WARNING: STRONG VIOLENCE AHEAD

Welcome back to H2O and to another violent pre-Christmas feast of delicious deathmatches and that old-school brand of fighting. The double bill was kicking off with a whole host of deadly encounters and chaos as Brandon Kirk and Kit Osbourne battled Billie Starkz and Marcus Mathers, Alex Stretch went one-on-one with Lowlife Louie, The Lone Rangers came for the Full-Time Bosses, Marc Angel and Jimmy Lyon took their blood feud to Taipei leading to the Christmas Chaos Rumble. There were plenty of presents to fight for on this one. Who would get their gold and who would be left with nothing but cuts and coal? Let’s get into the carnage.

Brandon Kirk & Kit Osbourne (w/Kasey Kirk) defeated Billie Starkz & Marcus Mathers via Roll-up on Mathers

Up first tonight was a slight change to the card, originally it was the Kirks vs the Kidz but Kasey had come out in rock n rave gear and a neck brace, it was clear she wouldn’t be fighting tonight. We even had a battle of the Mariah Carey tracks before we learned Kit Osbourne was stepping up to aid the Kirks. He was back and ready to kick more ass, this time as a favour to the Kirks. What followed was a very stiff bout between two fired-up teams. Kit and Kirk were out to embarrass the kids through misdirection and experience whilst Starkz and Mathers were just out to kick their ass. This match had plenty of thrill, spills, and kills as everyone just let loose on each other. Starkz was gunning for Kirk, Mathers wanted to show off and Osbourne was looking to put himself back on the H2O mat to a mixed crowd. It was all very good fun and a blast to watch with the veterans sneaking out the win over the young blood. An excellent way to open the show and a fun way to start what could be a long story between two teams. I doubt Mathers or Starkz will let this go, especially as they had the match almost won. It’s great to see Osbourne back at full-tilt and Kirk continuing to show how good he is in pure wrestling bouts.

Reid Walker defeated Austin Luke, GG Everson & Anthraxx via Cattle Mutilation on Everson

Up next, some rising star warfare. Everson, Luke, Walker, and Anthraxx are all starting to break out on the scene now but that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for some more seasoning. What better way to accomplish that than with a good old four-way? Four enter, one leaves the winner. Who would it be? In this fight, it was Walker but it wasn’t an easy fight. This was a rapid-fire greatest hits of all involved style fight where bodies flew, hard shots were thrown and the powerhouses flattened their foes with horrific slams. It was all great fun and ended with an intense battle of the submissions between Austin Luke and Reid Walker. Everson gave up to Walker’s Cattle Mutilation before Anthraxx gave up to the crossface so Walker takes this one, though it might have just put a target on his back. Walker just keeps gaining momentum and with matches like this, it’s easy to understand why.

Raver’s Rules: G-Raver defeated Ryan Redfield via Jack-Knife

Okay, this was going to be an odd one. Ryan Redfield is a damn monster in the ring. He’s fast, agile, and hits like a freight train but was he ready for what would await him within a Raver’s Rules match? This wasn’t going to be like anything he’d done before, was he up for the challenge? Yes, he was. He might not have won but he gave G-Raver a beating he would not forget. This was an oddly pleasant surprise as instead of being a plunder match it was a wrestling contest turned striking contest turned no holds barred murder fest with chairs. It was an ever-escalating war that even managed to break the ring as Redfield hit the second rope so hard, he knocked it loose. The hardcore elements favoured G-Raver and Redfield had to push away any sense of kindness he had to join in the murder. He was hitting hard but seemed reluctant to directly use the plunder. That didn’t stop him nearly killing G-Raver with a chair pounce, a chair Neckbreaker and a Belly to Belly on the apron. It was all vicious action from the get-go as Raver brought out a violent side in Redfield and pushed him to his limits. In the end, Redfield fell to a quick pinfall and nothing more. Both guys had brought the best out of each other and survived the nastiest of the hits. If there’s a rematch of this down the line, I’d love to see it. Post-match, the old-school angel Evelyn Sage came out to ringside to offer G-Raver an envelope. She’s been making appearances to leave messages to certain wrestlers but as of yet, no one knows what this means. There was an odd symbol in the letter and nothing more.

