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What a Load of Bollocks – Talk N’ Shop A Mania 2 – “Rise of the Torturer” Review

ByJohn Dinsdale

Nov 15, 2020 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

WARNING RATED R FOR RIDICULOUS (AND STRONG LANGUAGE)

Well, whoever thought we’d have another edition of this ridiculousness? Doc Gallows, Karl Anderson, and Rocky Romero were back to plan, participate in and deliver a whole host of horrific wrestling, cinematic silliness, and an absolutely batshit Ball for a Ball match as we stay fearful of the dastardly Cock Torturer. Alongside that, there would be cameos from some of the biggest stars of Impact Wrestling, the indies, AEW, and the funny pages of wrestling in ways you’d have never thought you’d see them. This was going to get weirder than the first, let’s get into it and see what horrors await my eyes this time. Oh, and please remember this is no ordinary event so this will be no ordinary review.

We started with an animated opening where Doc Gallows and Rocky were settling in to enjoy a show from Anderson’s hot Asian wife when Anderson changed the channel for Talk N’ Shop A Mania 2. Clint Bobski (totally not Chris Jericho) came into frame to announce all of the upcoming action then suffer a mental breakdown over how awful it was to work for TNS. He demanded a premium Uber out of here after his profanity-laden rant. Karl Anderson pulled in next and was annoyed to find that it was the same set with the same ring and parking spot left by Paul Lee. That was followed by Rocky Romero pulling into the set in a tiny hot-wheel Jeep. He was furious that that was his rental vehicle. Gallows appeared as a hologram and told the pair he was far too busy counting royalty checks to come outside. They got even more of a shock as Vernon Love and the not Maria Kanellis from the last show were still making out under the ring. Anderson and Rocky pushed into Gallows’ house and found him in bed with a mannequin named Randall, a shotgun, and his wife who was very attached to Randall. He welcomed everyone to the show and shook off any disappointment that Anderson and Rocky were showing him.

Next was a cut to earlier in the day. Sex Ferguson was drunk driving with his ball coach when all of a sudden, they were attacked by the most horrifying faction in wrestling, Retripooption. He told the coach to run and tried to fight off the shitty faction but was overpowered by the numbers and hoofed in the balls by the leader. He cried on the lawn, cradling his booted balls, and cursed Chad 2 Badd for being responsible. It was later revealed later on that they genuinely were Chad 2 Badd’s faction to stop Ferguson from relying on his family. With that, they Segwayed to the commentary table where Rocky and Anderson were ready to call some action alongside a CGI hologram of Gallows, who once again was being too poncy to come outside. It was time for our first match…

Swoggle & Brian Myers defeated Rory Fox & Rimjob via Bad-Cut Rocket Launcher to Rimjob

David Penzer was out to introduce the first match when he was cut off by Rory Fox. He came out with a new swagger and a new attitude to claim that his package had saved the last TNS and that he was no longer ashamed to be naked. At least that’s what could be made out as Anderson and Rocky talked about trying to get sponsors and insulted him. He was about to strip when Brian Myers and Swoggle appeared again. Myers ran down Fox again and told him that Swoggle was here to beat him up again. Fox had a surprise for the pair, he was going to give them a Rimjob. By that I mean he had Rimjob from the last show ready to fight in a thong. It was not pretty. We had ourselves a Teddy Long special, a tag team match. Swoggle took care of Rimjob with a ball shot and Myers hit Fox with the Matt Cardona comeback. Myers missed the Broski boot and both tagged out. Swoggle and Rimjob charged then Rimjob got tripped into the corner for a ballsack superkick and a hip attack. Fox attacked Swoggle so Myers threw him into the ropes for a clothesline. Through the power of editing, we didn’t know that was a second take but Anderson made sure to tell everyone Fox had fallen through the ropes and landed on his face. They dragged Rimjob to the splash zone for the world’s worst edited Rocket Launcher. Fox was so pissed off he slammed Rimjob with a naked belly to belly then ran a lap to get a dog lead and made Rimjob his pet. They ran into the woods as Rimjob got whipped. I’m not sure what else to say… it was definitely wrestling.  After that erm… action? We cut to Rocky who was interviewing Lazer for the upcoming Roll Undershed match. He was interrupted by wrestling detective Gregory Helms and he was here to investigate a murder. The body of which, was right at their feet.

