Who’s ready for the most random event of the year? Karl Anderson and Doc Gallows have joined forces once again to host what they call the Worst PPV ever from Gallows’ property. We’d see a whole host of indie, Impact Wrestling and NJPW stars clash with one another before getting to the biggest cinematic match of the year, Chad 2 Badd vs Sex Ferguson in a Boneryard Match. It was going to get weird, whacky, and raunchy as Talk N’ Shop Mania made their big PPV debut in style. Let’s get into it.

We started with a pre-recorded opening where Gallows, Anderson, and Rocky Romero explained the process of making this, swore at Gallows for dragging them into it, and warning the audience they should probably be drunk or at least inebriated before watching their PPV. Anderson and Rocky then arrived at Gallows’ palace and had to let Rocky out of his baby seat. They passed Teddy Long on their way to their ring and after Rocky got stuck in the curtain, gave a welcome speech to the non-existent audience in attendance. That cut to a video package for the Boneryard match where Chad 2 Badd was doing his best Karate Kid impersonation and Sex Ferguson channelled his inner Undertaker whilst choking his chicken (a rubber one, get your mind out of the gutter!)

Chico El Luchador won the Social Distancing Battle Royal

Our first match was abruptly cut to as David Penzer announced the social distancing battle royal began with a ring full of wrestlers, including Brian Pillman Jr, who were all wearing masks, ready to grapple. Jake Manning, the Man Scout, interrupted proceedings to bring out Freight Train. He donned a mask and also joined the battle royal. Chavo Guerrero joined commentary and the action got underway. As the wrestlers around him battled with pool noodles, Freight Train eliminated four of the wrestlers in quick succession. He tossed them over the ropes like ragdolls and trash-talked them on the way down. A wrestler called Lazer, who was suspiciously close to ripping off The Hurricane, jumped off the top rope onto everyone eliminated. He eliminated himself and got given a warning for gimmick infringement from “Sting” who looked suspiciously like Anderson. Mike Bennett rushed the ring, pulled his mask up, surveyed the ring around him, and decided to eliminate himself. Pillman eliminated the pool noodle guy and berated Freight Train for not wearing his mask properly. Train eliminated another guy and Pillman went through a dodging exchange with SGT goddamn Hammerlock (Gallows’ words). They both stopped and looked to join forces but both got floored by a double lariat from the Freight Train. Hammerlock was eliminated, leaving Train and Pillman to fight it out. Alex Koslov sauntered to the ring, lit a cigarette, and tried to attack Freight Train. Pillman ran at him but Koslov ducked and nailed him with an enzuigiri. Koslov hit a Cossack dance kick to Pillman’s head and looked to set something else up when his bearded mother rushed the ring and attacked everyone with her handbag. Pillman and Koslov’s mother teamed up to get rid of Freight Train in the most ridiculously nonchalant elimination I may have ever seen. Koslov’s mother then turned on Pillman, eliminated him, and went back to hitting her son with her handbag. She eliminated him and looked to be the winner when Chico El Luchador rushed the ring and hit Koslov’s bearded mother with a Stunner. He won the battle royal, which left Chavo furious. He threatened to shoot kill Chico as he received the Talk N’ Shop 24/7 title for winning. We got a post-interview with Koslov that was interrupted by his mother coming for round two with her handbag. We started off light and got some hilarious antics from a silly little battle royal.

Contract on a Tree: Paul Lee vs Frankie Coverdale ended in No Contest as Rocky got bored

That was followed by Sex Ferguson buying some pills and Penzer announcing the next match, a contract on a tree match. Teddy Long interrupted him to tell him what he just read sucked and the wrestler introduction began. It would be Frankie Coverdale taking on “The Nature Boy” Paul Lee, who pulled up in a Corvette with WOOOO, written on it. He was distracted by someone who he thought was Maria Kanellis dancing but it definitely wasn’t and continued to make the world’s longest entrance. Lee started the match by strutting his stuff and posed on the turnbuckle. They both danced their way out of waist locks and Coverdale made a run for the lake. He didn’t stop running so they cut to a promo break.

The camera then cut to Chico El Luchador cutting a promo on Chavo Guerrero. His promo was cut short as Chavo narrowly missed hitting him with a rifle bullet. He regained his composure and challenged Chavo to a singles match for the belt if the Good Brothers could come up with the money.

