Welcome to the most must-see Vulture Hound weekly review in history; welcome to… The Raw Review
On what was the go-home show ahead of this Sunday’s pay per view, Hell in a Cell, Raw looked to capitalise on its current momentum. Brock Lensar, or should I say, Paul Heyman looked to respond to Goldberg’s appearance last week; Chris Jericho was set to feature in a Triple Threat against his best pal; and once again Braun Strowman looked for better competition – Just like me when it comes to our reviewer for Smackdown Live.
Similarly to last week the show opened with everyones favourite father figure, Chris Jericho. Father figure being the literal shape of his body and not his ability as a patriarch. Anywho, the six time World Champion came to the ring and shared the shocking revelation that someone had stolen the “List of Jericho”. His best buddy in the whole world, Kevin Owens, came down to the ring to admit he didn’t care enough about the list to steal it but professed he cares enough about Jericho to help him find it. It was then the greatest milf of all time since your mum, Stephanie McMahon, came out and asserted her managerial power to promise to also find Jericho’s list. In response Seth Rollins appeared and revealed that he had the List. With it in hand he claimed that both Steph and KO were on the list much to their surprise. With tensions high ahead of the nights main event Rollins accepted that he will return the return the list but only once he’s done making his own: The List of Kevin Owens’ Body Parts That Will Never Be The Same Again After Hell in a Cell. A little wordy, don’t you think?
The first bit of wrestling of the night saw Karl Anderson lose once again, this time at the hands of Enzo Amore. The gigantic Colin Cassidy hit Anderson with the Big Boot that allowed Enzo to get the pinfall victory. It’s strange that so soon after it looked as though they were going on to dominate, Anderson and Gallows, are now being buried by two men that are a literal pair of walking t-slogans. Hopefully at Hell in a Cell things will be different for the former Bullet Club men.
Everyones favourite European duo since potatoes and Emmental (not a real thing?), Sheamus and Cesaro, managed to beat the New Day in a non title match. Sheamus hit Big E with a Brogue Kick to score the victory and had us all wondering, “can they really become the new Raw Tag Team Champions on Sunday?” The answer to that is no, they cannot. Side note: Sheasaro, Cesamus, Brogue Swiss, whatever you want to call them have a pretty cool thing going on with their entrance.
The crowd repeatedly chanted “boring” as Dana “not a pornstar” Brooke and Bayley had possibly the worst arm wrestling match of all time. Dana won against the weakened Bayley by competing against her injured right arm. Dana cheap-shotted her and attacked her and it was all rather pathetic. I guess you have to look at the positives. Not making them actually wrestle was a good way to avoid Dana botching an ending or potentially killing Bayley altogether.
The most interesting match of the night saw a new look Curtis Axel take on former Social Outcast friend, Bo Dallas. Unfortunately for Mr Irrelevant, Bodacious Dallas was able to sneak a rollup and pin Axel for the three count. At last, a PPV pre show I’m actually looking forward to!
The most boring feud since your parents divorce saw the Golden Truth beat The Shining Stars whilst Mark Henry and Titus O’Neil got into an argument over who was the real Sexual Chocolate, I presume. Interest to point out that the Golden Truth won the match with something that resembled the Dudley Boyz 3D.
Once again Foley played his part in hyping up the dangers of the Hell in a Cell match as Sasha and Charlotte signed their contract for the first ever Women’s match to be held in the cell. With the Women’s Championship at steak it’s difficult to call who will win this one but one thing is for sure, it will be the highlight of the night.
In Cruiserweight action Rich Swann dodged the merciless Captain’s Hook of Brian Kendrick and hit the swashbuckling veteran with a La Magistral cradle to win the match. TJ Perkins sat in on commentary and sounded like a school child telling you about how their day went. It was a little boring but at least that meant people would be more focused on the match itself which was actually a great bout. Going into Sunday’s PPV I can’t see TJP losing the title this early into his first every Cruiserweight Championship run with the WWE.
The gallant underdog that is Sami Zayn made his entrance to take on the monstrous Braun Strowman but the latter grabbed a mic to once again address Mic Foley and request “real competition”. Undeterred by the jibe Zayn tried to fight the Sasquatch, but Sassi beat down the Seth Rogan lookalike outside the ring and walked away. Determined to get his match I’m hoping Strowman can put away some mid carders in the coming months to finally make himself look like the brute he was originally billed to be when he first joined the Wyatt Family.
Adding to the intrigue of what will more than likely be the main event of WrestleMania 33, Paul Heyman made his way to the ring with his client, Brock Lesnar, and made it clear to Goldberg that what happens next is on him. I’d like to think that is true but considering Lesnar is the highest paid man on the roster I think what happens next is entirely up to Beast Incarnate.
The main event of the evening saw Rollins, Owens and Jericho go toe to toe in the Triple Threat match that was more like a 2 on 1 Handicap match. Y2KO teamed up for most of the match with Rollins countering a double superplex attempt into a double rollup, pinning both men for the victory. Feeling begrudged, Owens and Jericho beat down Rollins outside the ring after the match. Then Owens grabbed Rollins lifted him up and slammed him with a Powerbomb against the ring apron a lot like the once he gave to Sami Zayn back in NXT.
The stage is set for the first ever Women’s division match inside Hell in a Cell to take Sasha’s hometown of Boston by storm. Whether she wins or not the crowd wont be disappointed by the amazing match we all know these two women will put on. It’s refreshing that in the closing stages of a Raw Review I am talking so positively about wrestling and about Women’s wrestling of all. Is this a Bradley Tiernan babyface turn?.. Of course it isn’t, suckers.