WARNING: STRONG VIOLENCE AND LANGUAGE AHEAD
It’s time for the grandest stage of violence in H2O history. The Hardcore Kingdom was gone and in its place was the Ultraviolent Kingdom. Thirteen fighters were stepping up to enter this gory blood sports arena but only one could walk out the winner. we had veterans, young guns, and the upper echelon of the H2O deathmatch scene all jumping into this one with hopes and plans to take it all amongst some hellish stipulations, all while Mad Man Pondo hosted. It was all to play for as the boss man got the night off to watch his company come together to celebrate the arts and get their glory. Let’s get into the carnage.
Round 1 Triple Crown Deathmatch: Chuck Payne defeated Anthraxx & Alex Stretch via Barbed-wire Cross Kick on Stretch
After an awesome little opening ceremony, it was time to get down to business. First up, the match that secured your place in the final. Chuck Payne had managed to negotiate a buy for whoever one this match. It would be the Monster vs the two men he almost screwed out of a tournament spot, Alex Stretch and Anthraxx in a triple-threat of fuckery. We know Payne is a destroyer but could he cope with both these madmen at once? It was time to find out. The pair started off smart with a double mist to Payne and used the time to beat the shit out of each other outside whilst the monster recovered. Stretch was the master of self-destruction once again as he continuously ramped up the violence at great cost to himself. Even then, with a wicked laugh, he kept getting up and fighting, no matter what he was put through or hit with. Anthraxx also got some of the rub but most of the horror came from what happened to Stretch. He came to play and fucking hell did he. As expected though, Payne’s law benefitted Payne as he made full use of Stretch’s cross to take the win, stamping his place in the finals. What a way to start this chaos. Stretch is going to be a breakout one day and Anthraxx is one hell of a brawler. For now, though, it’s all eyes on Payne and his path of destruction. This is what happens when a monster has no fucks left to give.
Round 1 Death Down Aisle 5: Jimmy Lyon defeated Marc Angel via Sign to the Head
Out next we had the ultimate underdog of the tournament. Jimmy Lyon initially lost his place but because Marc Angel is a grade-A shitheel, he’d been given it back with a chance to kick his rival’s ass. They had a whole lot of supermarket goods to break each other with and a lot of bad blood to exorcise. With the sound of Backstreet Boys in the air, we got to the action. Lyon started hot but as is often the case, he got too into things, bludgeoning Angel with anything not nailed down and left himself open to a cheap shot. Angel took full advantage and broke the first tubes of the night, crashing some trolley-taped tubes into the arm of Chondo. He too gave out a merciless beating but the heart of Lyon wouldn’t stop beating no matter how hard Angel tried and no matter how often Lyon almost took himself out. With tempers flaring and a crowd hot for violence, Lyon kept hammering away and got the big win with a barrage of heavy sign shots. It was just the catharsis we needed after all the harm Angel has caused Lyon as of late and gave us a very entertaining opening round match. Lyon is finally on the road to winning something.
Round 1 Taipei and Stairway to Staple Gun: Dale Patricks defeated Ron Mathis (w/Bruce Grey & Tyler Voxx) via Stapled Piledriver
The violence continued with another favourite stepping up to the plate. Despite his new bad attitude, Deathmatch Gambit Dale Patricks remains one of the hottest guys in the deathmatch scene. He was making his grand return to H2O and was looking to gun right for the top spot. In his way, the white trash messiah, Ron Mathis. They had glassed-up knuckles and a staple gun to get to, who was going to be progressing this time? This one had a bit of a different rhythm to it as the pair started out much more traditionally, trying to make the most out of the glass on their knuckles instead of going for other weapons. The rest of WTF went from hype men to interlopers and though the numbers advantage was there, they were never able to aid Mathis as they were both afraid of heights. Eventually, the staple gun came into play and allowed Patricks to get a bunch of staples into the Grey and Voxx before ending Mathis with a Piledriver. This had a nice mix of serious and silly, giving us a change of pace and tone from the previous two more serious fights. It still had a lot of great action to it but was a bit lighter in tone. Leather Daddy progresses on.
