Welcome to the most must-see Vulture Hound weekly review in history; welcome to… The SmackDown Review

Last week, SmackDown kicked off 2017 exactly how it ended 2016: by being the most entertaining WWE product since those Top Trumps I frequently play against your Mum. Yet, in true WWE fashion this week certainly left a lot to be desired. That’s if you’re a dirty mark like me of course. If not, then I’m sure you enjoyed what SmackDown had to offer for a change but let it be known that you’ve come to the wrong place if you’re looking for positive words this week.

This week’s show started with the first (and I hope the last) Ambrose Asylum of 2017. Joining Dean Ambrose was special guests The Miz and Maryse. The plot between these grows thicker than most girls false eyebrows of today. As Ambrose got a little too “cheeky” Maryse went to slap him but dodged and instead her palm stretched right across her husbands face. This leaves Maryse the only one in this feud without a slap in the chops. Maybe next Renee Young will “twat” her one. Not in the way I’d like though.

Domestic violence will not be tolerated // wwe.com

Nikki Bella and Natalya are trying their hardest to ruin the women’s revolution by giving us the same old high school teen girl drama we’ve seen too many times before. Their match ended in a No Contest which is how I wish this feud would have started. Really, I have no interest in this due to the constant back and forth of concealed insults. It’s boring.

Moving swiftly on and Kalisto managed to score a rare victory against the now heel Adolph Ziggler. Assuming because petty heels never win, right? After a quick schoolboy pin, Kalisto, ended up on the end of a savage attack from Ziggler. After what seemed like a thousand chairs to the torso, Apollo Crews came to the rescue… or so you’d think as he was also greeted by multiple chair shots from the “just too good” dictator. I’m interested to see where they’re going with this but if neither Kalisto or Apollo Crews come out of this with any greater personality then I’m afraid their time on SmackDown may have to be cut short.

American Alpha retained their SmackDown Tag Team titles against the Wyatt Family. As Orton geared up for an assault on Jason Jordan he instead clocked Harper who was standing on the apron. This sparked another tiff between Bray Wyatt’s minions and builds greater pressure on Bray to chose a favourite. You know, just like how your parents prefer your brother over you.

“Stop yelling at me! I’m trying my best (sad face emoji)” // wwe.com

Daniel Bryan announced there will be no more interfering from that pesky La Luchadore as he is set to put the SmackDown Women’s Champion, Alexa Bliss, against Becky Lynch in a Steel Cage Match. Does D Bry’ not know the difference between a steel cage and a hell in a cell? The cage isn’t sealed at the top so there’s nothing actually stopping the anonymous Mexican from climbing into the cage and completing her life’s mission of interfering in every Becky Lynch v Alexa Bliss match in the year to come.

Carmella beat “local talent” CJ Lunde who had just arrived in the ring from her local theatre performance as Elizabeth Taylor’s character in Father of the Bride… I’ve honestly never seen that movie but after some research into the works of old Liz I’m sure to say that is one hot reference.

See what I mean? Also, just look at Ellsworth! // wwe.com

John Cena def. Baron Corbin WHY!? Granted that the Lone Wolf didn’t hit Cena with the End of Days but with how easily Cena beat him I can’t see how this is anything other than another star that has been buried by Big Match John. I guess he has to look ruthless going in to his match against Styles but couldn’t they have least ended it in a DQ or something? Having Corbin lose after quite an impressive run of form has left me wondering how he can come back from this? The next step would be to let him flatten Ambrose but even that seems unlikely due to the Lunatic’s current clash with the Miz. I guess what I’m trying to say is why would you build up Corbin for months for him just to lose to someone that we already know has super strength anyway? It’s illogical… but such is wrestling I suppose!

Evidently I wasn’t happy with the outcome so here’s a pic of the real people’s champ sat in on commentary // wwe.com

Be sure to come back next week where I’ll be discussing the life and work of Audrey Hepburn.

By Bradley Tiernan

"Wrestling is better than the things you like" - John Oliver

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