Monday Night Raw kicked off with everyone’s 2nd favourite WWE General Manager standing in the ring and apologising to the higher-ups in an attempt to retain his position at the company. As we have likely all heard, regardless of grovelling, this position ain’t staying in the same hands, so Mick canned the sweet talk and did about of passionate-Foley-shouting – something that’s become somewhat of a signature move during his tenure as GM.
Stephanie marched to the ring and did the whole shouty thing too and before we knew it, Raw was without a General Manager (not that it’s a position that actually needs to exist). Sami Zayn interrupted proceedings, berating Steph for her poor decision-making and lack of class, because these two have had a quiet little semi-meta feud. Steph put Zayn in a match with Samoa Joe, which was a real barn-burner though obviously, Sami lost, regardless of how many diving-corner-turnbuckle-DDT things he pulled out (it was just the one). In the end, Sami tapped out to the Coquina Clutch.
Sans reality TV show and sans pretend management position, Mick Foley walked through the darkened corridors of Raw just one more time, stopping occasionally to think about the good times and turn off a light switch in a real series-finale kind of way. That didn’t really happen, but he did give big sloppy hugs to Sheamus, Cesaro and Bayley before delivering his immortal send off: “Have a nice day. Have a nice day forever.” That also didn’t happen, but Triple H turned up to be a dick to him one last time.
Chris Jericho hosted a very special edition of The Highlight Reel, joined by “The Real Kevin Owens” and the friends of Jericho (cheer him on, maaaaan). The GOAT showed that old photo of Kevin Owens doing the Jericho pose in his bedroom and the screengrab of some Twitter DMs in which it, sadly, did not go down.
Jericho declared that Owens idolised the elder-statesman and ramped up to putting that honky sumbitch on el listo, only to be interrupted by Samoa Joe (REMEMBER HIM FROM A FEW LINES AGO?), though The Destroyer was merely a distraction, allowing KO to ambush his former best friend from behind, delivering a mighty Popped Up Powered Bomb and tearing the list in twain.
SHIT YOU GOTTA KNOW, BUDDY:
– Nia Jax got another chance to earn a spot on the Wrestlemania Fatal 4 Way, in which she defeated Bayley.
– Why does every member of the roster get their own personal TV set up in awkward places, like the middle of the ruddy locker room? Hey, money saving tip for you – share TVs.
– Brian Kendrick defeated TJ Perkins with a Sliced Bread No. 2 and he also, for some reason, is in possession of Akira Tozawa’s passport.
– Stephanie put Sheamus & Cesaro in a 2 on 4 handicap match with their Wrestlemania spot on the line all because they said goodbye to their former general manager.
– Sheamus & Cesaro beat the 4-man team of Gallows, Anderson, Enzo and Cass after The Club dispatched of their own partners because booking in the tag division is void of logic.
– The New Day did some pre-recorded bullshit, possibly because the smarky crowd would have had some smarky things to shout at Xavier if they were in the ring.
– Austin Aries beat Tony Nese again because the Cruiserweight division is only 4 people deep.
– The Universal Champion was nowhere to be seen on a Raw just two weeks prior to Wrestlemania.
– Charlotte wrapped up that whole Dana Brooke storyline with a decent match and a clean win.
Remember how Braun Strowman was an unstoppable force that was sure to bring in the end of the reign of Roman? Well, now he’s a bit player in Roman’s feud with The Undertaker, just happy to eat a Spear or a Chokeslam when needed.
Roman Reigns battled Strowman once more in last night’s main event. As the outlook was beginning to look bleak for the former Black Sheep, our ears were graced with the familiar (and expected) chime of The Undertaker’s church bell. The Deadman appeared in the middle of the ring and delivered the aforementioned Chokeslam to Strowman (and what a Chokeslam is was oooh boy!), though before the obligatory staredown, Mr. Believe That had to go and ruin it with a ruddy great big Spear to The Undertaker. The Big Doggo walked up the ramp being all “This here is my yard and I bury my bones here,” and so on, before The Phenom did his whole sitting up quickly thing that we all seem to think is cool. I, for one, hope to fall asleep before this match begins on April 2nd, meaning the only nightmares I witness remain firmly in the dream realm.