Royal Rumble is on Saturday (it’s mostly Saturdays for WWE’s big shows this year), so it’s go-home show time once again. For no apparent reason, tonight’s show will start with a weigh-in for Bobby Lashley vs Brock Lesnar. Are we pretending this is a normal thing in WWE? Have we given up on hoping for any kind of internal consistency at all? The Miz will be throwing Maryse a birthday celebration, just days before they meet Edge and Beth Phoenix in a mixed-tag, and a week after Maryse hit Phoenix with a brick. So that should go well. And RK-Bro meet Alpha Academy in an Academic Challenge. Presumably, there’ll be some wrestling somewhere in the three hours as well.

I’m Amanda and this is the RAW review.

Match Results

Bianca Belair def. Queen Zelina

Kevin Owens def. Damian Priest (DQ)

Rhea Ripley, Dana Brooke, & Liv Morgan def. Nikki A.S.H., Carmella, & Tamina

Randy Orton def. Chad Gable

AJ Styles def. Austin Theory

The Mysterios def. Street Profits

The Show

♦ Adam Pearce and Corey Graves officiated the weigh-in. Graves commented on Lesnar’s attire being inappropriate and Lesnar asked if he wanted him to get naked for him. Happily, Graves declined.

A shirtless Bobby Lashley weighed in at 273lbs and MVP talked him up a lot. Lesnar took only his hat off and weighed in at 286lbs, but Lashley complained he wasn’t taking it seriously. He thinks Lesnar is acting the fool because he knows he’ll beat him on Saturday. He even pulled out Paul Heyman’s ‘that’s not a prediction it’s a spoiler,’ line.

Lesnar turned to Heyman and said the Sunday headlines would read that there’s a new champion. ‘Bobby who?’

♦ Bianca Belair vs Queen Zelina was the opening match of the show. Belair manhandled Vega in the early going, but Vega countered delayed vertical suplex into a jawbreaker and took over. Overconfidence cost both of them control more than once, which is an ongoing issue for both. Power won out of guile this time. Queen Zelina was unable to flip Belair into the Code Red and the counter into a K.O.D. cost her the match.

♦ Kevin Patrick tried to question Kevin Owens about pretending to be injured to get the win over Damian Priest last week. Owens wanted to focus on the fact it was Priest’s first loss and was offended by the suggestion his injury was fake. He fought through the pain, ‘Just Keep Fighting’ like his shirt says. And that’s what he’s going to do until he’s United States Champion.

Damian Priest (C) vs Kevin Owens – United States Championship Match – feels like it should have been a Royal Rumble match, or at least on the Kickoff show. Good match though. Kevin Owens got his back destroyed going into a break, when Priest got his knees up for Owens’ senton off the apron, then chokeslammed him onto it.

Commentary proclaimed a new champion when Owens frog splash hit the mark perfectly, but Priest kicked out. Owens played injured again, but Priest wasn’t buying it and kept kicking him. He was right not to because Owens bounced him off the ropes and tried to roll him up with a handful of tights. Priest went ‘Damian’ and got Owens in the corner. Despite the ref getting between them and giving several warnings, Priest wouldn’t stop punching and kicking him, so he was disqualified.

♦ Rhea Ripley has a score to settle with Nikki A.S.H. but she’s focused on The Royal Rumble and she’s going to win at all costs.

Dana Brooke and Liv Morgan pitched their Rumble victory stories as well. As did Carmella and Tamina. Nikki A.S.H. talked about heroes having to do messy things that normal people won’t, which is how she’s going to win.

Rhea Ripley, Dana Brooke, & Liv Morgan vs Nikki A.S.H., Carmella, & Tamina was nonsense. I know Nikki A.S.H. has done the whole heel turn thing, but Carmella has been putting her down for weeks. Why would the new confident Nikki team with her instead of beating her senseless? Corey Graves explained it as “The enemy of my enemy is my ally”, but there’s no way. They also talked about carrying momentum into the Rumble Match, which also makes little sense.

The match was fun and chaotic. Rhea Ripley submitted Carmella, possibly just to make her stop shouting. Nikki A.S.H. attacked Ripley after the match.

♦ Sonya Deville told Damian Priest off backstage. She told him he could be fined, suspended, or worse for not listening to a referee. Priest looked less than impressed about being scolded like a naughty child.

♦ Kevin Patrick officiated the Academic Challenge. Chad Gable explained there will be a triad of events over the coming weeks, and took the opportunity to boast about his master’s degree again (we’ve all got one Chad, you’re not special) and tonight’s spelling bee would be the first. He also announced his and Otis’ entry into the Royal Rumble match.

Otis was first up and had to spell Emmental, which he did correctly. Riddle was asked to spell Calibration, which he struggled to say until he realised it was like when he was weighing ounces of stuff (with Orton cracking up quietly in his seat). He got it right. Gable was given Disillusion and spelt out Dissolution. He protested that Kevin Patrick said the word wrong.

Orton was given the word Dumbbell, which is apparently misspelt wrong frequently, but he got it right.

When Gable protested again, Orton challenged him to an immediate one on one match.

