January is every wrestling fan’s favourite time of year, not only because of the mouth-watering prospect of being a mere 11 months away from December (widely regarded as peak WWE season), but also because of a certain pay-per-view event that kickstarts the road to Roadblock 3: Expect Delays… That’s right, I’m talking about that sweet, sweet Royal Rumble.
Every year, I comb through the Internet’s juiciest rumours and compile a list of the best few, ordered from least to most likely to happen. I’m serious – fans love this list. The comments on last years’ list ranged from “I make $2419 per hour working from home. Click here:…” to “First!”. There isn’t a more loved list in all of wrestling and yeah, I’m looking at you, Jericho!! Well, fun and games aside, I didn’t have time to do any research this year so I just shat these rumours out in 5 minutes flat. Enjoy!
1) You’re Next!
Get your “feed me more” signs ready, because according to Dave Meltzballz of The New York Times, Bill Goldberg is heavily rumoured to be “attending in some capacity” this year. Meltzballz went on to say that he is “not taking calls from Steelchair magazine,” and to “please stop calling here, Elliot.”
2) I Knew You’d Come…
Strap in tight, Hardy fans because this rumour is gonna hit you like the 2011 documentary on the life of Hole drummer Patty Schemel – so hard!
It is common knowledge that The Hardy Boyz’ TNA contracts are due to expire any goddamn second and with that in mind, you may not be surprised to hear that former World Champion, Goldberg, is linked with an appearance at this years’ event, rather than the aforementioned Hardys. Apologies for the misdirect, but I’ve got a word count to reach.
According to Dave Meltzballz of Vogue, it is “a crime to persistently harass a private citizen and demand wrestling rumours.” Sorry Broken Matt fans, I guess this is one Royal Rumble that won’t be deleted!
3) An NXT Invasion
According to an idea I just had that I thought would be cool, rumour has it that several NXT hot-commodities will be surprise entrants in the rumble. Samoa Joe, Shinsuke Nakamura, Bobby Roode, Tye Dillinger, Liv Morgan, Billie Kay, Angelo Dawkins, Patrick Clark, Corey Graves, William Regal (Stephen Regal), Matt Bloom (Tensai), No Way Jose (No Thanks Joseph) and Steve-O from Jackass are all people who haven’t been explicitly ruled out by Dave Meltzballs of the Crewe Chronicle.
4) Believe That
It only took years of fans rejecting him, but WWE Creative has seen sense at long last. According to my close personal friend, Dave Meltzballs, Roman Reigns will enter at number 29, hand in his resignation and voluntarily eliminate himself by lifting his beautiful, toned, Samoan legs over the top rope. The fans will be perplexed, though this sad expression of defeat and acceptance will connect with them on an “everyman” level and they will promptly begin cheering “Roman Empire” in place of every other 4-syllable chant in their arsenal.
5) Familiar Faces/Familiar Heels
This will come as no shock to any switched-on wrestling fan, but it’s worth writing simply to fill this articles’ aforementioned word quota. Several superstars from WWE’s past will appear as surprise entrants, including Kurt Angle, CM Punk, Cody Rhodes, Bad News Barrett, Ryback, Daniel Bryan, Headbanger Mosh (but not Thrash) and CM Punk again. No word on Goldberg yet.
6) A Revamped Format
I know this one seems like a long shot, but stick with me. Sources close to WWE have indicated that Vince McMahon is strongly considering featuring a 30-man, over-the-top-rope battle royal in the night’s proceedings. Nobody is exactly sure how this might work, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that Vinnie pulls the trigger, because it sounds like another one of the boss-man’s game-changers!
Posters on the Reddit thread, R/SquaredCircle suggest that the radical format change is due to a slump in ticket sales, which realistically, is to be expected after the fans have been exhausted with a string of great Roadblocks in 2016.
7) Foreign Promotion
And finally, a cold, hard fact to round this list out! This week, WWE French announce team, Christophe Aguis & Phillippe Chereau, both confirmed that in France the PPV is indeed called “Le Quarter Pounder With Cheese Rumble”.
So when you see CM Punk win the Royal Rumble this year (and perhaps a surprise appearance from BILL GOLDBERG!), remember that you heard it here first. If my journalistic excellence has rubbed you the wrong way, feel free to tweet any insults or death threats to @BradleyTiernan.