Ladies, Gentlemen, and enbys, welcome back to another no-ring extravaganza, brought to you all by the power of Casanova Valentine and the New Fear City. It was time for beers, dancers, bloodbaths, and more as the violent hurricane came to town. On this mixtape of violence, we’d see Devantes vs Hoodfoot, Robert Martyr vs Big Game Leroy vs Mike Law, and a Heavy Metal Wrestling BEXAR Knuckles Title defence from Black Death Casanova himself against Slade. Plus, a bonus deathmatch between Valentine and Sinn Bodhi. Let’s dive into the carnage.

Heavy Metal BEXAR Knuckles Title: Casanova Valentine defeated Sinn Bodhi via Stage 5 Clinger

Up first, we had the first taste of violence as Casanova Valentine took on the Warlord of the Weird, the Kizarny, Sinn Bodhi. We had a fighting pit, a lot of fuckery, and two monstrous powerhouses ready to give the crowd a fucking show. After a war of words, the pair circled each other like vultures, colliding to deliver some heavy elbows. Valentine jabbed up to a Dusty elbow and nabbed a beer to swig and smash into the head of Bodhi. The plunder came out and Valentine got beaten down with a California 405 sign. Bodhi brought his own weapon, a painting, and had it broken over his massive frame. Valentine knocked him down with a headbutt and smashed the sign right into Kizarny’s balls with the Lawn Weasel. He kept the testicle warfare going with a wall uppercut and another smash in the plums from the Weasel. Bodhi tried to find his way back into the fight but Valentine kept stopping him in his tracks with heavy elbows. Bodhi used the pit to his advantage with dirt to the eyes and stomped Valentine down for a senton. He KO’ed Valentine with a nasty knee and dropped some squats on his face. The weaponry got weird with a stuffed animal garrotte and both guys ended choked by it. Bodhi managed to survive the assault and ran Valentine into the wall of a nearby shed. He tried for a pin but could only get two so he just kept punching Valentine in the face. Things took another turn for the nasty as Bodhi pulled out a nail-covered rocking horse and dumped Valentine on it with an Atomic Drop. That was not a pony you’d want to ride. The duo went back to beating the shit out of each other with a girl in the crowd seeming to kick Valentine whilst he was down. A table entered the mix and Valentine used it to get back into the fight, smashing Bodhi’s face off it. Valentine had a staple gun brought out but Bodhi stole it off him and stapled dollars and the American flag to him.

After more beatings, Valentine brought out the tubes and set up a bundle ironing board. Bodhi hit low again and started breaking tubes on Valentine, including a massive bundle, then powerslammed him onto the board. Bodhi fought to set up a door so Valentine struck and put him through the door with the Stage 5 Clinger. This was a dirty as fuck match with a whole lot of fun chemistry and manic energy. Despite the mess in the venue, the pair put on a creative no-ring deathmatch and sent these manic fans into a frenzy.

Big Game Leroy defeated Robert Martyr & Colossal Mike Law via Chair Implant DDT on Law

Next up was the second bonus match as we travelled to another pop-up show for some three-way no-ring fun. Nick Karp was out to announce our combatants as Colossal Mike Law, the Poisoned Youth Robert Martyr and Big Game Leroy prepared to brawl around a bar. Martyr became the instant villain, swinging at his foes with a chair and getting booted away for it. Leroy was focusing on his Switch as per usual and managed to wrestle with Law without even having to look up or use his hands. Martyr put a stop to that with a blindsiding forearm and pummelled the shit out of him as Law explored the venue for his 1000lb dumbbell. Martyr broke his hands on a pole so Leroy got some revenge and Law worked out on the stage. Law finally got his opponent’s attention and crushed both under Barbie the Barbell. He freed both and punched them around a bit, then made both dizzy with Airplane spins. Martyr threw Law at Leroy and tried to tap the Big Game out with an Octopus. Leroy and Law knocked him the fuck out and Leroy managed to counter Law into a chair DDT. That got the win and Big Game Leroy racked up a win in the NFC trials. This was a fun little three-way with fun spots and a frenetic pace as all three tried to maximise their time. Personally, I wouldn’t want to fuck with Law, he can lift 1000lbs so like, good work Leroy on beating him.

