As indie-rock darlings turned pop princesses, Tegan and Sara once said: “The time, you’ve got me running.”
To that I say, “samesies” because WWE make so much content that every minute I’m not spent in bed or at work is spent dead-eyed in-front of a laptop screen, waiting for the next “Then, Now, Forever” bumper to bring me anything close to joy. And because of that never-quenched thirst to feel satisfied from a tall glass of “Romanade”, I often find myself late for things – running, if you will.
Yeah, this week’s intro was weak. I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch Smackdown Live so you can have the time to pursue real happiness.
I’d like to kick things off by thanking Erin Dick for covering the No Mercy review for me, because PPVs are on at a reasonable time where she lives. I’d also like to thank Raw reviewer, Bradley Tiernan, for setting the bar so low every week that I could literally smear shit on my keyboard and still upload more publishable content than him.
This week’s episode of Smackdown Live began with a gloating Dolph Ziggler, personifying the story of the little engine that could. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to see Ziggler not retire, leaving the show with even fewer singles competitors, but did his glory have to come at the expense of The Miz? Yeah, probably. And those two are very good together, but we’ve seen this match more times than Bradley Tiernan has seen Tinder matches block him (he’s handsome but has a difficult personality).
The Miz and Maryse interrupted Dolph’s celebration, entering the arena dressed in all black, because they were “attending the funeral of the Intercontinental Championship.” Miz decreed that he was the one to bring prestige back that title, and having it around the waist of Ziggler will only taint it with his mediocrity. A point well argued that I can’t refute.
I remember last week when I was like “haha, the Spirit Squad are back. What a fun cameo,” and fast-forward 7 days and they’ve had more airtime than Breezeango (who I believe should have more airtime). Anyway, Mikey and Kenny came to the ring to lose to the new IC champ in a 2 on 1 match, and obviously, that was followed with the traditional post-match beat down for the face, at the hands of The Miz. If I were to ask you to think of an unlikely duo to save Dolph Ziggler, you’d probably say Gangrel and Honky-Tonk Man, because you’re a fucking know-it-all smark and you think you’re funny. Well, you’re wrong, dumbshit – it was Heath Slater and Rhyno, who apparently have nothing better to do after retaining the Smackdown Tag Titles at No Mercy.
In one of those backstage segments that look like Brazzers produced them, Daniel and Shane (the original Bang Bros) discussed the impending “4th biggest PPV of the year” – Survivor Series. In a huge twist that we all expected, the traditional 5 on 5 elimination tag match will be a Raw Vs. Smackdown shinding, but Bryan upped the stakes in a way that will make us all say, “well, that’s far too many elimination tag matches for one pay-per-view.” D-Brizzle suggested that the Survivor Series card should also include a 5 on 5 women’s elimination tag match and a 5 tag team on 5 tag team elimination tag match, both inter-brand, of course. Yeah, my brain hurts too.
AND THE REST:
– Naomi defeated Carmella following a distraction from Nikki Bella.
– Chad Gable lost at the hands of an Uso foul play roll up combo.
– Curt Hawkins didn’t debut.
– Alexa Bliss Vs. Becky Lynch for the Women’s title will take place on Nov 8th in Glasgow.
– Alexa Bliss will have a rematch with Naomi on next week’s episode.
– The Wyatt Family beat Kane and Randy Orton following some Luke Harper magic and a disappearing big, red monster.
– The Ascension and Hype Bros are starting something.
In the middle of the show, AJ Styles took to the ring to gloat about retaining the WWE World Championship at No Mercy, and began welcoming his opponent for the night to the ring, but before said opponent could make a grand entrance, that ruddy wacky Dean Ambrose tough-guy-walked out and was all “I deserve another shot at that title, brother,” because, if you’ll cast your mind back to the draft and remember the size of the singles division on Smackdown Live, then take away Alberto Del Rio and John Cena, you will realise Ambrose and Styles is really all we got to work with, so you better get used to it.
After some name-calling and what not, AJ finally welcomed his opponent to the ring, in the form of chinless Offspring fan, James Ellsworth. D-Bry made an appearance, just to remind the wrestlers that he’s still the most popular guy on the brand, and declared that wretched, children-scaring, no-good, rassin’-frassin’ delinquent, Dean Ambrose would see over that match as its special guest referee.
It seems that now Cena has gone for a while (I assume), these two are back to feuding comically, instead of, you know, like actual top guys. The match was full of wacky shenanigans, and one gnarly-looking Styles Clash that could have spelled the end of the era of Ellsworth before it even began. In the end, silly-britches Ambrose hit AJ with 2 of the very Dirtiest Deeds, poured a ragdoll Ellsworth on top of Styles and hit the fast count for James Ellsworth to be carried away as the victor. What a strange world we live in.