Success! You’ve found the one thing on the Internet today that isn’t about the US election. I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch Smackdown Live so you don’t have to.
Right, I know what I literally just said, but here’s the thing about Trump… Seriously though, were WWE in the UK this week because attendance would be super low on the night of the presidential election? And, similar to No Mercy, was the “main event” in the middle of the show because they were expecting a big viewer drop off at a certain point in the night? These are 2 questions I will not answer, because I am too lazy to Google things.
As hyped over the past few weeks, last night’s show saw a Women’s Championship match between Becky Lynch and Alexa Bliss. All in all, it was an enjoyable affair, with some tasty-like-KFC’s-Chicken-Little spots, including an all-out slug fest towards the end. Unfortunately, the ending left a sour taste in the viewer’s mouth due to a blatant flaw in human logic. Becky Lynch locked in the disarmer and Alexa Bliss got her foot to the bottom rope, but she tapped out anyway. Surely if you’re in that situation, your energy is better spent informing the referee that your foot is on the bottom rope. Other than as a reason to continue the feud, this made no sense.
HERE’S A BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT, LOSERS:
– Tom Phillips is now the 4th man on the Smackdown Live commentary table, though he mostly handled exposition and left the in ring announcing to Maruo, JBL and… sigh… David Otunga.
– Naomi beat Natalya with a roll up after some bullshit drama between Nikki Bella and Carmella caused a distraction.
– Curt Hawkins defeated Apollo Crews with, SURPRISE, a cheeky roll up.
– Kalisto will be challenging for Brian Kendrick’s Cruiserweight Championship at Survivor Series, with a strange caveat being the movement of the entire Cruiserweight Division to Smackdown Live should the li’l luchadore be successful.
– The Miz will challenge for Dolph Ziggler’s Intercontinental Championship next week on the 900th edition of Smackdown.
– Breezeango made a welcome return to Smackdown Live by knocking off The Vaudevillains in a very condensed match ending with a Super(model)kick and Falcon Arrow combination. They were dressed as… sigh… kilt-wearing fashion police.
– Breezeango gave JBL a fashion ticket, possibly hinting at a face-turn, helped along by their unnecessary prolonged absence from the main show. Also, they were liftin’ kilts and shit at the end of the match, which is a good-ol’ bit o’ babyface fun.
So, it’s no secret that Survivor Series is a couple of weeks away, so naturally, the majority of last night’s show was about that. There was a pretty convoluted story running through the episode that I will try to make digestible for the average Joe lunch-pail who reads these recaps.
Baron Corbin isn’t a team player. If anything about The Lone Wolf has been effectively established, it’s that fact. When Shane McMahon suggested the match of “The New Wyatts” (yes it is) Vs. Dean Ambrose, James Ellsworth and Baron Corbin to end the show (but not main event it, apparently), Corbin wasn’t interested.
Cue Kalisto, returning babyface gymnastics man who was “put on the shelf by Baron Corbin”. Shane instead scheduled a match between these two titans of the kick-off show, with Kalisto out for revenge. That pairing is a bit of a tricky one, because Corbin needs to be kept looking strong if he’s going to be taken seriously as a legitimate threat, being the 2nd least experienced wrestler in the men’s Survivor Series match and all. With that said, this is Kalisto’s first appearance back after a few months off our screens, so he needs to make an impact.
The match began with Corbin dominating the li’l firecracker, leading us to believe the company had gone cold on Kalisto and intended to welcome him back with a pathetic defeat. BUT HOLD UP, PLAYA! While walking along the apron, Corbin slipped and fell to the ground, clutching his leg. The Scottish crowd ate this up, spitting fiery chants of the schoolyard classic “she fell over”. Kalisto took advantage of the situation and cheap shotted The Lone Wolf a couple of times, reminding us all that wrestling is fake and that Baron Corbin is a gifted physical comedian, pratfalling with the conviction of a young Chevy Chase.
Baron Corbin was later ruled out of competing at Survivor Series by the medical staff and Kalisto was rewarded for his unsporting behaviour with a shot at the Cruiserweight Championship.
This left Shane and Daniel in a bit of a right royal shitstorm, because who’s going to be the 5th man in the SDLive Survivor Series team? Well, Kane was revealed as Ambrose and Ellsworth’s tag partner for the night, so probably him, right?
In the non-main event, Kane and Harper found themselves brawling into the back, leaving Ambrose to tackle Orton and Bray alone, unless you include James Ellsworth, who had been referred to has “half a man” and “the product of Nessie mating with an alien” already tonight. Ellsworth tagged himself in and prepared for the sweetest of chin musics, which was hilariously countered into a Sister Abigail by Bray for the win.
So we’re left with Orton and Bray looking like they’re gonna tear shit up, post match, when Shane McMahon runs to the ring to cool tensions. He is shortly followed by The Yes Man,
Jim Carey Daniel Bryan, who announces that he has picked the 5th member of the Smackdown team, and that member is an old man who is far past his prime. That member is a man who has tangoed with both Vince McMahon and The Undertaker and is just a few years shy of 50.
That’s right, the 5th member of the Smackdown team is “The Devil’s Favourite Demon” himself… Shane McMahon. Hang on… what?
I often jest at the expense of the brand I love, but we all know that in a couple of weeks, Smackdown Live will not only be the new home of the Cruiserweight Division, but it will be the overall victor of Survivor Series, repping a clean sheet like David Seaman in the 90s. I’d be willing to bet my reputation on it. In fact – listen up, Bradley Tiernan of the far inferior “Raw Review” because this concerns you – I’d be willing to bet my Vulture Hound slot on it. Are you man enough to do the same? I very much doubt it, because the idea of Smackdown and Raw being in my far more capable hands scares you, doesn’t it? Because without your beloved “flagship show”, how will you distract yourself from your pathetic, lonely existence? By reviewing 205 Live (only on the WWE network)? Actually, that probably wouldn’t be a bad gig.