WARNING: STRONG VIOLENCE AND LANGUAGE AHEAD

Time for something new and different. Twitter is an excellent tool for promotion amongst trolls and stupidity. This is where Kumite Combat Wrestling caught my eye. A new UK-based wrestling company opening up with a no-ring deathmatch match triple-threat to crown a Death Wolf champion. They chose three maniacs to start their company with a bang as the contenders for that title were Big F’N Joe, one of the kingpins of the UK Deathmatch scene, Dannie Darko, the Blood Light God (because Bud Light seems to no longer be his thing) and King Freak Alton Thorne. This was going to get fucking mental.

Death Wolf Title No Ring 3-way Deathmatch: Big F’N Joe defeated Alton Thorne & Danny Darko via Fuckery Frame DVD to Thorne

Here we fucking go, death had come to Derby and the local Popworld was about to become a playground for bloody carnage. Three sadistic fighters had been let loose on the pit with a whole lot of fuckery and the chance to make history as the inaugural Death Wolf Title. Time to see who walked away champion and how much was left of them. Oh, this was Big F’N Joe’s second deathmatch of the night too because he’s a mad bastard. The audience closed in and we began the fight in a mosh pit. Joe and Darko went right at each other as Thorne looked on and tried to get involved. They ignore him so he stormed off and attacked both with a kendo stick. He got their attention and took dual beatings from kendo sticks, Joe stomping one right into his balls. Joe disappeared off-screen and Darko kept pummelling Thorne with the stick and his boots. He went for an early pin so Joe attacked both with nun-chucks and a baking tray duel broke out. Joe brought out the tubes and smashed some on both fighters, giving Thorne the carving treatment. He did the same to Darko and trapped Thorne in a shopping trolley with more tubes. The crowd had to bail as Joe sent the trolley and Thorne flying into a guardrail, giving Thorne another fuckery low blow. Things went from bad to worse for Thorne as Joe glassed up his hand and Darko beat him with a keyboard. Joe and Darko kicked the shit out of each other and Thorne was finally freed from his prison. Thorne slugged at Joe with the keyboard and Darko nailed him with a pinned-up hockey stick. Joe chased Thorne into the crowd and bust him open further with a bundle to the head and another round of carving. He forced Thorne to take a seat and smashed Darko off the shopping trolley so he wouldn’t get in the way of a tube-breaking cannonball to the seated Thorne. Joe was on a fucking roll and tried to go for a pin but Darko pelted him with a tray and stabbed him up with skewers.

Those skewers were driven in further with a leg drop and Thorne returned to action by braining Darko repeatedly with a chair. Just as he’d picked the skewers out of his head, Joe found himself getting more head trauma as Thorne came after him with a cheese grater. Darko let this play out, then slammed Thorne across the shopping trolley. Darko and Joe teamed up again to smash Thorne in the head with tubes and a tack bat, then tried to do more damage but Thorne woke up and smacked Darko in the midsection with the bat. Joe made his way back through the crowd with tube ladders and tried to get Darko to help him sandwich Throne with them. Thorne dodged and both guys ran the glass into each other. More fuckery was set up as Thorne and Darko battled over a door. Thorne felt the wrath of the invincible tube cube and put Darko through the door with a Chokeslam. He took a second to the grandstand and got pelted in the back with the tube cube. Joe would not be forgotten and ended things with a DVD through a barbed wire and tube frame. Big F’N Joe was the first-ever Death Wolf champion. He had fought off friends and foes alike in a barbaric bout within the mosh pit. We’d seen creative fuckery, tubes galore, and a whole lot of glass as the three bloody fighters made history. Kumite started with a bang and if this is what they’re bringing to the table, then colour me interested to see what’s next. This fucking rocked.

All images courtesy of Kumite Combat Wrestling, Video courtesy of Kumite Combat YouTube

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