STRONG VIOLENCE AND LANGUAGE AHEAD
Welcome back to the Hardcore Hustle Organisation. In his interview all those months ago, Matt Tremont hinted this tournament was in the works, now his efforts had come to fruition. Heir to Thy Throne, 12 H2O rising stars, 12 hardcore veterans, 1 place up for grabs in Hardcore Kingdom V. Now let’s make them all fight in a two-round single-elimination tournament. Alongside that, we’d see The Extricated battle the Dignified Administration, Low Life Louie vs Drew Blood and more. Not to mention something sinister was lurking in the wings. Let’s get into the action!
Tournament Round 1 Full Metal Airstrike: GG Everson (w/Stockade) defeated Ryan Redfield (w/Lowlife Louie) & Rocket (w/Frankie Pickard) via Rolling Chair DVD to Redfield
So, before this match even got announced, Rocket had downed both of these guys during the big photo op opening with a crossbody as Everson and Redfield got into a fight. It’s only apt that Rocket be in a match about Airstrikes but could he best the powerhouses, Everson and Redfield, when that bell rung? He played the pair against each other in the corner and hit a massive flipping kick as Redfield clotheslined him into a roll-up on Everson. Redfield and Rocket ran the ropes as Everson struggled with the plunder. Redfield dragged Rocket down with a flapjack but Everson rammed a chair into his guts. He swung the chair at Rocket too but Rocket caught it and threw it back, kicking it into his face on impact. Rocket took to the air again but Everson caught him into a DVD. Rocket flipped off him but Everson caught him for a second time into a spinebuster. Redfield saved the match with a dropkick and a hockey fight broke out. Redfield took out Everson and a second hockey fight broke out with Rocket. He climbed to the top and dived onto the brawling pair of Redfield and Everson again. Redfield didn’t need weapons as his hands were deadly enough, KO’ing Rocket again. He hit the Louie Leg Drop and climbed to the top for a Frog Splash. Everson broke up the pin and tried to attack Redfield with a chair but Redfield dodged and nailed a rolling clothesline. Stockade interfered, prompting a mentor argument and Everson pie-faced Redfield with a chair. He threw Rocket onto the mentors and ended the match with a rolling DVD onto the chair. GG Everson is the first tournament finalist after a frantic brawl.
Tournament Round 1 Inside the Park Home Run: Decklan Grant (w/Devon Moore) defeated Reid Walker (w/Conor Claxton) & Kristian Ross (w/Chuck Payne) via Barbed-Wire Bat to the head to Ross
Up next was the scrappy Decklan Grant taking on the smooth and athletic Reid Walker taking on the monster Kristian Ross. Once again, the mentors matched the stars so we were in for one hell of a fight. Ross started by launching people and took out both opponents with a double clothesline. He continued to deck his opponents looking entirely unstoppable, even catching bat shots and putting his opponents on their asses again. He beat both down like a deranged gladiator with a double-ended bat and tried to go for a Stalling Suplex on Walker but Grant chopped his leg out. He tried to brawl but Ross chopped him right back down, bitchslapping him repeatedly with the bat. Walker and Grant double-teamed Ross out of the ring and slugged it out. Grant threw Walker into a dive on Ross but Ross caught it and smashed him off the ring post, then just for added insult smashed Grant out of one with a trashcan lid. Walker sent Ross flying with a Hurricanrana after escaping a double chokeslam and dropped Grant with a trio of different suplexes. Ross killed him with a spear and black hole slam. Grant was handed a barbed-wire bat and cracked it into Ross’s head for the win. This wasn’t a fair fight, Grant had to use all of his survival skills and cunning here to deal with the rampaging bull that was Kristian Ross. It was a fun showcase for Ross though, who is going to be a H2O monster sooner or later.