Freight Train defeated Frankie Coverdale via Train Wreck

That led into what was meant to be a Frankie Coverdale grudge match, but it was interrupted by Ball Lameman (who is in no way Jake Manning doing an impression of Paul Heyman.) He made the very nasally announcement that he’d become the advocate to the most unstoppable force in wrestling, Freight Train! He cut a less than menacing promo and knocked down Coverdale with very minimalist strikes. He threw some “vicious” chops and no sold Coverdale’s offence to kill him off with more “stiff” punches. Coverdale ran into the corner to sell a lazy whip and took a very “nasty” splash. He then told Coverdale very damn audibly to get into position for the Train Wreck. This led to the world’s wonkiest running elbow finish I’ve ever seen. Funnily enough, a train wreck is how you could have described this match. Even Gallows, Anderson, and Rocky couldn’t keep it together for this one. Oh, man, was this going horribly? Detective Helms was still on the case and was interrogating Hunter ref over his animal killing habits. He was cut off by a very horribly edited promo package between Chavo Guerrero Jr and Chico El Luchador as they set up for a Lucha Team Deathmatch that would be to the literal death for family honour. The Helms files continued as he approached Madman Fulton and Sami Callihan who were enjoying beers by the pool and holding hands, a point they made clear to Helms. They knew nothing about no murders. He was monitoring their chugging habits when suddenly a gunshot rang out and both were dead.

Tommy Dreamer wins Roll Undershed with a pinfall on a sleeping Justin Credible

After that nightmarish scene, we cut to Teddy Long questioning his life choices and welcomed people to Roll Undershed. This was fighting on a mat as a crowd of wrestlers hollered and cheered around them. Kind of like one of those dance battles but with real fighting. Vernon love started things and got beaten down by a whole manner of garden furniture by his son in a ninja costume. Love answered back by no-selling nut shots and choked his son out with his scarf. His son kicked him in the cock (a rubber chicken he was holding, get your mind out of the gutter) and Bryce Cannon took over for him. The action kept switching as no-name wrestlers kept hitting each other with weapons and nut-shots until the Russians just started beating down everyone. Vernon Love tried to cock slap one of the Russians, but it was no sold, and he was hit by a cable dish. The action spilled to the woods where we got the world’s slowest trashcan lid shot and Lazer jumped on everyone from out of a tree. Teddy Long took the time to remind everyone that this was shit and that he was only here for the payday then the action continued. Lazer looked to be winning this when Rhino ran in and gored him out of his boots. He delivered a second Gore to one of the no-name guys and a third to Ronnie. Then Tommy Dreamer came out of nowhere and attacked Rhino with a cookie tray and Justin Credible appeared with a chair. We had ourselves an ECW originals standoff. They were tired of doing the hardcore shit and decided they were going to go softcore and beat each other up with stuffed animals. They hit each other with beach balls as the crowd went mild. Justin Credible needed a nap so Dreamer sanitised his hands and pinned him to win Roll Undershed. He couldn’t celebrate though, as he was attacked by Scott D’Amore in a Lucha costume. Everyone begged him for a job and he walked off furious.

We went back to Detective Helms who approached a lady that knew nothing of the murders and got pointed towards Reptila, a masked man with a dragon style mask. Helms made the connection between cold-blooded reptiles and murder but didn’t press any further as the man gave him the creeps. After that, it was time for the Nature Boy Paul Lee! He made the long drive in a bright pink Hummersine and he hadn’t come alone, he had Knox-tista, Nathan Orton, and Triple Huh. They made a slow walk up the drive to the ring as a very bad cover of the Evolution theme played. Triple Huh walked off and got lost in the woods. He stumbled upon Mark Jindrak and chided him for being a dipshit then tried to hit him with his sledgehammer. Jindrak caught the shot, and warned him in Spanish about a dropkick… then dropkick Triple Huh so hard it caused a camera cut.

Pro Wrestling Tees Presents: George North defeated Paul Lee (w/ Nathan Orton & Knox-Tista) via Stump Kowalski Weapon Spot

