Well, it’s Open Fight Night and in case you haven’t been watching and let’s face it you probably haven’t; a couple weeks ago we had the DCC, Eli Drake, Trevor Lee, and Jeff Hardy all win different colored briefcase’s and tonight they will cash them in and try to win Impact gold. Let’s see how they fair up.
The Broken Hardy’s open tonight’s Impact, with Matt saying that the light will shine solely on his brother Jeff but the seven deities have been speaking again. They have acquired a “teleportation mechanism” to take the gold from the Bucks of Youth, the Day of New and the Family of Wyatt’s. It’s a shame that the only ones who are still champs would be the Bucks of Youth, the downfall to being pre-taped. Jeff then announces he will challenge “The Big” Bobby Lashley tonight, Bobby states that they will cheat to win so Jeff tells “Brother Moore” to go backstage… Is Jeff on drugs again?
Impact World Championship
Bobby Lashley vs Jeff Hardy
So, to say the match starts off slow is one hell of an understatement, the two brawl at a snail’s pace with Jeff playing to the crowd after every move. Lashley does hit a nice powerbomb onto the steel steps, doesn’t try to win; in fact, they just start another sloth-like brawl outside. Once we come back from the commercial break the two are brawling back in the ring, luckily at a more watchable pace. Jeff stumbles, hits is between the legs leg drop, dropkick, twist of fate and Swanton but only gets a two, hits another Swanton but Bobby gets his foot on the rope. The two go back outside, Jeff hits a double jump drop kick off the steps and attempts a Swanton to the floor but Lashley rolls under the ring, hits a spear and gets the win.
Eddie Edwards comes out and starts calling Lashley “Triple B” and I’m left confused as hell. Apparently, Lashley is just as confused so he asks the question; Eddie replies with “Bitch Boy Bobby.” Lashley then cuts a good promo on how he knows what he should do, but he doesn’t want to. Ultimately, Bobby says he will but he only gets one shot and if he loses he’ll never bother Bobby again. Thumbs up for Bobby, thumbs down for Eddie.
I’m going to need you to channel your inner Rod Serling We are about to enter a program that will leave you speechless, a feud among feuds, what would inevitably be one of the worst matches in Knockouts history; Rosemary vs Brandi Rhodes. You are now entering, the Twilight Zone. Anyways, Rosemary tries to recruit Brandi to Decay with her but Brandi declines, let’s see where this goes; I’m not expecting it to go very far.
A graphic pop’s up and it’s “a Day in the Life of Aron Rex.” Backstage, Spud is driving around his master, Aron Rex in a golf cart and when they stop Spud gets out on his hands and knees to roll out the carpet for said master.
Sienna vs Brooke Adams
This match is absolutely horrible, clumsy as hell, the drizzling shits; whatever you call it, this is it. Sienna wins, that is all.
We get more of how Rex spends his days, they’re in the green room getting powdered up. Spuds claims the lady is doing it wrong, Rex plugs his ears to avoid confrontation and Spud finishes the job. They end by claiming Aron is Rex-alicious and this is really starting to grow on me.
Falls Count Anywhere
DCC vs Decay
One thing that’s for sure, these guys did a much better job at getting my attention while brawling outside just by not moving at sloth speed. Back in the ring, Kingston’s on the turnbuckle when Rosemary hits her one spot in the match, she spits the mist into Kingston’s eyes, allowing hit to get chokeslamed onto the thumb tacks, Abyss is then hit with a bottle and superkicked onto the barbwire board. We also get many teases at going through the table that’s set up outside. Finally, Bram piledrives Crazzy Steve through the table and James Storm picks up the pin and the victory. I don’t know if I like the match so much because it was good and exciting or the Sienna and Adams match just lowered my standards that much.
We’re still doing the Mean Girls thing; Maria says that Braxton will propose to Laurel. I don’t even care; get married and get the f*** off my screen.
Drew Galloway has the mic, he says that the history of this title doesn’t count, it starts when he came in like a white knight and took what was rightfully his. Moose comes out says that Galloway keeps kicking him in the nuts; the crowd keeps laughing at Moose. Luckily we won’t have to see Moose and Galloway again, we get Rob Ryzin!
Impact Grand Championship
Drew Galloway vs Rob Ryzin
Essentially, Rob Ryzin is a Red Rooster wannabe; Galloway absolutely dismantles him ending it with a Future Shock DDT. As if Impact wasn’t WWE Lite to begin with, they seem to be going towards the James Ellsworth story or at the very least get unknown jobbers to be squashed. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good squash match and there’s plenty of room for it on Impact since we rarely get a match that’s worth talking about every week. I just wish Impact would do something to differentiate themselves from the mecca that is WWE.
Not to nitpick, but after the commercial break they replay the whole match again to lead into a backstage interview with Galloway. I said to be different from the WWE not go full on stupid. Nonetheless, we do get another top-notch promo from Drew Galloway.
X-Division Championship Ladder Match
Trevor Lee vs DJZ
The deck is stacked for DJZ following the attack last week; in fact, DJZ is always injured. For week’s we watch him wrestling with a cast on his arm and now his foot is heavily taped. DJZ has tried time and time again to climb the ladder, fed up Trevor Lee attacks the leg with a chair and then grabs the title in what had to be the most underwhelming ladder match in wrestling history. Top spot being a DDZ from the ladder; don’t get me wrong, the match wasn’t bad, just underwhelming.
Rex is still backstage where he and Spud seem to be getting ready for a dance party, that must of drew the attention of Robbie E who says they have unfinished business and they need to go right now. Aron Rex asks him on a date next week, in the ring.
Eli Drake vs EC3
Tyrus has a handpicked opponent for Eli Drake, he calls out EC3 who hobbles to the ring. Tyrus tells him to show the world those awesome abs and we are shown a huge bruise on the ribs of Ethan Carter to which Tyrus says “that looks infected.” Like I say each and every week here I really wish we had high quality “wrestling” matches each week, we get it from WWE, NXT, ROH but very seldom from TNA or Impact; whatever they’re called. Every match tonight had one thing in common, they’re riddled with brawls. Speaking of brawls, after EC3 picks up the big babyface victory, Eli Drake and Tyrus beat down EC3. The lights go out, once they come back on we see the DCC standing in the ring. They quickly turn their attention to EC3 and then to Drake and Tyrus taking out everyone in the ring as Impact goes off the air.
Not a bad show with all things considered, the matches were okay but nothing special.