One of the members of the famous, European rock band, The Beatles, once declared himself to be having “a wonderful Christmas time.” Macca clearly didn’t watch WWE in December.
I want to start this week’s Raw Recap ™ off by thanking the always-supportive Vulture Hound and Steelchair writers for covering Roadblock 2: Electric Boogaloo on my behalf. It’s because of them that you awoke yesterday morning, groggy and dreading this final week of monotony before the distraction of visiting your parents this weekend, with a piping hot, fresh outta the recap-oven, expertly analysed article on the happenings at WWE’s most recent PPV right at the top of your preferred social media feed. Oh wait… That didn’t happen? That’s funny, because when golden boy, Bradley Tiernan, asks for his work to be covered, it’s snapped up and delivered in 30 minutes or less, so I just assumed the same standards would apply to me, the true saviour of this fledgling webizine. BUT NO! From now on, as far as I’m concerned, I’m an independent contractor with NO COLLEAGUES. I’m Elliot Dyson and this is the only feature on Vulture Hound – The Raw Recap ™.
Okay, for the loyal of you who didn’t look elsewhere for Roadblock results, here’s what you need to know:
– Rusev beat Big Cass via shenanigans and count out.
– Sheasaro became the new Raw Tag Team Champions.
– Sami Zayn lasted for 10 minutes in the ring with Braun Strowman.
– Seth Rollins beat Chris Jericho after Owen’s interference backfired.
– Rich Swann retained the Cruiserweight title against Kendrick and Perkins, only to be beaten down by Neville after the match.
– Kevin Owens retained the Universal Title by eating a Codebreaker from Chris Jericho in a double swerve.
– Charlotte became a 4-time women’s champion by scoring 3 over 2 on Sasha Banks in a illogically booked Iron Man match.
So, Monday Night Raw had some stuff to do, for sure. It’s just over a month ‘til the Royal Rumble and all we really know is that Goldberg and Brock Lesnar will be there and that the venue is gonna be tough to fill. Obviously, WWE spent this edition of Raw focusing on the Royal Rumble, right? Well, kind of. It was fine. I wouldn’t recommend watching it, but it was fine. There’s literally nothing worth looking deeper into, so here’s a supersized…
ALL THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED:
– Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho are friends again. Roman gets a rematch at Royal Rumble and Jericho will be suspended above the ring in a shark cage to prevent interference.
– Rusev beat Big Cass again, this time by being merked so hard that Cass got DQed.
– Sasha Banks limped from the back wanted to congratulate Charlotte on the win at Roadblock: Please Do Not Leave Baggage Unattended On This Train, but Nia Jax turned up to poop on some parties.
– Braun Strowman is angry!
– The tag titles have red straps now.
– Noam Dar Vs. Cedric Alexander, fighting for the love of Alicia Fox or something. Alexander won, in what was almost a squash.
– Sheasaro and The New Day defeated The Club and The Shining Stars.
– Neville is angry!
– Neville and Brian Kendrick beat down Rich Swann and TJP, setting up a tag match on this week’s 205 Live.
– There was a running segment in which Enzo Amore had to attend sensitivity training. It was simply dreadful, despite Bo Dallas’ best efforts.
– Rusev and Jinder Mahal beat up Enzo because foreigners are evil.
– The mouthwatering matchup of Titus Vs. Sin Cara was interrupted by Braun Strowman who murdered everyone, leaving the Titus Brand without a CEO.
– Bayley beat Charlotte thanks to some dodgy refereeing.
– Roman & Rollins Vs. Y2KO ended in a no contest thanks to some more Braun Strowman carnage.
That was the whole show. Have a good Christmas and remember not to read anything else on this website because its writers wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. I’d piss on you even if you weren’t and that’s why I’m your buddy!