Lee finally made it back to the ring and alongside his Circumcision teammates, swaggered his way to the ring for his Pro Wrestling Tees sponsored match with George North. Knox-Tista fell getting into the ring and Nathan Orton was very confused as Lee fought with his robe. Lee faked out North for some styling and profiling, then locked in the very long headlock. North broke free and sent Lee to the outside with an awful parody of the cactus clothesline. Lee fell over staggering to his stablemates and got back into the ring to swing North’s face into the turnbuckle. He tried for a very obvious dirty pin and dropped North on his head with a Backdrop Suplex. Lee showed some impressive agility then got thrown off the top rope. North hit the world’s strongest slam then missed a very obvious elbow. Lee locked in the Figure Four when Stump Kowalski rushed the ring with a chair. That changed to a barbed-wire bat and monkey wrench through the power of editing and brought it down over Lee. North pinned Lee and took the win. Circumcision were pissed and took Lee out with a Knox-Tista Bomb and the world’s wimpiest Punt Kick. After that, Helms was back for another round of interrogations. This time it was with ball-deep Billy, who was more interested in his phone than Helms. He explained Tinder to Helms who forgot about his murder investigation. Billy left Helms with his phone and vanished. He rushed to the gimmick table to question Citizen Hoot, aka Robert Gibson who was missing Ricky Morton.

Lucha Deathmatch: Team Chico El Luchador defeated Team Chavo Guerrero via Taylor Williamson and his lightsabre.

We then cut to a secondary location for the Lucha Deathmatch bloodbath between team Chavo Guerrero and Team Chico El Luchador. Chris Van Vliet presented where they were, some shitty warehouse in LA, and we went to the team picking process. Chavo got the first pick and selected a tall man with an afro and chainsaw called Watts, Koslov’s mother, Taya Valkyrie. Chico picked Alex Koslov who just casually had a gun, Zocray, and a special partner JTG. Chavo countered this by picking the referee and Chico picked a zombie. They both made one final pick as Chavo took Sin the clown and Chico was saved by the appearance of comedian Taylor Williamson. The bell rang and everyone backed off. JTG and Sin fought over to a workbench where JTG hit Sin with a tyre hub and Sin made him eat some kind of towel and stole JTG’s shorts with a magic trick. JTG cracked him in the head with a motorcycle helmet and beat him to death before stepping on his balls on the way out. The ref showed off a whole host of Lucha Libre skills as Taya grappled with the zombie. The Zombie killed the ref by biting him and Taya killed Zocray by breaking his neck then ripped his spine out for good measure. Koslov threw Taya into a post then fought with his mother over excessive childhood trauma. Koslov took a spanking then killed his mum off by jabbing his thumb where no thumb should go. The zombie and Koslov got into an argument over COVID regulations then tried to kill him off with an AK-47 but the zombie bit him. Koslov shot the zombie in the head then Williamson almost got killed by Watts for laughing at him hurting himself when Chico made the save with some rebar to the back. We were about to have the big showdown between Chico and Chavo but Chavo started coughing. Everyone freaked out, but it was just a wrong pipe situation. Williamson fled because he thought Chavo had COVID. They brawled around the warehouse using a bevvy of dirty tricks then Team Chavo circled in on Chico. JTG made the save by blowing up Taya with a literal rocker launcher then got stabbed in the neck by Chavo.

Chico got knocked unconscious by Chavo hitting him with a crowbar and woke up in the Talk N Shop animated universe. He was being berated by Nzo, Gallows, and Anderson for holding them up. Gallows attributed this to stage fright and told him to imagine them all naked. Chico did that and instantly regretted his decision. It turns out he’d just eaten all the cocaine brownies. Nzo scared off Chico by putting on a clown mask that Gallows so eloquently put, made it look like Ronald Macdonald had fucked a pineapple. They were trying to prepare for the main but got held up by Clint Bobski complaining about his uber and Nzo’s appearance. They made it to the warehouse and questioned everything about the match they were prepping for as they stared at a dildo on a jackhammer. Gallows told them to just ignore it. Nzo had it for a weapon and they got ready for a war when all of a sudden, Chico was hit in the head by a cartoon crowbar and brought back to reality. Chavo was about to kill him when Williamson reappeared and actually killed Chavo with a lightsabre he’d gotten off Amazon. The rest of the fighters in the match came back and chided Williamson for not knowing it’s a work. Chris Van Vliet closed out the section with a cautionary tale about being a mark and we went back to Gallows’ house.

On return to set, we learned Detective Helms had solved the murder. He stumbled upon a barbershop window and questioned Air Paris. Helms accidentally mocked him for being fired and they both lamented the fall of WCW. Air Paris walked off as someone who looked like Marty Janetty threw Helms through the barbershop window.

