After reading this review you will be transported to a time where The Dark Knight Rises is the number one movie and Taylor Swift proclaimed that we are never ever getting back together. Impact goes full on 2012 in 3…2…1.

Eli Drake vs Caleb Konley

The contest gets off to a fast start, we have to thank Konley for that. It doesn’t last long, within three minutes Eli Drake is getting his hand raised while the ref is standing on the bottom rope. Why? Because Eli said so.

Fast forward five seconds or so, Borash and Matthews start their bickering in extra annoying fashion. Thankfully, we are saved by Brother Love who is as sick of this as I am and declares how he plans to end this annoying feud, that Borash and Matthews each will pick a team of four and they will square off. That’s how you squash the beef. We do find something out that’s interesting, Borash has the best crazy eyes since Tiny Lister.

Knockouts Gauntlet
Ava Storie, Madison Rayne, Rebel, Amanda Rodriguez, MJ Jenkins, Diamante, ODB and Brandi Rhodes

Madison Rayne and Kayci Quinn (or Ava Storie) start of the match. I’m not going to sugar coat it; this match was the drizzling shits. Thirty seconds later, Rebel comes out, sticky from tending bar backstage I assume; I’m sure you’re not surprised when I say it gets no better. Will the next competitor make things any better? Are you f***ing kidding me? Of course not, we get ACR or Amanda Rodriguez who is as talented as a wet fart. Thankfully, Diamante comes to save the day and makes the best of the steam pile she’s been given. The match goes on and ODB and Brandi Rhodes enter the match. Oh, I forgot to tell you cause they forgot to tell me that this match is essentially a poor man’s Royal Rumble with the final two competitors having to duel it out till one gets a pinfall. ODB wins, I’m done with this match.

James Storms comes to the ring and he’s back to his old Cowboy gimmick, he grabs a mic and gives a great fiery babyface promo about how he’s glad to be back as the Cowboy and he’s gunning for the Heavyweight Championship. The remaining members of the DCC, Bram and Kingston come out and combat Storms promo with a fantastic heel promo by Kingston calling Storm a liar for guaranteeing the world if he wore a stupid mask and put on a suit. The town hall meeting breaks down into fisticuffs with James Storm standing tall, catchphrase and all.

Backstage, Andrew Everett has a gripe with Shane Helms who has been putting obstacles in his way towards Trevor Lee. Helms would enter stage left and announce that all Everett needs to do is win a simple triple threat match. We are then presented with a decent video hyping the feud.

Andrew Everett vs Marshe Rockett vs Suicide

Look at Kaleb Konley double dipping in the Impact money pot tonight while Rockett doesn’t even get a name graphic. Good job Impact, it’s a taped show and you’re f***ing up the stupidest things, c’mon! Should I have liked this match? Maybe. Did I enjoy this match? No. No story to tell, no drama and no progression make Tyler a very bored boy. Andrew Everett does pick up the win with a super sweet Shooting Star Press though.

Last Man Standing Match
Eddie Edwards vs Davey Richards

This match starts off with Eddie Edwards blindsiding his opponent before the bell and the brawl quickly makes its way into the crowd where Davey does his best Gollum impression and gets into an argument with a lady in the stands. Back in the ring, they set up two chairs and after a brief make-out session, Eddie power bombs Davey through said chairs and continues to wallop Richards with chair shot after chair shot, not allowing the ref to make a count. Not to be outdone, Richards would then superplex Edwards onto a pile of broken chairs. Eddies wife would come out to cheer on her husband but all I can see is the fans around her awkwardly shuffling around or just standing there like a deer in the headlights. She also looks really mean, I can’t get behind a mean lady. Amongst all this, Love tosses in a chain that Davey would use between, you guessed it, make out sessions with his wife. Edwards would mount a comeback with Kobashi chops and chair shots galore ending with a tree of woe dropkick with a pile of chairs and a double foot stomp onto Davey Richards head which is placed onto a standing steel chair. The ladies then get involved and have a cat fight outside, back in the ring Angelina has Eddie propped up after a chair shot from Davey, who is wrapping the chain around his foot but he stops, he’s having second thoughts until Love convinces him a BAM! Davey delivers a death kick to the face of Edwards knocking him out and getting the win. This was a really good match that told a story, had good action and some fancy spots to get the usually dead Impact crowd to make some noise.

Did you know that on Thursday night the US launched missiles in Syria while on Impact on that same night ran a vignette for the “Veterans of War” containing a clip of Bush announcing their war in Iraq? Conspiracy anyone? Kidding, the government wouldn’t even touch Impact.

Did you just ask where LAX is tonight? Well, they’re in a club that has a ring set up on the dance floor while they take shots and cut a promo into cameras. The production wasn’t what the last few LAX vignettes have had been I’ll live.

I’d rather not talk about James Storm recording a country theme song, it honestly just looks like Jarrett rehashing his own storyline from the mid-nineties.

Alberto El Patron vs Jon Bolen

Not gonna lie, this was a nothing match that started as fast as it finished. It was just a way to get El Patron out to the ring and say he’s coming for the Heavyweight Championship.

Backstage, Allie and Sutter are being interviewed when Sienna and KM interrupt, ultimately KM start’s yelling like a gorilla, Karen Jarrett takes another stand against bullies when she tells Braxton that he’s too good for this and next week they’ll settle it in the ring.

We are then presented with our last “Fury” vignette which reveal a lot about who “Fury” is. First, we see Sienna dropping pictures of Allie and Braxton at the feet of Kongo Kong who Jarrett had signed to GFW a year back. Sorry if I spoiled anything for you.

A week before the WWE has their “Superstar Shake-up” Impact has a little draft of their own, the timing couldn’t be more spot-on for a pre-taped show. That means it’s time to pick members of Team Josh and Team Jeremy, the teams break down as so; Team Josh consists of Lashley, Bram, Eli Drake and Tyrus. Team Jeremy is made up with Alberto El Patron, Chris Adonis aka Tiny Chris Masters. If those teams don’t add up to you, you’re not crazy. Josh sends his team after the two members of Team Jeremy when Borash signals for his third member to come out and help elevate the beating and its Matt Morgan, meh. That’s still 4v3, backstage a limo door opens and someone gets out but they are out of time.

Meanwhile on impactwrestling.com, it’s revealed that the fourth member of Team Jeremy is the returning Magnus who is also the reigning GFW Champion. An entertaining segment and good way to close Impact, building to next week and caps off an entertaining second half following the flying turd of a first hour and to top it all off it was almost five minutes short of two hours even after replaying half of the Knockout’s match just to open for a pointless ODB backstage interview.

2.5/5