Scientists are baffled by the anomaly of time. More so, nobody can understand why wrestling fans dedicate 3 hours of their life every week to watching Monday Night Raw. I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch that nonsense so you don’t have to. Read a book. Hug your children. Do anything else.
This week’s instalment saw what will surely be the end of a feud in the form of a Last Man Standing match between Sami Zayn (who was sporting a shiner before the match even began) and Braun Strowman. As soon as the bell rang, Zayn ran straight to the time-keeper’s area to grab a kendo stick (the worst weapon available), which was baffling. Why was there a kendo stick laying around in the time-keeper’s area? Is it a staff member’s personal kendo stick? Although I guess if I’m addressing that logic flaw, I should really question why there are ever weapons under the ring. It’s not like those steel chairs emergency extra seats in the case of crowd overflow. Anyway, while I was pondering this, the fight moved from the ring to behind the scenes and back outside again, possibly just to see Strowman throw some flight cases around. Zayn crossbodied Braun off the entrance ramp and through a table (…why was that there?), but the former Black Sheep was on his feet before the referee reached a 6. By the end, Sami Zayn was counted out and put on a stretcher.
WWE didn’t post any photos of this fight, by the way. They posted photos of Jinder Mahal and Rusev Vs. Big Cass, so whatever.
HERE’S THAT LIST OF OTHER SHIT YOU’VE BEEN ASKING ABOUT:
– Mick Foley debuted a new look that was not dissimilar to the end of those viral videos in which a do-gooder gives a homeless person a makeover.
– Chris Jericho = Sexy Piñata
– Kevin Owens lost to Seth Rollins by disqualification after using the ring bell as a weapon, thus banning him from ringside during Jericho’s match later in the show.
– Karl Anderson pinned Cesaro with a neck breaker from the top rope, which is a result I imagine the IWC doesn’t know how to feel about.
– Seamus: “[Cesaro] wants to be a Lannister – I’m happy being a Stark.” Now, I don’t watch Game of Thrones, but I assume this is weak analogy used only for the purpose of gaining a cheap, virtual pop from the crossover fans.
– Titus O’Neil pledged to join The New Day in a segment that really made you question whether this show has writers anymore.
– Xavier Woods beat Titus in a one on one bout that really made you question whether this show wants viewers.
– Brian Kendrick tapped out to TJ Perkins because apparently there are negative 2 people in the Cruiserweight division.
– There sure is nothing like pairing a wrestler with Alicia Fox and a giving them a shitty storyline to ruin any momentum and rapport with the crowd they might have had. Anyway, Cedric Alexander lost to Drew Gulak thanks to some distracting ringside shenanigans and a cheeky roll up.
– Emmalina’s promos in which she praises us for being “so good” are a bang on JOI mimic that Vince McMahon probably pops half a chub over. Oh, you don’t want to think about a 70 year old man’s erect penis? THIS IS HOW WE DO THINGS AT VULTURE HOUND!
– “The Evil Foreigners”, Jinder Mahal and Rusev, beat Big Cass in a 2 on 1 match.
– Bayley became the number 1 contender for the Women’s Championship by beating Nia Jax with a Bayley-To-Belly from the top rope, so that’s the Nia Jax thing ruined then.
For the 117th time in the past 2 months, Roman Reigns defended his United States title against Chris Jericho for absolutely no reason other that to attempt to raise the stakes in some boring, repetitive booking. This time, Kevin Owens was banned from ringside and Roman had no champion’s advantage.
The match itself was, you know, fine, considering we’ve seen it numerous times before and absolutely knew how it would end from the get go. At one point, Jericho attempted the old Eddie Guerrero trick of framing his opponent for foul play with the title, but the referee was sceptical and forced the match to continue. Obviously, shortly after the one noteworthy moment of the match, Roman landed a spear and retained the title.
This week’s Monday Night Raw saw the debut of The Kevin Owens Show as an actual segment and the set dressing was straight outta some 90s alt-comedy MTV show. After some back and forth, Jericho (the co-host) announced his intention to win the Royal Rumble and fight his best friend at Wrestlemania, thus keeping the title in the family.
After all that, Goldberg made an appearance, all fired up and shouty and threw some shit around. Paul Heyman then turned up for essentially no reason, immediately followed by Roman, who turned up just to tease “The Batte of the Spears” AKA “The World’s Most Uninteresting Match”, Reigns Vs. Goldberg. After that, Braun Strowman reminded us that he’ll probably get a monster-run in this years’ Rumble, before being double speared by Reignsberg. Why do I watch this show? I hate this show. BYE FOREVER!