Another Wednesday is upon us, which means another forgotten Raw recap was hastily written this morning by yours truly. I’m Elliot Dyson and I was WWE Raw so you don’t have to.
If Bradley Tiernan wasn’t so busy opening boxes, maybe you’d be able to read a timelier Smackdown recap this morning, but here we are.
Seth Rollins kicked off the show with the words “I want Triple H,” reminding us all that one of the COO’s yearly Wrestlemania appearances is just around the corner. He also laid out some convoluted plan to get The Game’s attention by winning the Universal title, which he can’t attempt until he’s beaten Chris Jericho. Yes, it all reeks of tremendous amounts of forward-planning…
Kevin Owens interrupted the promo, because it’s literally impossible to speak in the ring without someone making a shocking appearance. The Prizefighter regaled us all with the tale of the 3 gifts of Jericho (in an attempt to win Chris back): Gift the 1st was a shot at Roman Reigns’ US title on the very same episode of Raw. Gift numero dos was a match with Seth Rollins at Roadblock: Block Through The Heart and You’re To Blame. The 3rd gift was very special indeed, in the form of the first in ring appearance of The Big Show since the draft (right?). Big Show turned up to quite the pop, and several turned heads from the announcers, who couldn’t help but mention Show’s weight loss. Big Show took on Seth Rollins for a while until the backseat driving of Kevin Owens proved too irritating, causing Show to Chokeslam Owens from the apron into the ring, accepting the count out defeat and leaving the champ to fall victim to a pedigree.
Following that, Sami Zayn Vs. Kevin Owens was used once again as a throwaway match in order to give the champ some momentum, despite their “final battle” taking place at Battleground, just a few months back. As they usually do, the two Canadians brought their A-game, but mustering enthusiasm for a match you know the outcome of before it begins is a difficult task. Obviously, Owens walked away with the victory after a Pop-Up Powerbomb, transitioning Zayn from Owens’ ultimate opponent to the only man he can beat cleanly.
THE NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME RESULTS:
– A Tussle in Texas very well might be some American football thing I’ve not heard of. Regardless, in WWE it was a match between Mark Henry and Titus O’Neil, won by the former in a matter of seconds.
– In Cruiserweight news, Jack Gallagher made his Raw debut by beating Ariya Daivari, in a less entertaining rematch from last week’s 205 Live. The moustachioed Manc offered his opponent a handshake at the end of the bout, leading to a blindside-beatdown from Daivari because remember, foreigners are evil.
– The new Cruiserweight Champion, Rich Swann, defeated inaugural champion, TJ Perkins, in a match that was pretty good for a midcard throwaway on Raw.
– John Cena is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend.
– This week’s mid card story arc came from Enzo, Cass, Rusev and Lana and the deep, dark recesses of an old, horned-up white man’s brain. Here it is in 4 acts:
– Rusev, the evil foreigner, shouted at Lana (also foreign, but not really) backstage, forcing heroic American, Enzo Amore, to interject. Lana invited Enzo to her hotel room to thank him.
– Lana sent Enzo a picture of her face and everyone overreacted.
– Rusev demanded a match with Big Cass because of American insolence or some bullshit.
– What’s this? Rusev didn’t show up to his match with Cass… hang on a minute! The evil foreigners have performed quite the ruse! SMASH CUT TO Enzo being seduced into undressing in Lana’s hotel room, only to be forced to eat a darn knuckle sandwich at the hands of Rusev.
– On the kick off show, some bullshit irrelevance happened between Bayley and cruiserweight standout, Cedric Alexander, who happens to be the apple of Alicia Fox’s eye. Naturally, Foxy demanded a match with Bayley and lost. While Raw is emphasising focus on how “history-making” Sasha and Charlotte’s feud is, it is simultaneously having two women fight over a man… in 2016.
– Speaking of herstory, Sasha Banks and Charlotte will be competing in a 30 minute Iron Man match at Roadblock: Mr. Road’s Wild Ride.
– Charlotte invited her father, Ric Flair, to the ring to apologise for something she did 6 months ago and immediately slapped him to the ground and berated him for congratulating Sasha Banks on her title win last week. Sasha came to Naitch’s defence, only to be dispatched of with relative ease.
Gallows & Anderson took on Sheamus & Cesaro to determine the number one contenders for The New Day’s tag titles, which ended in a no contest after interference from the champions. This cosily set up a triple threat title match between the 3 teams, which will take place on next week’s episode (conveniently just hours before The New Day are set to tie Demolition’s record title reign). It’s hard to say if this is luck or if the numbers have been somewhat fudged to add to the drama, because I’m far too lazy to double check the maths.
Toward the end of the show, Chris Jericho attempted, once again, to wrestle the US title from Roman Reigns’ vice-like grip. Y2J was doing his thing, reminding everyone why he is the GOAT, until a dastardly interference from Kevin Owens saw this fair fight become a community-theatre farce. KO superkicked Reigns, leading to a Codebreaker from Jericho, which Roman kicked out of because… well, y’know. Chris then made the Bond villain-esque mistake of taking his eyes off the prize in order to argue with his former best friend, which was a sequence that very obviously ended in a spear and 3 count for Reigns.