Monday Night Raw is a lot like a meal at McDonald’s – it’s the same every time: disappointing and bad for you, yet for some reason, you want more. If you like zingers like that, well, do I have a Raw recap for you! Honestly, I spent most of my time crafting that line, so the rest of the article actually falls flat in comparison. Don’t like it? I don’t give a fuck of a shit.
I’m Elliot and I watch Monday Night Raw so you don’t have to.

This week’s show began with Roman Reigns cutting a pretty shitty heel promo about how dominant he is, which Samoa Joe interrupted. Joe and Roman had a tussle designed to get Joe somewhat over as a face for his impending Universal Title match against Brock Lesnar. Reigns maneuvered out of the Coquina Clutch and delivered a Superman Punch to the #1 contender for his troubles. By this point, you know how these shows go: the first segment sets up an impromptu match later on the card, which implies that Raw routinely goes on the air without a complete show scheduled. It’s almost as if wrestling is fake…

Hey, it’s later already! Towards the arse-end of the show, the dueling Samoans put on a reasonable outing and as things seemed to be coming to a conclusion, Roman’s 3 moves of doom were interrupted by a video feed of an ambulance appearing on the titantron. Out of that ambulance stepped the “Monster Among Men”, Braun Strowman. While Roman was distracted by moving images (rookie mistake), Samoa Joe locked in the Coquina Clutch, putting “The Big Dog” to sleep (not like that). After the match, Braun Strowman strode to the ring and delivered his famous catchphrase, “I’m not finished with you,” before reverse Chokeslamming Reigns and challenging him to an ambulance match at Great Balls of Fire.

The night’s second segment saw Jojo welcome The Drifter to the ring. Elias Samson didn’t quite get through tuning his guitar before Finn Balor made his way to the ring. Samson then walked out with no confrontation while Finn remained in the ring for his match with Bo Dallas, which posits the question: Why was Elias Samson granted time in the ring to play a song on this wrestling show? IT’S ALMOST AS IF WRESTLING IS FAKE. Anyway, Finn Balor made long work of Bo Dallas (almost like he needs to look strong for some reason – more on that later). The Drifter then ambushed Balor backstage in one of Charlie Caruso’s classic “What’s next for [blank]?” interview.

SOME OTHER SHIT HAPPENED AND HERE IS THAT OTHER SHIT:
– The Hardy Boyz defeated Gallows & Anderson.
– The Seth Rollins/Bray Wyatt feud ticked along predictably.
– Akira Tozawa defeated TJP thanks to the moral support of The Titus Brand, much to the chagrin of Neville.
– Will The Titus Brand be the next big faction? This expert and good friend of Dave Meltzer says “Yes.”
– Cesaro and Sheamus defeated Apollo Crews and Titus O’Neil. I’m telling you, despite this loss, the dominant Titus Brand faction is happening.
– Sasha Banks and Nia Jax had a match that quickly devolved into an entire women’s division kerfuffle.

In the “why is this still on?” section of the show, The Miz hosted an episode of his eponymous TV show in order to get back in the good graces of his wife, Maryse.
Things were going swimmingly before that ruddy wackadoodle, Dean Ambrose, turned up, forcing The Miz to look like a chump in front of his wife once more. Oh, remember those dancing bears? No, not those ones – the ones from this wrestling storyline. Yeah, well they beat down Ambrose, revealing themselves to be The Miz’s Marine 5 co-stars, Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel, looking hard as fuck in their bear costumes. I told you there’d be more on that later.

The night’s headline segment was Kurt Angle’s Miss Marple-style grand reveal of Enzo and Cass’ attacker(s). Mr. Olympics-Person welcomed The Revival and The Big Show to the ring, having questioned them on their involvement earlier in the show. Despite Kurt’s prior sleuthing, he still decided to point-blank ask Big Show if he had anything to do with all this bullshit, to which the World’s Largest Athlete responded by possibly quitting Monday Night Raw.
As The Revival were revealed to merely be extras in this nonsense, Corey Graves piped up. Graves got involved to put Cass in his place, showing some security camera footage in which Large Colin dicked about with some metal and staged his own ambush. Leaving the pageantry at home, “The Saviour of Misbehaviour” bluntly stated that Big Cass attacked Enzo. Cass then took the next 5 minutes of my life away by Bond-villaining about how he’s sick of defending a trash-talker who can’t fight his own battles and, confusingly, about how he chose to keep his ambush a secret in order to assess how smart Enzo is (you know, like what serial killers do to detectives).
Anyway, Amore stood dumbstruck while Cass struck the dummy with a big ol’ boot, tossing his “SAWFT” t-shirt aside, ushering in the era of Bad Cass (trademark Elliot Dyson 2017). In summary, this storyline sucked and the twist ending was obvious yet nonsensical, so congrats, WWE, for being a living oxymoron.