We were then brought back to Lee vs Coverdale as Lee had finally caught up. He locked on a headlock and walked Coverdale back to the ring with a chorus of woos. Gallows tried to interview Coverdale as he was in the headlock but wasn’t getting anything coherent. Rocky announced he was bored of this match and demanded the camera cut to something else. Cue…

Hardcore Match: Stump Kowalski defeated George North via Waterslide

Rocky got his wish and the camera cut to a hardcore match between George North and Stump Kowalski. North had a distinct height advantage but Kowalski was armed with a 2×4. The ring was also littered with plunder. North took the time to pose so Kowalski hit him with the 2×4 and sent him out of the ring. Kowalski chased him out and broke the flimsy-looking 2×4 as Gallows and Anderson watched him miss North in slow motion. North took control and punch walked Kowalski around the pool. They brawled past the Rock N’ Roll Express and Paul Lee, who still had Coverdale in a headlock. The camera sped up as they brawled through the house until the pair came across Brian Myers playing with wrestling figures with Gallows’ kids. He ordered one to kick North out and he obliged, sending North flying with a chest kick. Gallows and Anderson ordered a camera cut to something else. We would cut back to this match later as Kowalski won the bout by kicking North down a water slide.

That came as Sex Ferguson was arguing with Scott D’Amore. He wanted more pay and to be a solo star. D’Amore was having none of it so Ferguson threw a beer into the ground and stormed off. He would also be seen later doing a business deal with Karl Anderson. Teddy Long came to the ring and asked Penzer for his money for appearing. He then made a tag match with a Holla Holla Holla and introduced the 80s Russians against the Jungle Kittens. The Russians tanked the Kittens offence and murdered the kittens with a backbreaker and a clothesline. That was that so Long made a second tag match, claiming it was the 90s, not the 80s, and brought out Lodi and Sick Boy (of Raven’s Flock fame) and Ron Reis pretending to be the Yeti as he was wrapped up in toilet paper. Lodi chewed him out and Reis got changed into Flock gear. The 80s Russians impatiently waited as Reis appeared in the proper gear and The Flock headed to the ring. They hit everyone with kendo sticks and Sick Boy dropped one of the Kittens with an F5. They couldn’t savour the beating as D’Lo Brown came to the ring and hit one of the Russians with a Lo-Down. He posed and Rhino came out in full wrestling gear and gored everyone. Then Bryan Pillman Jr came out and took everyone out yet again then hit a pose as someone called Rimjob took to the ring. He stood around and did nothing as everyone was still KO’ed. Chavo Guerrero came out next on Pepe the Toy Horse and hit Rimjob in the head with Pepe then hit a frog splash. Lastly, “Cold Stone” Willie Mack came out, hit everyone with Stunners as Anderson question the logic of all this. Chavo saved Mack with Three Amigos and shared some Talk N Shop beers. Mack then covered the ring in beer hitting Chavo with a Stunner.

Pro Wrestling Tees presents: Swoggle (w/Brian Myers) defeated Rory Fox via Rocket Launcher

Next up was “Rapid Delivery” Rory Fox who was demanding a grudge match with Matt Cardona after a trunk ripping incident cost Fox his career whilst Gallows and Anderson talked about Fox’s dick. Matt Cardona didn’t appear but Brian Myers did to offer him an opportunity in expletive-laden fashion. Myers gave him a match against Swoggle Ryder. It was woo woo woos all round from Swoggle as he stared up to Fox then stomped his foot and gave him a nipple cripple. He then bit Fox’s arse, pissing him off. Swoggle tried to pull Fox’s trunks off but Fox was wise to it and kicked him down. He stomped down Swoggle and threw him into the canvas. Myers distracted Fox and took him down with a lariat.  He then helped Swoggle to the top and after some highly unnoticeable editing, threw Swoggle into Fox with a Rocket Launcher. Swoggle ripped Fox’s trunks off to reveal he was wearing a thong. Fox gave an overdramatic scream and ran off into the woods. This was when we saw the ending to Kowalski/North and found Lee still torturing Coverdale with the headlock in the pool.

We returned to see Chico El Luchador working out after his easy victory early. He asked Rory Fox to help spot him but Chavo shooed him away and tried to choke Chico with the barbell. He fought off Chavo and sent Rory off to fetch a ref. This started an impromptu 24/7 title match. Chavo forced Chico into the sauna and tried to lock him in so he’d sweat to death. Chico was on the gas and broke out of the sauna. We got a padded chair spot and Chavo called his spots as he beat Chico up. They attacked each other with a basketball, shared a moment of mutual respect then Chico dropped Chavo with an inverted atomic drop. Chavo hit an atomic drop and rolled up Chico for the win. He was now 24/7 champion. He ran out into Chad 2 Badd who hit him with the belt and pinned him. He posed with the belt as Anderson made a booker wins the belt comment.

