“You there, boy, what day is today?” – A question I shouted from my window this morning.
I was informed by a local rapscallion that today is apparently Wednesday and typically, Monday Night Raw recaps are published on Tuesday morning. To be fair to me, I’m not very smart and I lose track of the days sometimes.
I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch WWE Raw so you don’t have to. Sometimes.
Let’s get right down to business – this week’s episode of Monday Night Raw was pointless and shit. Sure, some stuff happened, but it was one of those episodes where you’re really struggling to give a single darn.
It wouldn’t be the flagship show if the top champion wasn’t embarrassed and belittled by a beautiful Samoan, leaving me wondering why I agreed to stop recapping Smackdown.
The show began with Chris Jericho presenting the Highlight Reel and welcoming his best friend, Kevin Owens, to the ring. In a real Chekov’s Gun moment, the Canadian’s declared that Seth Rollins wasn’t medically cleared, therefore, he would make nary an appearance (wrestling is very clever).
They berated America, as evil foreigners are one to do, before being interrupted by Roman Reigns, a true American hero and shampoo model. Anyway, yada yada yada – Mick Foley made a match between KO and Reigns for later in the show, with the caveat that if Roman won, he is granted a shot at the Universal Championship at “Roadblock: A Blocked Road”. It’s also worth mentioning that Team Kevin and Chris broke up because of that meddling model’s pointed barbs.
Here’s something: Why does Roman carry the US title backwards over his shoulder, like a high school nerd dejectedly walking home from depressing night at prom, jacket slung over his shoulder? Not only is the title not being defended at “Roadblock: Block This”, it’s being presented as merely a prop for Roman – one that he’s embarrassed by.
Anyway, Roman Reigns cleanly defeated Kevin Owens, so I guess we can all go fuck ourselves.
AS IF THAT DIDN’T LEAVE A BAD ENOUGH TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH:
– Rusev lost a match to Enzo via DQ.
– Mark Henry is in a film.
– Rich Swann beat Noam Dar to gain a little momentum for his 205 Live championship shot.
– Cesaro and Sheamus starred in a horrible skit in which they put aside their differences to beat up a bar full of high-school bully-types.
– Paul Heyman appeared in a pre-recorded segment, looking dishevelled and unshaved. He announced that Brock Lesnar would be in this year’s Royal Rumble match.
– Tony Nese beat Cedric Alexander after a li’l interference from Drew Gulak.
– WWE appear to be doing some flirting bull shit with Cedric Alexander and Alicia Fox, so you just know that storyline is gonna be worth keeping an eye on.
– Braun Strowman disposed of R-Truth, who was avenged by his pal, Gold Dust, who was in turn avenged by Sami Zayn, because whatever.
– Zayn and Foley yelled at each other in the ring because getting so close that their beards accidently became intertwined, forcing them to shuffle up the ramp, wincing in chin-pain.
– Seth Rollins (surprise) jumped Chris Jericho in the car park, leading to Pedigree on top of a car for the GOAT.
– Gallows & Anderson lost a title match to The New Day thanks to a good, ol’ fashioned handful of tights.
Remember how Sasha Banks suffered a Women’s Championship loss in her hometown to Charlotte? Well unbuckle your seatbelts and prepare for a smooth, bland ride, folks.
This week’s Raw took place in Charlotte, North Carolina (otherwise known as Flair Country). Charlotte (the person) defended her title in the middle of the show, against Sasha. That match ended in a double count out, but goodfernuthin’ GM Foley wouldn’t allow that, demanding the match be restarted later in the show, adding that it would be a NO DQ, No Count Out and Falls Count Anywhere type o’ thang.
As usual with these two, the match had some good spots, like a moonsault from the commentary table, kendo stick assault and eventually, a Banks Statement involving a security railing that forced Charlotte (the person) to tap out, making Sasha the new champion.
Since the show was in Charlotte (the place), Ric Flair turned up after the match to raise Sasha’s hand in the ring, leaving his daughter without a title or a father.
We’re lucky to have two great athletes at the top of the women’s division, but I honestly have more interest in the Alicia Fox/Cedric Alexander storyline than seeing Sasha fight Charlotte (the person) again. But, we’ll likely see the 1000th rematch between the two at “Roadblock: Follow Diversion” in a few weeks.