Following that, Shane Douglas came out to give a speech. He was the 1st H2O champion and as the newest inductee into the H2O Hall of Fame, it was customary to give a little speech about it. He was cut off by Deklan Grant and Jess Moss. After trading barbs, they got into a scuffle and after getting his ass handed to him, Moss and Grant beat down Douglas in a 2-on-1 assault. Devon Moore evened the odds and Jess Moss got hit with the Belly to Belly.

Christmas Tree Death: Alex Stretch defeated Lowlife Louie Ramos via Springboard Razorboard Inverted Frog Splash

Now this one was special. It’s been too long since Lowlife Louie has been in action so what better way to welcome him back than with a Christmas Tree Deathmatch against one of the hottest rising stars in the bloodletting category Alex Stretch? We all know Louie loves to brawl and bleed, Stretch was going to cause him to do both in some Christmas-themed violence. Fucking hell, this was a bloody mess in the best possible way. Whilst far from a technical masterpiece, it was a compelling car crash of Christmas-themed body horror and gore. There was blood aplenty as Louie proved to be on top form and cut swathes of crimson out of Stretch in the process. There were broken bodies, broken doors, broken monitors, broken baubles, broken boards and so much more as for 16 minutes, these two put each other through absolute hell. It was another ever-escalating series of horrifying plunder spots and situations. Stretch often fell victim to his own contraptions but managed to make Louie a Christmas tree with hook decorations and broke a barbed wire and strip tree with his body. Seriously, this fucking rocked. It was excessive, monstrous and so incredibly violent that I couldn’t look away. Lowlife Louie is a national treasure and Alex Stretch needs to have a breakout 2022, that insanity cannot be contained.

H2O Tag Team Titles: The Lone Rangers (Jeff Cannonball & Mitch Vallen) defeated Chris Bradley & Kristian Ross via Ranger Bulldog on Bradley

Hoss fight, hoss fight, hoss fight. Jeff Cannonball and Mitch Vallen had become number one contenders to the Tag Team Gold and now they were going to take their opportunity at Ross and Bradley. Could we see the Lone Rangers become 2x tag champs? Yes, they could. After a sprint of a hoss fight, they came away the winners. This was a very even battle of attrition as usually, the biggest shots tended to backfire. The Lone Rangers had the experience advantage but Bradley and Ross were able to pick their spots and nearly got one over on their foes. Much like the last time they met, Ross and Bradley took the Rangers to their limit but couldn’t get the win. That makes the Rangers two-time champions! Nothing should be taken away from Ross and Bradley though, they’ve got a long time to pick up gold and wins, they’re gonna be just fine. Or, they could potentially get them back tomorrow in a Nightmare before Christmas deathmatch… The plot thickens.

Taipei Death: Marc Angel defeated Jimmy Lyon via CTE Chair shot to Leverage Pin

The bloodletting returned with a vengeance as we got the next chapter in the Marc Angel/Jimmy Lyon saga. In their last match, glass had ended up in Lyon’s eye. Now, with that eye still healing, Lyon was going to apply glass to his hands for a Taipei deathmatch. Was Lyon going to get his vengeance or would he lose his other eye to the glass too? This was pure sadism. It started in typical Taipei fashion with Lyon dragging Angel around the ring for glassed-up punches and a rubber chicken to the back. They kept finding new glass bottles and implements to smash over each other and cut each other up with and kept raising the glassy stakes as time went on. Lyon was in high spirits, revelling in the vengeance he was getting, and seemed immune to the glass in his feet and face. Angel tried to play it smart by removing Lyon’s tape and glass but the mad bastard just superglued more to his hand. Once again, Lyon was screwed out of the victory by shenanigans and Angel took home a tainted win. Again, there isn’t too much to say about this one. It had a story to tell and it did it very well. It’s hard not to root for Lyon especially when he does mad shit like this. He’ll kill Angel one day but that day was not today.

