Welcome to the most must-see Vulture Hound weekly review in history; welcome to… The Raw Review

I’d like to start this weeks Raw Review with an apology. One that goes out to my many fans for not producing a review of last Sundays Hell in a Cell PPV. As it’s well over 24 hours in view of the event, and Monday Night Raw has since followed, it wouldn’t be relevant to bore you with all the details right now. And so, I shall apologise for not delivering the golden content that you have grown so accustomed to. Many of us here at VultureHound have real jobs that we must go to and sometimes that can creep up into your readership time too. For that I do apologise. I would also like to excuse Elliot Dyson for his absence from the SmackDown Live Recap the previous few weeks. He doesn’t have an excuse. He’s just lazy. I sure as hell would do a better job than he could and he knows it. Yet, all is forgiven as this week on Monday Night Raw it was the annual “scary” Halloween special which I have reviewed just for you marks at home (or wherever it is you chose to read this. On the toilet I hope).

After previously boasting my prediction that Goldberg vs Lesnar would be the main event of WrestleMania 33 it has been brought forward a lot sooner than I first thought. The show opened with said Ryback impersonator, Goldberg, coming down to the ring in typical fashion which always reminds me of Peter Kay’s Comic Relief video for Tony Christie’s classic hit, Amarillo. Nevertheless, old Bill called out Lesnar and wanted him to come join him in the ring. With that, Paul Heyman stormed out and led Goldberg and the rest of us to believe Lesnar was on his way out. Instead, the greatest former United States Champion of all time, Rusev, came out and berated Goldie. This of course resulted in the pair scuffling and then Goldberg demonstrating to us that Rusev is a little too heavy for the former WCW Champion to hold up a Jackhammer for as long as he used to. Shockingly, this was then followed with a spear to Heyman. So it looks as if Goldberg still has… “it”.

Sha la la la la la la...  Suplex City who waits for me
Sha la la la la la la…
Suplex City who waits for me

Following all the excitement of the veteran Goldberg there was nothing better to remind us all that WWE is essentially a kids show than a Halloween Trick Or Streetfight. In this match, where Enzo and Cass were dressed as Buzz Lightyear and Woody, pumpkins were slung and candy corn kendo sticks got smashed. It was something I couldn’t care less about and even less so when Enzo picked up the win by pinning Luke Gallows who had a pumpkin on his head. Yes, it was all part of the spooky fun but when Gallows and Anderson are supposed to be legitimate bad asses it just makes them look ridiculous once again.

Yep, Cass actually thought he'd successfully hit a solid pumpkin with a kendo stick made of candy corn. Idiot
Yep, Cass actually thought he’d successfully hit a solid pumpkin with a kendo stick made of candy corn. Idiot

TJ Perkins looked to reclaim his Cruiserweight title from THE Brian Kendrick in a rematch from Hell in a Cell’s Championship bout. Teddy James (yes, that’s his actual name) managed to avoid a 10-count out of the ring but Captain Kendrick (also his actual name) deliberately took the countout defeat in order to retain his title. Some would say this was the cowardly approach but I personally think he’s a genius. Finally losing his cool, Perkins boiled over after the match and locked a Kneebar onto the helpless Kendrick on the ramp.

The Raw GM, Mick Foley, finally answered Braun Strowman’s request for better competition and threw him into a Battle Royal for a spot on Team Raw at Survivor Series. Predictable but interestingly the final men left in the ring were Sami Zayn and Sasquatch Strowman. A Powerslam from Braun almost eliminated Zayn but the Seth Rogan lookalike held on with a headlock. Despite Zayns best efforts Strowman was too strong and flung Zayn out to claim his spot at Survivor Series. I’m hoping Strowman aligns with the Wyatt’s once again and beats down on his own Raw team mates.

Don't have nightmares, kids.
Don’t have nightmares, kids.

More Cruiserweight action saw Rich Swann team up with Lince Dorado and Cedric Alexander to take on Drew Gulak, Tony Nese and Daivari’s little brother, Ariya. In what was a carbon copy from Hell in a Cell, a Swann Kick was enough for Rich to cover Tony Nese and score the victory for his team. Swann seems to be picking up a lot of wins recently and will surely be in line to take on Kendrick for the Cruiserweight Championship.

The Queen of the Women’s Division, Charlotte, came to the ring on her throne and bragged about beating Sasha Banks at Hell in a Cell. Rightly so, the dirtiest Flair in the game issued a sound warning to Nikki Bella and the rest of Smackdown Women’s team ahead of the Survivor Series match. Bayley, being the sickly sweet nice girl she is, came and congratulated Charlotte on her win and politely requested a title shot. Charlotte scolded Bayley and then introduced her opponent: Nia Jax. Even though Bayley tried to fight back Jax’s overall power proved too much and she hit the hugger with a Samoan Drop to win the match. I don’t know why Charlotte introduced her because rightfully with the victories she’s had Jax should be next in line to face Charlotte as the new number one contender for the Women’s Championship.

Sovereign of the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael Foley
Sovereign of the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael Foley

After eliminating Cesaro from the earlier Battle Royal Sheamus, much like me and your mum, rekindled their love to defeat the Shining Stars. The Clover Leaf was enough to force Epico to tap out and keep me wondering if this unlikely Sheasaro partnership will actually go on to win tag team gold. SmackDown tag team gold more than likely.

Earlier on in the show Mick Foley did his best to talk up the Hell in a Cell match once again and praised the women for their main event on Sunday. He went on to say he was proud of everyone apart from the pairing of Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho for their ruthless actions against Seth Rollins. Y2KO then came out and interrupted Foley who admitted he needs them on Team Raw at the Survivor Series 5 v 5 match up. He continued and stated he also needs The Guy and out came Roman Reigns much to the disliking of everyone in the arena. Jericho then challenged Rosey Roman Reigns for his US Championship to which Foley agreed and made the match the nights main event. It was a fairly even match but realistically we all knew Jericho wasn’t going to win. Eventually Reigns hit Jericho with a Spear which forced Kevin Owens to interject and break up the pin. Attacking Reigns meant that Jericho lost by disqualification but that did not bother the pair as they continued to beat down Reigns. Seth Rollins ran to the rescue and went for a Pedigree on Jericho but Owens pulled his best of all his friends to safety. The final shot of the night was a stare down between Rollins and Reigns which got the Shield reunion alarm bells ringing for all the sweaty marks out there.

Hey look everyone. I cut two images and put them together to show you the staredown because it wasn't in a double shot already.
Hey look everyone. I cut two images and put them together to show you the staredown because it wasn’t in a double shot already.

Such dominating performances from Raw’s candidates makes it clear to me that the red brand is far superior to Smackdown. The recent displays of brilliance leaves me deadly certain they won’t lose any of their 5 on 5 matches at Survivor Series. I’m sure Elliot knows this too and will have much to say about it tomorrow on his foreseen return to the SmackDown Recap.

By Bradley Tiernan

"Wrestling is better than the things you like" - John Oliver

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