Tournament Round 1 Don’t Break Anything in the Kitchen: Anthraxx (w/Mitch Vallen) defeated Alex Stretch (w/Jimmy Lyon) & Chris Bradley (w/Jeff Cannonball) via Trashcan Crushing Belly to Belly on both
The third fight of the night and we were going to the kitchen for our plunder choices. It would be Anthraxx against the madman Alex Stretch and the brawler Chris Bradley with Mitch Vallen, Jimmy Lyon and Jeff Cannonball watching their proteges at work. Stretch came prepared as he had a fucking gusset hammer with him and a chair of carpet-strips. Being paired with Lyon had made him even crazier. Despite having the nice mentor, Bradley tried to be a dick so his opponents both turned on him. He took both out with a double spear and threw both men with suplexes. Stretch tried to get the carpet-strip chair involved but Grant dumped him on it and crossbodied him through it. The assault on Stretch continued with a pizza cutter in the ropes as Cannonball enjoyed a soda next to it. However, Cannonball’s nonchalant attitude got Bradley stabbed in the head with a BBQ fork. Anthraxx was in charge now and tried to continue bullying Stretch but Stretch fired back with a jawbreaker and DDT. Stretch only got two so he threw in an entire children’s play kitchen and smashed Anthraxx with a stop sign. He choked out Anthraxx with tongs and used the stop sign for some slingshot offence. Bradley tried to get back into the match but got knocked out again and Anthraxx launched Stretch into the kitchen with an Exploder. He tripped Bradley into the same playset and crushed a fork board into him in the corner. Bradley got some revenge by crushing Antraxxx’s head in a microwave but Stretch kicked it onto him and sent Bradley sprawling to the floor. He went haywire with a trashcan and battled with Anthraxx over the gusset hammer. Both men crashed to the floor after an apron clothesline didn’t play out. Bradley took out Stretch and Lyon with a cannonball and speared Stretch in-ring, then put him in a trashcan and brought the gusset hammer down. Bradley looked set to win but Cannonball wanted to do a soda review. He caved to peer pressure and gave the review but Anthraxx attacked from behind crushed Stretch in the trashcan with a belly to belly on Bradley and pinned both for the win. Cannonball cost his protégé the win and Anthraxx picked the ultimate time to shine in the most manic H2O match of 2021 so far.
Tournament Round 1 You’re Gonna Get Your F’N Head Kicked Off: Marcus Mathers (w/G-Raver) defeated Dyln McKay (w/Drew Blood) & Austin Luke (w/Brandon Kirk) via Flipping Tack DDT
The final first-round match went to The Kidz. Austin Luke, Marcus Mathers and Dyln McKay were about to kick each other’s heads in for the final spot in the tournament final. With G-Raver, Drew Blood and Brandon Kirk mentoring, this was anyone’s match to win. Friendships would have to be put aside here for one to come away the winner. Oh, and everyone was wearing thumbtack covered kick pads. The action started fast with forearms everywhere and Kirk getting taken out early with an apron PK and Raver getting taken out by a McKay dive. Mathers double-stomped Luke and kept things equal by kicking away Blood. The mentors were down and the Kidz were fighting. Mathers put on a thumbtack jacket and dived onto everyone with a diving cannonball and tacked everyone. The kick pads came into play as Luke peppered Mathers with Kawada kicks and McKay booted a chair into Luke’s face. McKay tried for an Assault Driver on the chair but Mathers reversed it into a Poisonrana. The mentors had a scrap so Raver took them out with another dive and a three-way punch fest broke out. Luke got tack-kicked to the thighs, back and chest and McKay snapped Mathers with an Ushigoroshi and tack-double knees to the back. Luke gave McKay a tack-knee into the back and Mathers hung Luke in the ropes for more kicks and a tack-backstabber. He locked Luke in a Bow and Arrow but McKay broke it up with a Lionsault and ate a kip-up Cutter for his troubles. He nearly won with a Code Red but Luke rescued the match with more horrible kicks. A slugfest broke out and the mentors gave their students a bag of tacks, except Blood who hadn’t got the memo. McKay tried to be the voice of reason but Mathers and Luke superkicked him onto Blood. A tack pile was made in the middle of the ring and everyone danced around the tacks. Luke and Mathers double-team Bombed McKay onto the tacks and Mathers no-sold a Dragon Suplex to deliver a Driver onto the tacks. McKay KO’ed Luke with the shooting star knees but landed in the tacks and Mathers took advantage with a tack curb stomp and ended it with a flipping DDT into the tacks. This fucking rocked. The stipulation was painful as hell and all three took some serious damage here. Hats off all round, this was a banger.