Christmas Chaos Rumble: Drew Blood defeated Adonis Valerio, Anthraxx, Austin Luke, Bobby Beverly, Bruce Grey, Brandon Kirk, Celcio Vega, Chris Bradley, Chuck Payne, Cole Leon, Deklan Grant, Devon Moore, Eddy Only, Frank Bonetti, Frankie Pickard, G-Raver, Gaston LaRue, GG Everson, Gregory Iron, Kennedi Copeland, Kristian Ross, Leroy Robinson, Miss Blakely, Nick Grande, Reid Walker, Rocket, Ron Mathis, Sean Henderson & Tyler Voxx via Apron Leg Sweep on Beverly

Last but not least, the Christmas Chaos rumble. There would be a whole load of H2O talent gunning for a shot at the Danny Havoc Hardcore Title as they would have to throw each other over the top rope and out of the running. As this was a full Rumble, I’m going to have to keep it brief or we’ll be here all night. Also, this wasn’t limited to fresh contenders so those who’d already had a match could come out and get a second shot at glory. Multiple factions were vying for that spot with 44OH! looking for a chance to steal back some H2O gold. It started with a monster vs a Bad Boy and quickly filled up as the remnants of the earlier four-way came for a second fight. Everson looked to kill Walker and slugged it out with Chuck. Things got smoky as Pickard joined the fight in Venom tights no less to fight Payne and Gregory Iron followed to hug the bottom rope. The White Trash came to play as Voxx was next and started taking on anyone that would come at him. Rocket was next and tried to kill his former mentor, Pickard. He narrowly avoided elimination as Everson and Walker took each other out of the match. Rocket climbed the sidewall to safety as Bruce Grey entered the fray. Rocket flew back into the fight and eliminated Pickard after a massive crossbody. Payne sent Rocket out after him. Eddy Only was out next and got a glimpse of the moon as Grey pulled Iron’s trunks down. Only exposed his own thong as 44OH! and WTF went to war and Valerio was eliminated off-camera by Payne. Only and Iron got raunchy as Hybrid Champion Kennedi Copeland rushed into the fight. Gaston LaRue was next, making one of his first H2O appearances and got on everyone’s bad side by bringing out a book and got hit with Jimmy Rave’s old finisher.

LaRue helped 44OH! eliminate Copeland and tried to join them but got low-blowed for his troubles. Brandon Kirk tried to enter and was instantly eliminated and Ron Mathis came out next, helping WTF clear the ring of everyone but Payne. Miss Blakely was out next but delayed her entry until Payne cleared the ring of WTF. Cole Leon tried to take on Payne solo and eliminated Blakely as she tried to sneak attack. Deklan Grant was out next and gave Leon some breathing room after a monster Chokeslam by attacking Payne. Devon Moore was out next and dragged Grant to the outside for a proper fight. Austin Luke came out to pick the bones and threw Leon to his doom. Celcio Vega was out next and gave Luke a grappling bout. Frank Bonetti was out next and pick his spot to enter, attacking Vega as Moore and Grant found their way back. Drew Blood followed as the ring began to fill up again. He was ambushed by Bobby Beverly who had been waiting to enter the fight. Luke took himself out with a chair and Beverly entered officially to murder anyone left alone. Anthraxx made his second appearance of the night to raise some hell and Nick Grande took a break from commentary to smash some faces, eliminating Vega. Kristian Ross was out next and quickly got rid of Grande. Leroy Robinson was after that and started dropping bodies too. Kristian Ross bit the dust so his partner Chris Bradley took up the slack. Anthraxx was eliminated and G-Raver entered at 29, eliminating Bradley with a low bridge. Robinson quickly followed as Payne launched him out of the ring. Grant and Moore continued to beat the shit out of each other and Sean Henderson entered as the final combatant. He quickly eliminated Bonetti and eliminated himself in the excitement. Payne eliminated Raver with a big boot and Beverly sneakily eliminated Payne as he attacked Notorious Inc. Moore kamikazed him way at Grant and the pair both went out to a Cactus clothesline, leaving Blood and Beverly as the last two. Blood took another beating and took Beverly to the apron before eliminating him with a leg sweep. It had taken the ultimate survivalist to get through the rumble and Blood had been the guy to do it. Despite countless elimination attempts, he’d kept finding ways to make it through, earning a Title shot for doing so. It was a very long but mostly fun rumble full of H2O’s best and brightest telling little stories throughout and nicely capped off a fun little H2O show.

All images courtesy of H2O, Earl Gardner Photography,