Welcome to the most must-see Vulture Hound weekly review in history; welcome to… The SmackDown Review (this week, brought to you by Elliot Dyson via Bradley’s writers profile). Confused yet?

You may think of me as the luckiest man in the whole darn world, as I had the pleasure of recapping both Raw AND Smackdown this week. No, I don’t have a “job”, thanks for asking!

Using my unique experience and expertise, I can tell with complete candor that Smackdown knows how to put on a go-home show, unlike its red cousin. Here’s what went down on this week’s Smackdown Live!

Too many cooks… // wwe.com

The women of Smackdown had not just one, but TWO whole matches this week. Well, one match was about 30 seconds long and was broken up by some third party brawling, but it counts, right?
After the adverts, a SURPRISE FACES VS. HEELS TAG MATCH BROKE OUT between Becky Lynch, Mickie James, Alexa Bliss and Carmella. That match ended with Carmella pinning Becky after interference from Natalya and Ellsworth.

Just in case you forgot what Naomi looks like // wwe.com

Now, here’s where it gets 3% more interesting. During the typical post-match brawl, the ring was cleared by a returning Naomi, who hasn’t actually been gone that long. Wouldn’t it have been cooler to see her make a surprise return at Wrestlemania rather than 5 days prior? Yes. Yes it would. Is it weird that both Raw and Smackdown have worked an exaggerated injury storyline to achieve fan-sympathy for a face? Also yes.


– Mauro Ranallo remained absent from the commentary desk.

– Possibly for the first time since returning to the company last year, Shane McMahon was on the receiving end of some boos from the crowd.

– There’s a helluva lotta talk during the contract signing for the Shane/AJ match, but no amount of forced hype will make me actually give a shit about it.

– Okay, buckle up because I have a bombshell to drop. WWE have stuck perennial “we’re not sure what to do with these guys” tag team, Breezeango, in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale.

– Breeze dressed as Nikki Bella again. Uhhhhhhhhhm…

– Mojo Rawley pinned Tyler Breeze in a clusterfuck tag match promoting Smackdown’s meagre hopes of winning the Andre Battle Royale.

Mr Poopy Pants // wwe.com

The show’s best segment was the much-deserved finale of Miz and Maryse’s Total Bella’s parody. Miz’s portrayal of Daniel Bryan as a whiny vegan baby was a standout. You should watch it. It makes WWE’s previous attempts at comedy look like WWE’s previous attempts at comedy (you know, shit?). Also, it was surprisingly intense and just great and you should watch it and also we should all stop watching Raw.

Total Bullshit // wwe.com

Afterwards, Cena and Nikki turned up and actually, that bit was pretty great too. Cena finally seems to have committed to this feud. Also, he called The Miz a pussy, because John Cena can do whatever he wants WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT MIZ HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT. Pretty meta, WWE.
You know, I’m surprised, but WWE have actually got me to care about a throwaway mixed-tag match. I’ve changed, man.

The show’s main event was an unfortunately wasted one-on-one between Luke Harper and his former master, Bray Wyatt. The match had some good spots and way more potential, but it only got about 5 minutes of airtime before Bray hit Harper with a Sister Abigail for the clean win. Side note: Harper debuted his RADICALLY DIFFERENT NEW LOOK! I BARELY RECOGNISED HIM! And by that I mean he wore a tighter fitting tank top. WOW!

Mister Abigail // wwe.com

The match was tagged with a VT from Randy Orton hyping a general mysterious vibe, I guess. I’m still on board for the WWE Title match at ‘Mania, but I wish Harper got more time to shine. Maybe he’ll win the Andre match. I said MAYBE!

By Bradley Tiernan

"Wrestling is better than the things you like" - John Oliver

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