As teen-heartthrobs and band-I-forgot-existed, Big Time Rush, once said, “Hey, we’re Big Time Rush.” Truer words have ne’er been spoken. Okay, full disclosure, I’ve run out of steam with these intros, just like Monday Night Raw ran out of steam many years ago. Wow, I saved it. Good work, me.
I’m Elliot and watch Raw so you can, instead, use that time efficiently, by stripping wallpaper or enrolling in an online university course. I mean, you can do whatever you want, but those are two options. Volunteer at a dog shelter – there’s a 3rd.

The show began with a in memoriam for Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and a Martin Luther King Jr. tribute, the latter of which had a backing track reminiscent of an unfathomably-existent Train tribute band, or perhaps the titular band from Nickelodeon’s Big Time Rush. Going the extra journalistic mile, as I am wont to do, I discovered that the act in question is a Christian rock band called “NEEDTOBREATHE” (alloneword). YOU’RE WELCOME!

Roman Reigns made his way to the ring and immediately reminded us all that he was in The Shield and we kind of liked him back then. Luckily, Paul Heyman interrupted The Samoan Grease Machine (after he’d already made his point and finished speaking) to announce that Brock Lesnar was backstage, awaiting his contractually obligated appearance in which he would undoubtedly just about meet the minimum requirement to be considered a member of the roster (and get hella paid).
Heyman was shortly followed by Kevin Owens & Chris Jericho, Braun Strowman, Brock Lesnar and Sami Zayn and because WWE doesn’t own that many microphones, they all just had a bit of a brawl instead. Amidst the carnage, Reigns received an F5 and a suplex, Zayn and Lesnar had an unexpected staredown – eventually Brock was the one left standing.

RAW IS 3 HOURS LONG – HERE’S SOME OF THE FILLER:
– Enzo & Cass defeated Rusev and Jinder Mahal, because obviously.
– Lince Dorado tapped out to Ariya Daivari, while Jack Gallagher “Britished-around” on commentary, promoting the “I Forfeit” match between the latter two on 205 Live this week.
– There was a welcome new take on the “backstage ambush” segment in which Nia Jax took out Sasha Banks while she was running the ropes, having her kayfabe knee injury assessed.
– Zayn, Reigns and Rollins had a televised team-talk before their 6-man tag match. Remember The Shield? DO YOU?
– Neville interrupted Rich Swann’s match before it began with the delivery of a knuckle sammich to the champion.
– The crowd still don’t know The New Day’s new introduction.
– Big E fought Titus O’Neil. Guess who won.
– Cedric Alexander beat Brian Kendrick after some confusing interference from Alicia Fox.
– Kurt Angle will headline the 2017 Hall of Fame induction ceremony (but you already knew that).
– Charlotte and Bayley shouted at each other.

Gallows & Anderson challenged Sheamus & Cesaro for the tag titles, although I’m not entirely sure how the good brothers earned that shot. Now, pop on the kettle and have a sit down, because I need to walk you through this charade. ’Twas a perfectly fine match and all the usual spots were getting their moment, then it got interesting. Sheamus was goin’ ruddy hell for leather, clobberin’ any fellas within arms reach, including the referee. While John Cone was selling like only a referee can, Gallows & Anderson hit Cesaro with a Magic Killer and WWE Official, Darrick Moore (these referee names doing anything for you?), ran to the ring to give them the 3-count. “And newwww…” yelled JoJo, much to the surprise of this smarmy mark, before Cone made it to his feet, demanding the match end in disqualification due to Sheamus giving him the ol’ cauliflower ear, rather than the pinfall, thus allowing Sheasaro to retain their titles (and setting up another title match in the future).

I suppose I should talk about the main event, because y’know… it’s meant to be a talking point. The match was Reigns, Zayn and Rollins taking on Owens, Strowman and Jericho and it played out pretty much exactly like you imagine it would. Zayn got a few moments to shine before taking the pin from Strowman, serving as a harsh reminder that the Wrestlemania main event has never begun with ska music.
The night ended with Kevin Owens standing tall after powerbombing Roman Reigns through the announce table. When the Raw announce table moved to the top of the ramp, we all thought, “Good, at least this will see the end of the needless destruction of so many wonderful tables.” BYE!