Next out was Nzo. He strolled to the ring, made some obligatory comments then forgot his promo. He claimed he’d lost out on a lot of money because of this show. He then spoiled the main event by claiming Gallows put himself over in the main event. He hyped up some Boneryard match shenanigans and left with a few more money comments. We went back to Lee/Coverdale as they finally approached the contract tree. Coverdale finally reversed the headlock and locked on one of his own but Vernon Love appeared and knocked both guys out. He was about to canoodle with a lady present when Pelvis Wesley and the Honkey Stonk Man attacked him. They all tried to win the affection of the lady present. They argued then Vernon Love hit both with nutcrackers and won the match. He has the Talk N’ Shop contract.

Boneryard Match: Chad 2 Badd defeated Sex Ferguson via Hearse Fall

This was it, the main event. Time for what had been touted as the worst main event of the worst PPV ever. Chad 2 Badd, Sex Ferguson, a beloved team that turned on one another would now face off one final time. Badd made his entrance in a hearse, carried to the ring in a coffin by druids. This would have been epic but the druids dropped the coffin and he fell out. He called out Ferguson and surveyed the scene around him. We saw ladders, dirt, and AJ Style’s arm poking out of a dirt pile. An acoustic guitar player appeared and played Ferguson to the boneryard. Ferguson appeared on an ATV and crashed into the dirt pile. Badd dragged him out of the ATV and the pair brawled around a fire barrel. They fired verbal and physical jabs at each other and kicked away another contender who had Ferguson’s chicken. Ferguson gave Badd a stink face so Badd reversed with a low blow. Badd dragged Ferguson up by his ear and threw him through so drywall. Mike Bennett reappeared to give Ferguson some pills and ran off again. Ferguson hulked up and sent Badd into the dirt mound. Badd kicked back and talked to uncle Alan’s arm that was sticking out. Rory Fox ran through the set in his thong and the pair went back to brawling. They made jokes about winding up punches then Ferguson threw Badd into the hearse. Ferguson then chopped the hearse and complained about how hard it was. Ferguson took another trip into the dirt pile and cried over Uncle Alan’s arm as Badd had a moment of dance with Maria Kanellis (a throwback to a famous NJPW moment.) Ferguson broke this up by whacking Badd with Alan’s arm and Maria stormed off exclaiming she’s a mother now and didn’t need to be here. Myers and Heath set up lawn chairs to watch the match and watched the pair brawl around them. Ferguson looked to deliver the killing blow with Alan’s arm (he called it the handjob) when The Rock and Roll Express interrupted, confused at what the hell the pair were doing then went off to the gimmick table where Nzo wanted to buy their autograph. The druids returned, surrounded the pair, and were easily fought off. Ferguson got sick of this and superkicked Nzo through the gimmick table. The match was paused as the pair pondered the Rock and Roll Express and were confused by Johnny Swinger popping up. He ran down Ferguson then started doing squats as he argued with Badd. Ferguson fell onto Heath so Bad took the chance to kick him in the asshole. The pair started doing karate then Ferguson threw Badd into Myers. Yet more brawling and joking happened until Chavo ran past chasing Chico with a machete and Badd broke a “gravestone” over a man in a Chewbacca match. They fought on top of the hearse where Ferguson got gassed and landed a tombstone on Badd. We got a flashback sequence of a meeting with the Young Bucks about AEW where they made their biggest mistake. They did a piss-take of the Brock/Undertaker pop up spot and Ferguson took a trip off the hearse. Badd then buried Ferguson as Ferguson begged for forgiveness with a babyface turn and a title run. Thus, ends the run of Sex Ferguson buried by his own partner turned enemy after a bunch of bad decisions… or did it? Ferguson went full-on Jason Voorhees in front of a dildo as “to be continued… maybe” flashed up. What a glorious spectacle of silliness to watch.

So, there you have it, Talk N’ Shop A Mania reviewed for your reading pleasure. What can I say about this? It was funny as hell and full of throwback jokes and piss-takes of both new and old school wrestling. It was a nice, light-hearted romp that was over quick and delivered a whole host of laughs. I spent multiple moments in this show dying of laughter and would happily watch a part 2. This was the perfect remedy to COVID blues and for the supposed worst PPV ever, did pretty damn well. Hats off to Gallows, Anderson, Rocky Romero, and everyone else involved for making this riotous show.

All images courtesy of FITE TV Twitter, Talk N Shop Twitter, Ricky Morton Twitter, Ultraliger Twitter, Matt Cardona Twitter, Sean Ross Sapp Twitter

Leave a Reply