Who got this Delorean up to 88? We’re back in 1983 this week! Welcome to Impact Provincial Wrestling Federation, the most exciting federation in the business right now. I’m about to turn 4, I do fitness in front of my TV to do like my sisters, I will start to read soon but, as I’m a genius, I can already type on a computer…
This week, all our favourite heroes are on TV, so stop your slot-in record player, hide this walkman, get your fingers off this jar of frost. You’ll watch MacGyver later because there is wrestling tonight. Downtown Daddy Brown is competing against Julian Cumberbun for the International Commonwealth Television Title. Gutter punk grappler Rip Rayzer is also competing tonight (I love punks, don’t tell my Mum…). DJ 2 Large is also on TV tonight, the one who never plays new wave (sad). And I want to go into the cockpit with Captain Joystick, please… So no more words, let’s get ready for some action, but your French Enygma Steph way, of course…

 [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q74SuVb5GYY]

Welcome to IPWF!

(Loads of videos are available here)

• Giuseppe Scovelli (Josh Matthews) and Sexton Hardcastle (Don Callis) welcomed us to the show. The Son of The Boss has an ugly Magnum, P.I. moustache and I’m not sure Sexton is only drinking water… Do you realize they smoke and drink on TV? Maybe one day, it will be prohibited… Who knows?

• Pizza boy pugilist Rapid Delivery Pete (Rich Swann) defeated Gutter punk grappler Rip Rayzer (Ace Austin). If he delivers pizza like he’s wrestling, your pizzas will never be cold. His Special Delivery Splash sounded like a God Save The Queen to this poor Rip.

• Julian Cumberbun (Ethan Page) and Sonny Sanders (Sami Callihan) arrived for an interview. If Cumberbun is hungry like a wolf, Sonny Sanders is very in excess… They talked about tonight’s “International Commonwealth Television Title – Loser Leaves Town Match” against Downtown Daddy Brown (Willie Mack). After Cumberbun wins, they will be celebrating with cheeseburgers. Champ Cumberbun said he made this town, and if they didn’t have the strap, the pay window would be closed. Downtown arrived and Cumberbun ran him down and told him to quit dreaming. Downtown said the people didn’t pay to hear Cumberbun talk and he will take that Championship tonight, as he will take him downtown. Sanders hit a NutCracker on Downtown but Cumberbun accidentally hit Sanders as Downtown ripped off Cumberbun’s suit. Downtown Daddy is very Mr. T when he is angry…

• Promotional video for The Hard Workers, Oats (Cody Deaner) and Hall (Cousin Jake). Their fabulous playlist should make my boombox happy. If only they could dance the disco as they wrestle… 
• Ice Man was back interviewing the tag team Xcessive Force, Pummel (D’Lo Brown) & Plunder (Fallah Bahh). They were dressed up as the new team in town. Tick-tock, Plunder said, The Hard Workers time is counting down, and they are about to take their last breath. Pummel said Hard Work is not having shoes (maybe we could ask Bob Geldof if he can do something for them). When the big storm comes, we will sail away because of Pummel & Plunder!
• The Hard Workers defeated The Monsters of Mayhem Xcessive Force. Hard time for the New Kids on the Block… They were so unhappy they crushed the Hard Workers’ hats. Not sure they will want to dance with somebody after that…

• Coming next week, the surfer tag team of The New Wave (The Crists) debut. How many generations this movie “Big Wednesday” will influence? 
• Hot Newcomer Johnny Swinger defeated Buck Gunderson. He tried to interview his lumbar vertebras but they never replied, so he strangled his eyes. Way too Vanilla Ice for me…
• Frank the Butcher (Rhino) announced he’s coming to the territory. You’d better call him Dr Butcher, M.D. …

• The Rough Riders, Georgia Cobb (Jordynne Grace), Ladybird Johnston (Havok), Mildred Moore (Alexia Nicole) and Blanche Ardmore (Tessa Blanchard) were interviewed. They will come on you harder than anyone has ever come on you and will take over the territory. They couldn’t imagine anyone would want to step to them and it doesn’t matter who faces them because they will rough ride all over you and will go back to the Marriott and they will be the leaders of the rat brigade as the love tunnel will be open all night long. Girls just want to have fun, everybody knows that…

• Jazzy Fitbody (Madison Rayne) defeated the Siren of Suds Agnes Beerheart (Alisha Edwards). The fitness goddess did so well I’m sure Jane Fonda blushed… Sebastian Baker (Jimmy Jacobs) arrived at ringside during the match. Post-match, The Dandy of Wrestling Sebastian tried to recruit Jazzy, and Jazzy signed with him. She then hit the Nutcracker him and ripped up the contract. Jazzy is NOT a material girl, period.