Staple-Gun Match: Lowlife Louie defeated Drew Blood via Big Elbow Drop
Time for some non-tournament action as everyone involved gets some recovery time. It was time for the mentors to fight as Lowlife Louie and Drew Blood went to war in a staple-gun showdown. These two started by throwing fists and wrestling before downing each other with a double clothesline. The fight broke outside and Blood started stapling Louie’s forehead. Louie crawled back into the ring and Blood went after him with a gimmick bat, cracking him in the arms and the balls. Louie snatched the bat off of Blood and introduced it to his body, then brought him crashing down with a bat-assisted Russian Leg Sweep. He brought the bat down on Blood’s back and gave him a stapling. Blood came back by hitting Louie with what looked like a Commodore and DDT’ed him onto it. Louie crotched Blood on the top and duel-wielded staple-guns to unleash a barrage of staples to Blood’s balls to the turnbuckle. Louie ripped him free and dumped him with a DVD. Louie was collecting money when Blood hit a nutcracker and turned Louie into a money tree, stapling dollar after dollar to him. Louie hulked up but missed the big leg and took a running knee for his troubles. Blood hit a Frog Splash but Louie bucked him off. He set up a knife board and went for the kill with more staples but Louie hit low again and stapled the dick again. He put Blood through the board with a DVD and ended the match with a big elbow drop. This was a fun little plunder fight with Louie showing how many staples the human body can withstand. It was good fun and a nice slice of semi-comedic violence to cleanse the palette.
The Extricated (Bam Sullivan, Mouse & Aiden Baal) defeated The Dignified Administration (Edward Hawkins, Nicholas Grande & Miss Blakely) via Tiger Driver on Grande
As much as I love seeing the Extricated fight each other, it’s always nice to see them all teamed up. They were in some non-tournament action against the Dignified Administration. Could Hawkins and his band of board-approved stars beat one of H2O’s top factions? The Administration attacked from behind like pussies and quickly ran away when the Extricated returned charge. Sullivan dived on their board meeting and the Extricated beat down Hawkins. Baal unleashed his power on him whilst Mouse scratched and clawed at his face before unleashing a corner assault with athletic shoulder blocks. Sullivan returned and chopped Hawkins through his shirt and got caught by the numbers from the Administration as Blakely dropped him across the ropes. From here it became a 3 on 1 beatdown on Sullivan as their butler gloated on the outside after putting him in that situation. Nicholas Grande made it even worse by pulling at Sullivan’s ears and moustache. The administration got too complacent and Sullivan elbowed free of their corner and took out Grande with a Swanton. He made the hot tag to Mouse who went for a dive and bit the butler when he tried to be a human shield. Grande took advantage of the distraction and the Administration hit Mouse with an Atomic Drop combo. Blakely continued to choke out Mouse and brought in Hawkins who was tricked into KO’ing Grande. The Administration recovered and continued the breakdown of Mouse but couldn’t keep him down for a pin. Blakely gave Mouse an escape by missing a Swanton and he tagged in Aiden Baal, who went on a rampage. He struck and threw about Administration members like they were nothing but again, the Administration kept finding ways to survive, nearly scoring the win with a Backdrop neckbreaker on Sullivan. Mouse attacked the butler, causing a distraction and Baal murdered Grande with a Tiger Driver for the win. The Administration had given the Extricated a fight but they could extinguish the chaotic energy of Sullivan and his gang and it cost them the win. After the match, Baal issued a challenge to Chuck Payne and guess what, on March 20th, he now has a title match.
Leroy Robinson defeated Kit Osbourne via Roll-up
Up next was everyone’s “favourite” Kit Osbourne taking on Leroy Robinson. Robinson seemed ready for a fight and had the fans on his side plus, he already had my favour coming out to Babymetal. Osbourne wasn’t happy and started with slaps and a sleeper but Robinson had too much energy. Osbourne tried to snuff that out with chops and face raking, but the ref dragged him away, and Robinson used this as a chance to strike back. He beat Osbourne between the buckles but Osbourne found an equaliser in an eye rake. He hit a sliding faceplant and beat Robinson around the outside. Robinson launched him into a ring post but Osbourne forearmed him out of a springboard and headbutted him back to the floor for a baseball slide. Back in-ring, Osbourne continued to work over Robinson, but it wasn’t working and he kept finding comebacks to Osbourne’s assault, launching Osbourne with an exploder. However, Osbourne quickly answered back with a Sleeper Suplex and a brutal superkick. Osbourne continued the slow methodical beatdown and raked his back to show the Kit has claws. Robinson chopped back again but Osbourne had him on the mat with a lariat to the back of the head. He locked on a Crossface but Robinson made the ropes and nearly decapitated him with a kick. He kicked out and threw Robinson into the turnbuckle but couldn’t capitalise as both got downed on a double clothesline. Ref Papagiorgio got bored and left the match so Mike Keener rushed the ring as the pair chopped it out. Osbourne tried for a submission but Robinson rolled him up and broke the hold. Robinson tried another quick roll-up and scored the win. This was pretty great fun. Osbourne was in top form and really gave Robinson a fight before falling victim to a roll-up. I don’t know too much about Robinson but he has a ton of fight in him. As you can imagine, Osbourne didn’t take it well and ended the segment beating the shit out of Robinson.