Round 1 Pallets and Pits of Fucking Pain: Chris Bradley defeated Bam Sullivan via Tack Pit From the Heavens
Time to hold your butts and clutch your nuts as Bam Sullivan entered the fray for his chance at further glory. The inaugural Danny Havoc Hardcore champion was looking to rebound and now was the perfect chance to do so. Well, it would be but in his way was the Hardcore Hoss, Chris Bradley. The former tag champ had stamped his place in the tournament and now it was time to watch him try to take the tournament by storm. We’d seen him get hardcore, now was the time to see him get Ultraviolent. This might have just been the stiffest one so far. It was a whirlwind of strikes and barbed wire as these two beat the shit out of each other then turned to the wire and tacks to inflict more punishment, occasionally doling out even more blunt force trauma with the heavy pallets in the corners. Bradley went through a baptism of fire in this one as he was cut up and stabbed up but just kept on going, continuously bulldozing through Bam when given the chance. It was an engrossing watch as both these machines just kept going forwards, no matter the damage. They hit hard and got hit harder with Bradley getting what could be deemed an upset over a tournament favourite. This was fucking awesome and it’s nice to see Bradley really finding his footing in the deathmatch world.
Round 1 Shit Storm Deathmatch: Neil Diamond Cutter defeated Drew Blood via Middle Rope Honey Badger Senton
— Logan (@marth555) March 27, 2022
See this stipulation kind of cracked me up. Doesn’t it read like it’s going to be two guys cracking each other with toilets? It wasn’t that but it still left a lot of questions as to what Neil Diamond Cutter and Drew Blood were going to be using in this one. we’d find out over the course of the match as a siren would blare and a bucket of fuckery would be brought to the ring. These two both have manic gas tanks and will always find a way to keep going. Was the damage of the previous night going to cost Cutter or was the Honey Badger going to fight through the cuts and bruises to push up the tournament? This was a slow starter but a barfight killed the time until the first siren went off and we got chains in the match. The ever-escalating stipulation led to an incredible amount of rough landings, cuts, and burning pain as blocks, tacks, glass, and salt all came into play across the match’s runtime. Throw in the heavy hands, daredevil antics, and never say die attitude of both fighters and we had an understated classic. Drew Blood often gets overlooked in H2O so this was a nice outing for him that showed he could still go. Cutter got the dub but it was one hell of a vicious one for both guys. Who knew buckets could cause so much pain?
Round 1 Fans Bring the Weapons: Mickie Knuckles defeated Lowlife Louie Ramos via Can Board Murder Bomb
Who says creativity is dead? It was time for the fans to cause the hurting as two deathmatch icons came out to play. Lowlife Louie is one of the godfathers of H2O. A well-renowned legend of the style and respected veteran, he’d called out Mickie Knuckles and now, he was getting his wish. We were about to see an absolute bloodbath from two of the toughest motherfuckers in the business. Godmother of Deathmatch vs Godfather of the company in a first-time-ever fight. Did it deliver? 100 percent yes. This was fucking awesome. It might just have been the kinkiest deathmatch around to not feature dildos. There were gusset plates to chests and junk, poles going where they shouldn’t and so much more as these two went all out with the bludgeoning. It was outlandish fun with heavy hands, creative fuckery and a heartbroken Reid Walker as the pair broke his surfboard. Those who respect each other hurt each other all the more and it was obvious these two wanted to make something special they could both respect. It was violent as fuck with so much weaponry being used throughout. These two know how to build an engrossing bloodbath and did just that. Knuckles progresses but she’d been taken to the limit by Louie. What fun was had here.
Semi-Final Cylinder Iowa Vacationland: Mickie Knuckles defeated Dale Patricks & Chris Bradley via Balls Plex on Bradley
— Logan (@marth555) March 27, 2022
With the prelims down, it was time to see who was going to join Chuck Payne in the finals. First up we had another odd stipulation that saw the ring covered in carpet strips. It would be a triple-threat battle of attrition as Mickie Knuckles, only just rested from her war with Louie was back in action against Dale Patricks and Chris Bradley. Patricks was probably in the best condition of the lot but that meant nothing. Bradley was going to have to step up again as he was in the ring with not one but two deathmatch vets. Oh man, the entertainment just continues. Once again, we had a violent as fuck yet also comedic as fuck encounter as Knuckles continues to show why deathmatch is her bitch. She was in firm control of this one, keeping both her foes in check and showing a very clear disdain for Chris Bradley’s cock and balls. To his credit, the Hardcore Hoss definitely stepped up and tried to hold his own, hitting a gnarly tube splash but both Patricks and Knuckles had it out for him throughout. He just couldn’t catch a break, even being betrayed by his chair during a three-way barfight. Knuckles kept things funny throughout with her quips and antics but also kept turning up the intensity forcing Patricks and Bradley to keep up, as well as using several of the front row as crash pads when she got hit. It was an awesome fight though I still have no fucking clue what a Cylinder Iowa Vacationland deathmatch is. There were strips galore and other assorted fuckery so I’ll take it, maybe Iowa Vactionlands are just violent places?
