shone, though. Bray was once again calling out Orton, asking to be found, so obviously Orton turns up behind him with Rowan’s mask on, like a classic farce scenario. Randy disposed of Bray and proceeded to take a well-earned rest on Wyatt’s rocking chair. Oddly, though, audio from previous segments started looping and slowing down, which was probably intentional, then the video got all choppy and it cut back to Bray sitting in front of the camera. The beauty of this segment is Wyatt’s mystique granting him the ability to blur the lines between technical glitch and intentional creepiness. I still don’t know if there was a video error, or if WWE are getting all art-house.
HERE’S THE OTHER SHIT:
– Slater and Rhyno teamed with American Alpha against The Usos (who have new entrance music and new attire, again) and The Ascension. Slater was pinned by one of the Usos (no idea which one).
– This was the only episode of Smackdown Live so far to feature neither Daniel Byran or Shane McMahon.
– Carmella and Natalya had a rematch with Naomi and Nikki Bella due to last week’s shenanigans. Carmella pinned Nikki for the win.
– Blissfully, Becky Lynch didn’t make it to the ring for whatever her scheduled match was meant to be.
– In another pretaped segment, Curt Hawkins declared that he would be making a big announcement next week. I personally hope it’s that he’s quitting professional wrestling to pursue a career in anything else.
– AJ Styles defended his championship against Dean Ambrose, with very small thanks to a teeny, tiny distraction from John Cena.
– Cena took to the ring after the main event and laid everyone out in classic “Cena wins lol” style.
The Miz apparently negotiated himself a televised homecoming celebration in his recent contract upgrade, which were treated to in the middle of last night’s show. It’s hard to tell if fans are hot on the Miz at the moment, or if he just got big cheers because he’s a “hometown hero”, as they chanted.
Miz and Maryse entered a ring adorned with pictures of his past achievements and premiered a delightful, career-spanning video package that reminded us all how lucky we are to have The Miz we have today, and not the fedora-toting one from 2007.
Being the classic heel he is, The Miz berated the Cleveland Cavaliers and Dolph Ziggler to his parents, no less, who were in the front row (Dolph’s mum seemed like she was angling for a Wrestlemania main event of her own), while Mike’s very own parents sat in the front row (and received cheers – hometown crowds, eh?)
Not to take this lying down, Chavo’s caddy made his way to the ring to undeservedly demand one more title match with The Miz, following an impassioned promo (that was admittedly the same one he gives every week). Dolph added the stipulation that should he lose, his career will be over. Miz clarified that this didn’t mean he’d go to Raw or be repackaged, but he would legit quit. I don’t know how much truth is behind that, but that’s kind of the fun with wrestling – like, Dolph isn’t worth much right now after a few years of accomplishing nothing, but would the WWE really end his career to further The Miz’s? Only time will tell (the exact same thing Muse sang about).
So another Intercontinental title match has been set between the pair, this time for No Mercy, this time with Ziggler’s career on the line. While this feud had slightly outstayed its welcome, this added stipulation has surely reignited some interest.