Randy Orton vs Chad Gable took place with Riddle and Otis at ringside. Not a bad match, but I’d like them to just put the belts back on RK-Bro and move on. Orton dumped Gable on the announced desk, but it failed to break which always looks more painful. Otis got on the apron and Orton took a chop-block from Gable when he shoved him down, but Gable couldn’t capitalise. He was still in control of the match after a break though, partly because he bounced Orton off the announce desk during the ads.

Riddle got himself thrown across ringside after trying to stop Otis from interfering, and took a heavy landing. Gable was ready for the RKO and got Orton in an ankle lock. He rolled through and RKO’d him while Gable was distracted by Riddle battering Otis with his scooter.

Riddle said after the match that they got to choose the next ‘Academic Challenge’. He chose a scooter race. I’m not sure he understands what academic means.

♦ Bad Bunny is going on tour. Tickets are on sale Friday.

♦ Alexa Bliss’ therapist asked her about the first time she met Lilly. When she was six, some girls knocked her off the monkey bars and she lost consciousness. Lilly was there when she woke up and they’ve been friends ever since. She was animated and happy for the first time since her therapy sessions have been shown.

♦ Veer Mahaan is still coming to RAW at some undetermined point in the future.

♦ Austin Theory told Vince McMahon he was going to win the Royal Rumble and asked him for a higher number. McMahon asked him why he thought he would have any control over that and told him to concentrate on his opponent tonight, AJ Styles. As he handed Theory his phone, McMahon said he should make sure he brings back a really good selfie.

AJ Styles vs Austin Theory was great and really long. In the ring, Theory is decent. He’s ruthless and skilled and everything he does makes sense in terms of his character. I hate the character. The childlike quality he has is weird and a little creepy. Despite all the distractions with Omos, AJ Styles is still phenomenal and a match of this length and type against him is huge for Theory.

As a result of the Omos nonsense, Styles could have done with a big win, but Theory was under threat from the boss, so losing wasn’t an option. He got to the ropes in Styles’ calf-crusher, and knocked him off the top rope before a Phenomenal Forearm could happen, but got caught with his feet on the ropes by the ref. A second attempt at the Phenomenal Forearm was successful, and secured Styles the win.

♦ WWE 2k22 is out on March 11 and is available to pre-order.

♦ Becky Lynch and Doudrop had a split-screen interview. The usual and expected stuff. Lynch thinks Doudrop should be grateful for the opportunity she’s given her. Doudrop thinks she’s going to break Lynch’s ribs. It finished with Doudrop getting bored of them being in separate rooms and leaving her to attack Lynch. They had to be separated.

♦ Rey Mysterio is the 2k22 cover star. He’s thrilled but he wants to see Dominik on there one day. Dominik acknowledged he needs his own legacy for that, which he plans to start on Saturday by winning the Rumble match. Rey pointed out he’d have to throw him over the top rope for that, and he wouldn’t do that to his dad, right? Dominik said that after Rey’s lesson last week, he’s first. Rey remained unsure whether he was joking.

The Mysterios vs Street Profits is going to be a good time regardless of how many times you see it. High-flying, quick and skilled, with the teams literally and figuratively bouncing off each other. Dawkins prevented the double 619 on Ford by grabbing Dominik and pulling him out of the ring. Rey set Ford up again, but he caught him. When Montez Ford got Rey on his shoulders, Rey rolled through and pinned him.

Dominik tried to tip his dad out of the ring after the match but Rey held on with his legs and dragged him over instead. Street Profits put Ry over the top rope. Dawkins put For over. The Dirty Dawgs appeared from nowhere and threw Dawkins over, so Profits and Mysterios joined forces to beat on them and throw them over. The segment ended with the four men in separate corners staring each other down.

♦ Seth Rollins had an interview with Kevin Patrick ahead of his match against Roman Reigns at Royal Rumble. The Usos are barred from ringside (which is great, but also stupid because if Reigns had punched one of them instead of Rollins then Rollins would have lost his title match and Reigns would have got the night off). Anyway, Rollins said it was never about The Usos it’s always been about Seth and Roman. They both know he can beat Reigns because he’s done it. He’s going to SmackDown on Friday, to deliver his final pre-match messages in person.

♦ Maryse’s birthday celebration closed the show. He bought her a painting of her as a princess and him as Prince Charming, a pink glittery… purse maybe, and a lot of other presents. But she wanted to open the human-sized box that he pretended wasn’t from him. It contained a table with the brick Maryse hit Beth Phoenix with displayed on it.

They showed that footage after revealing the brick, then Miz got the crowd on their feet and asked them to sing happy birthday. Edge’s music cut into Miz’s singing, which was a relief for everyone.

They are both still furious after last week and proceeded to demolish Miz’s security force. In fairness, hiring security with bigger muscles than the smaller of your two opponents might be a plan if you don’t want them to get beaten up.

Miz and Maryse escaped the ring and watched in horror as Edge powerbombed an unlucky security guard through Maryse’s presents.

That was a truly pedestrian go-home episode of RAW. A couple of decent matches, but so much fluff and waffle. Royal Rumble should be fun though. Join us next week for the first steps on The Road to WrestleMania.