Tournament Final Knocking on Heaven’s Door: Decklan Grant (w/Devon Moore) defeated Anthraxx (w/Mitch Vallen) Marcus Mathers (w/G-Raver) & GG Everson (w/Stockade) via Baseball Bat Choke on Everson
Last but not least, the main event. A fatal four-way final of survivors from the opening round matches. Many had taken hard knocks and serious lumps in their first-round fights. Who was going to rise up and take it all now? The monstrous powerhouse GG Everson? The Grimy Bastard Decklan Grant? The vicious Anthraxx or the scrappy Marcus Mathers? The Mentors had left and a four-way punch-out started the match. Anthraxx and Everson teamed up on Mathers and Grant and quickly disintegrated this alliance as Everson mauled Anthraxx when his back was turned. Mathers and Grant took out Everson with double dropkicks and Mathers pulled the same trick by superkicking Grant. He dived onto Everson and Anthraxx smashed down Grant with a cookie sheet. Mathers used a chair on Everson and set up a door as Anthraxx continued to introduce the cookie sheet to Grant. Mathers met the ring-post as Grant met a belly to belly and the two monsters of the match collided in the ring. Everson drilled Anthraxx with an STO and hit him with a low crossbody. A Samoan Drop followed and Mathers broke that pin with a double stomp. He tried for a crossbody on Everson but he was caught and launched with a Fallaway Slam. Mathers was thrown like a ragdoll but he kicked back hard and knocked Everson down with a head kick.
He got into a cookie sheet vs trashcan lid fight with Grant and devolved into a pure murderous forearm and chop frenzy. He gave Everson the same fuck you treatment with a stunner, strikes and a murderous boot. Anthraxx wasn’t to be forgotten and kicked Grant in the head and hit him with the lid. Anthraxx launched Grant with a Suplex and elbowed away at him before crushing him with a low corner crossbody. Anthraxx and Mathers slugged it out and countered around each other until Mathers dragged Anthraxx towards the door. Grant knocked both off the apron onto the door and Everson put Grant through a door with a twisting DVD. Everson grabbed another door and smashed the trashcan lid into Grant’s head again. Grant climbed onto Everson’s back and choked him out but Everson drove both through the door. Stockade came back to help ,but Devon Moore sent him packing and the rest of the mentors beat him down outside. Grant grabbed a bat that had been left behind and wrapped the choke on again, using the bat for leverage and Everson tapped. Decklan Grant had won Heir to Thy Throne after a massive four-way fight. It might not have been the most violent fight of the night but it still fucking rocked and the Grimy Bastards got to deliver a massive fuck you to Stockade.
Alas, the celebrations ended quickly as 44OH! carried out their threat to pay H2O a visit since they hadn’t been invited to this party. The students tried to show respect to Grant in a massive victory pose but the green Ohio goons ruined it. The garage door came up, and Rickey Shane Page ran off with Tremont’s dog as Eric Ryan and Bobby Beverly held up the door. A large force gave chase whilst some students stayed behind. They tried to fight off the invaders but chairs downed them and tied up Alex Stretch. RSP re-emerged with a barbed-wire chair and all of the 44OH members present hit him with chairs. RSP stood tall as he ground the barbed-wire chair into the back of Stretch until Matt Tremont himself appeared. Once again, the H2O locker room chased them off but this attack had definitely rattled Tremont and ended an amazing tournament on a bitter note. There will be blood in H2O and I’m not sure which side will spill the most.
All images courtesy of H2O Twitter, Earl Gardner Photography