Hoodfoot defeated Devantes via Con-Chair-To

Here we go, time for a hoss fight. Hoodfoot vs Devantes. Two men who outsize most opponents were now going to beat the shit out of each other to gain hoss supremacy. It was going to get wild as these two would put their power on display for all to see. Kingsland better be fucking ready. They opened with a hockey fight and threw hands like no one’s business. Devantes made the first power play and hoisted Hoodfoot up before running him into a pole. Hoodfoot wasn’t going to be outdone and hit a Saito right into a fan. They kept throwing bombs and Devantes got some vengeance with a German into a wall. Devantes disrespected Hoodfoot by throwing a beanie at him so Hoodfoot disrespected his face by driving it into the floor with a DDT. He brained Devantes with headbutts and whipped him into the wall, watching as Devantes splatted against it. Devantes did the same with a trip and kept beating Hoodfoot down against the wall. The strikes turned to chops and both threw stinging chops that sounded like gunshots. Hoodfoot took his eye off the ball by rearranging furniture so Devantes levelled him with a lariat. The pair traded more headbutts and Hoodfoot knocked Devantes out of a seat with a massive pounce. Devantes returned fire with an Inverted Atomic Drop and knocked Hoodfoot into the chair for a running dropkick. Hoodfoot gave Devantes the one-finger salute so Devantes gave Hoodfoot a DDT on the floor.

Things got technical as Devantes tried to go for a Crossface but Hoodfoot picked his hand and tried to break his fingers. They took the fight to the stage and Hoodfoot knocked Devantes to the floor before knocking him loopy with a chair DDT. Devantes still had some life left in him so Hoodfoot picked him up, slumped him back over the chair, and ended things with a Conchairto. This got ugly. Both men refused to back down and took horrific blow after horrific blow until Hoodfoot used some furniture alongside his raw power to knock out Devantes’ lights. This was intense, high-impact fun, and a nice change of pace from the rest of the wrestling on show. It’ll be interesting to see if these two meet again as Devantes accepted the loss and the respect after, but he was still fired up to fight.

Heavy Metal BEXAR Knuckles Title: Casanova Valentine defeated Slade via Shanking Collapse

Last but not least, it was time for some more BEXAR Knuckles battling as Casanova Valentine put the title on the line against the Rikers Island Psycho, Slade, all passionately announced again by Nick Karp. Everyone in that venue should be scared as these two were going to create a hardcore hurricane that would span the whole venue and spill a whole lot of plasma. It opened with forearms and gave way to hellacious chops. Valentine scored the first knockdown with headbutts and stopped for a beverage, tearing the can in half and cutting into Slade with it. He clubbed Slade with another beer and borrowed a shirt from the merch table to choke him out with. Slade met the wall and Valentine held him prisoner as the members of Jynx (including Justin Whang, my personal viewing and work viewing mixing) chopped the shit out of him. Satan Cock came out to play and was stabbed into the forehead of Slade, then the mouth as Valentine went for a Crippler Crossface. Slade broke free with an eye rake but Valentine was right back on him with a club and dragged the action towards the bar. Valentine bounced Slade off the bar and scooped up Cara Mia Antoinette to use as a battering ram. The pair took a stool for some beers and punches, that’s right it was barfight time. Slade was laying in the shots so Valentine cut him off with beer mist and a double nipple twist. They got up onto the bar and slugged it out again until Slade kicked low and DDT’ed Valentine onto the bar. From there, Slade was unleased battering Valentine with more forearms, fists, and barstools. Valentine remained defiant so Slade started moving the fight back to the main room and stapled Valentine’s forehead and hand. It was Slade’s time to grab Satan’s Cock and mangled Valentine’s head with it. Valentine wasn’t quite ready to quit so Slade grabbed the Garden Weasel and stabbed it into his balls.

Valentine remained pushy so the blades entered his head too. Slade was getting angrier and angrier so he kept hammering at Valentine and screaming at fans to get out of his way. He introduced a barbed-wire door into the mix and the ref nearly earned his ire by getting in the way. Slade got blasted in the head by a bundle and Valentine used that opening to attempt the Stage 5 Clinger. Slade fought it off and took a bite out of Valentine’s hand. Things got even wilder as Slade produced a pair of handcuffs and tried to choke Valentine out with them. Slade was leaking out of his head and Valentine made him bleed out of his back by driving him through the door with a backdrop. They both struggled to their feet and dropped to their knees for another round of forearms. Slade handcuffed them together and the pair produced shanks from their pockets. They both repeatedly shanked each other in the sides and after multiple stabs, Valentine fell into the pin on Slade. This was insane. This might have just been the bloodiest, nastiest, purely malicious no-ring deathmatch we’ve seen Valentine put on. These two gave no fucks for their condition and gave everyone the ultraviolence they craved. What a way to end things and if that wasn’t cool enough, on December 17th, Heavy Metal Wrestling collides with New Fear City as Texas takes on Brooklyn. Who knows what madness could break out when these two company juggernauts collide? Whatever happens, it’s going to be fucking awesome and I’ll be at the ready to cover it. Until next time, tip your dancers and support the no-ring deathmatch.

All images courtesy of Casanova Valentine, Red Shoes Media, IsThisWrestling, New Fear City, 

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