Ball for a Ball Match: The Cock Torturer (and the CWO) defeated Chad 2 Badd & Sex Ferguson via Scott Steiner induced Existential Crisis   

Before the match, we got a montage of training for the ball for a ball match and a very detailed backstory of the villainous Fiend, The Cock Torturer. Starting with footage outside the Tokyo Dome in 2015 to the modern day where he left his warning for 2 Badd and Ferguson before cutting away in a hail of stock spooky shots. 2 Badd came to the ring in the hearse he used to beat Ferguson last time and he wanted to make a proper casket entrance and instructed the minions to go slow. They didn’t and 2 Badd was dumped in the road. Josh Morningstar played Ferguson to the ring and he drunk drove down alongside his Uncle Bobby and another family when Retripooption attacked again. They were going to get out and fight but were too fat to leave. Fergurson’s family were swarmed so only he was left to take them all out. They took the piss out of the Retribution gimmick for a couple more minutes then stopped the match for a cheap plug of the bourbon.

They started with a brawl around the yard and Ferguson tried to hold 2 Badd in place so that Mordecai could impale him with his cross. He missed and stabbed himself in the balls. That was casualty number one. 2 Badd got his revenge by pulling a claw out of his attire and clamping it on Ferguson’s balls. They waited for the props guys to bring out the stairs and made lewd small talk. 2 Badd ripped away the claw and Triple Huh stumbled onto the set. He hammered Ferguson in the balls with his sledgehammer and gave 2 Badd a too-sweet. He then ripped Ferguson’s tongue out with the claw and tanked a Ferguson come back to kick him in the dick again. Ferguson fell back into a sex-swing, and Sick Nick Mondo came out to cut his nuts off with a garden strimmer, but Rocky stopped them because they did not have the insurance for this. Everyone was disappointed by this and things got worse when both were mocked by Gallows’ wife and Annie Cruz, who even made a comment about how much the sex swing sucks. 2 Badd continued to kick the trapped Ferguson in the balls as he was pissed off that Ferguson had hidden knowing Cruz from him. 2 Badd commented about being the coolest in the world when Gangrel burst through the entranceway and got pissed off at his lacklustre entrance. He spat acidic blood at 2 Badd’s balls and walked off laughing. Ferguson finally got some revenge and stuck a giant clothes-peg on 2 Bads balls and hammered it off with a wrench. Ferguson made him ride the pony and the pair fought around a dildo. Ferguson hit a massive wind-up punch and tased 2 Badd in the balls.

2 Badd hit him in the head with the dildo and roped his balls to a truck. Nathan Orton came back to tell them both that he’d finally cum and the “it’s still real to me” damnit fan came out crying at this ridiculousness. The truck started off and 2 Badd threatened to eat Ferguson’s dick. The truck stalled because it hit Vernon Love’s girl so he came out and cried. They downed each other with more ball shots and were attacked by the zombified bodies of Sami Callihan, Madman Fulton, and Alex Koslov. The Karate Man, Ethan Page made the save, felling the zombies then hit both men in the dick with karate fists. He’d been sent to do the bidding of the Cock Torturer so of course, that was going to happen. He beckoned for more torture and Wolfpack Stang appeared to hit both in the balls with a barbed-wire bat. He called for even more torture so Mr. Hughes came out and stood on 2 Badd. He called for even more powerful torture so another old WCW team came out and ripped both guy’s dicks off. As if things couldn’t get any worse, Scott Steiner came out and ran both guys and their wives down that spat on them both, and walked off insulting the PPV. They both gave up, realising he had a good point and the Cock Torturer was declared the winner.

The show cut to a CWO meeting where everyone who had attacked was present and Virgil, who was trying to enjoy breadsticks. Scott D’Amore wanted to book himself on top then Steiner broke out the Steiner math on the Cock Torturer. The Cock Torturer got Annie Cruz to pass him a defaced version of the 24/7 title and celebrated as the Cock Torture World Order had arisen on the deadliest of nights, Friday the 13th. Everyone evil laughed and we got a to be continued screen and credits.

Fucking hell, what did I just watch? Wow, this show was a riot. Like, I want to give them the railing I know they want. It was bloody ridiculous fun with a whole host of moments that actually made me break out in laughter. They have a third one, The Return of the Mark, prepared for some time and I dread to think how they’re going to make it even worse. This one was a nightmare to review because, as you can see, there was so much random violence, murder, cameos, and so much more. This is ridiculously fun to watch and for under two hours, you can’t go wrong. Well, you can, that was a whole load of bollocks, 2 Badd and Ferguson’s bollocks, being tortured by a man who seemed like a mix of the Fiend and Cobra Commander. That was one hell of an experience.

All images, gifs courtesy of FITE TV, Lucha Libre Online, WrestlingCovers Twitter, Taya Valkyrie Twitter, COLLARxELBOW, 

By John Dinsdale

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