• The Rough Riders – Georgia Cobb (Jordynne Grace), Ladybird Johnston (Havok), Mildred Moore (Alexia Nicole) & Blanche Ardmore (Tessa Blanchard) defeated The Mighty Ontario oak Tim Burr (Josh Alexander), The Man who puts the ‘physical’ in Physical Education Jim Nassium (Dez), the Architect of Pain Bill Ding (Trey) & Race Car superstar Ray Strack (Wentz). Some very innovative wrestling here, this DDT was very dangerous and this double axe handle, how revolutionary Burr is. In the end, the girls were True Horsewomen. Their name was Rio and they danced on the sand. Meanwhile, boys, boys, boys, I’m really looking for a good time…

• The $3,000 Body Slam Challenge – Anyone who can bodyslam the Wildman Kongo Kong will claim $3,000. Featuring the King of the Great White North Muscles McGee (Brian Cage) and Golden Boy Mr. Atlantis arrived first and he failed and got beat down until proud Canadian hero Muscles McGee made the save. Kong attacked and McGee battled back and slammed Kong. He took the money, $3,000… Canadian. A little bird is telling me one day McGee could scrap Terminator for good…
• In 2 weeks, Tommy Dreamer, the greatest IPWF champion, will return to get his title back. Jack Tunney suspended him last year after using a piledriver, so he broke Bruno’s neck and slapped Vince McMahon’s son Vinny Jr. He didn’t care of its Race, Rhodes, The Briscoes, Backlund, the Funks. Bockwinkle or anyone, he will take his title back, you egg-sucking dogs. Did Dreamer watch “Cujo” recently?

• We saw an extended video of last week’s match between Captain Joystick and DJ 2 Large. After some funny antics, DJ 2 Large put his hat on and hit the Platinum Discus clothesline for the win. Captain Joystick was even able to unload his Kajagoogoo lock…
• Interview time with The Cock Pit with Captain Joystick (Joey Ryan), accompanied by Miss Mile High (Kiera Hogan). Grand Master Flash DJ 2Large (Moose) was their guest. Joystick messed with him, refusing to allow him to talk. And put himself over but Miss Mile High had the hots for DJ 2Large. DJ 2Large cut him off and busted out a rap on Joystick and they brawled as Joystick laid him out and left with Miss Mile High.

• The Rough ‘n’ Tumble Cowboy Colt McCoy (Eddie Edwards) defeated The Suplex Sultan Gama Singh. Singh blinded McCoy with a fireball last month to set up this match. Dada Singh was at ringside. Mc Coy, I prefer Urban Cowboy… Post-match, Colt was interviewed and he said he’s farm strong. The Soviets (Elgin & Fulton) attacked him and choked him out with the Russian chain. They attacked Giuseppe the owner and laid the Russian flag over Colt. These 2 are very ready to set another brick in the wall.

• Giuseppe Jr (Josh) talked about the attack on his father and Giuseppe Sr. (Scott D’Amore) cut a promo. He vowed revenge on the Soviets, and next week, he’ll lace up the boots one more time and team with Colt to beat the Soviets back to where they came from. “Please go to the concession stand, hot dogs and popcorn are now half off.” If he wasn’t as red as I saw him, I would have thought I saw Hulk.

• Downtown Daddy Brown (Willie Mack) defeated Champion Julian Cumberbun (Ethan Page). Sonny Sanders was at ringside. Only Stefan Edberg should be allowed to use a racket because it cost Cumberbun the match. Downtown Daddy Brown is the NEW International Commonwealth Television Champion, the IPWF roster made their way to the ring to celebrate with the new champion, and Sonny Sanders was livid. Loser leaves town… Luckily, a New Moon is scheduled on Monday…

To be eNYGMAtic…

We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in France, but The Nygma loves traditions. I loved the Turkey trot one but this episode was so much better… It was funny and so cool, it was all about celebrating the things that made us love wrestling, an era some of us know, and the youngest fans not. When you know how Sami Callihan and Jim Cornette love each other (irony), it was a pure delight to see Sunny Sanders in action. I found incredibly fun to go back to the 80s and use so many musical or cultural references of that decade in this review.
This week episode was not about the famous recipe of action, promos and the cinematic orchestra. It was just about having fun, even being ridiculous, paying tribute to the 80s shows and icons of the past. This episode was a nice breath of air after a series of very good episodes. Next week, we will be in New York City for a new set of episodes, probably the last until Hard To Kill. One thing is sure, we will be back in 2019… On that “Nygma Was 4 a While Ago”, until next week, never EVER forget to stay #eNYGMAtic…

All pics, videos, and screenshots courtesy of Impact Wrestling, Fight Network and AXS TV. Photomontage custom made by @frenchnygma exclusively for @steelchairmag @vulturehoundmag.