Semi-Final Pick Your Poisons: Jimmy Lyon defeated Neil Diamond Cutter via Fuckery Platform Avalanche DVD
The other semi-final was going to be a much more direct deal. It was a one-on-one between two fan favourites with them seemingly getting to choose their own demise. It was an all you could bleed buffet of deathmatch favourites and two guys more than ready to use them. It was time to see which underdog would have his day. It was Chondo’s time to shine once again as he picked up the win but it was far from easy. This might just be the most physically uncomfortable fight of the night as the amount of back and rib-breaking impacts the pair had was enough to make the most hardened of fans squeamish. We had strip duels, cinderblocks and a copious amount of stop sign and ladder usage to create a bloody canvas of horror. The worst thing was, the pair kept kicking out. That’s how much this shit means to them. When the smart thing would be to stay down, they were kicking out and taking more abuse. This was a brutal match between two brutal contenders with no fucks to give. They were going to leave it all out there and that’s just what they did. It was a smash and grab horror show with every type of fuckery at their disposal. Plus, it’s hard not to enjoy Cutter’s continuous wisecracks. It’s always nice to see violence with personality.
House of Horrors Steel Cage Elimination: Jimmy Lyon defeated Chuck Payne & Mickie Knuckles via Stop Sign Splash on Payne
— Logan (@marth555) March 27, 2022
Last but not least, the main event. It was time to crown a winner and end this nightmarish soiree in style. To do so, the company had decided on a three-way elimination House of Horrors match. Three fighters in a steel cage full of fuckery had been left to duke it out until one was left standing. Payne had managed to skip the semis so he was fighting relatively fresh but again, in a match like this, it meant nothing as adrenaline can overpower everything. It started out as a handicap match with Payne being targeted by Lyon and Knuckles with Lyon occasionally being handicapped by his lack of understanding of the rules or his big mouth. The pair managed to beat down the Monster continuously but couldn’t find a way to pin him. There was trouble in paradise with the would-be alliance arguing a lot and failing to keep control, often earning themselves another Payne beating. It all broke down when Chondo refused to follow orders and their fighting led to Knuckles being eliminated with a Powerbomb through a barbed-wire door. That left Lyon fighting for his life against a very bitter and very pissed-off Payne. He was fucking murdered for the first bit of this. with everyone willing him on, Lyon kept on pushing, finding whatever way he could to stop Payne in his tracks. He kept kicking out and fought up, breaking mountains of fuckery with Payne’s body and forcing the Monster to be just as durable. In the end, with a stop sign splash, he found the three-count and won. Jimmy Lyon had finally won something. He’d clawed, scratched, and fought through so many tournaments and title matches, now he’d finally won something big. The ultimate underdog had done it and everyone was over the moon. Marc Angel came out to congratulate him and presented him with his trophy. The hatchet was buried and all was happy in the cage after a hell of a fight… or was it?
The lights went out and sounds of movement could be heard from within the cage. Something wasn’t right. Matt Tremont was there to try and mediate but soon he found himself trapped with Lyon. They were faced by Chris Bradley, Kristian Ross, Mouse, and Austin Luke with one figure sitting down in the corner, hood up. The mob attacked, mauling Lyon and Tremont with raw fury and fists. All had recently shown their disenfranchisement with the company and now they were venting those frustrations physically. Chondo was held down and Tremont was tied to the cage, the door locked to prevent the H2O roster from coming to his aid. The beatdown on Tremont continued with no one able to help. The ringleader finally rose, nonchalant to the carnage around them. They finally dropped the hood to reveal none other than Kennedi Copeland. The former Hybrid Champion and one of Matt Tremont’s golden choices had gone rogue. Copeland ended this with a brutal bundle shot to Tremont and helped her group leave with Chondo as a hostage. They were granted safe passage out of the building. I doubt they’ll be granted the same courtesy on their return. Kennedi Copeland had always been a favourite to the outcasts, now she’d found her own and the Killjoys were making their noise. The tournament had been a killer but her group had stolen the show. Who knows what comes next?
Footage from last night of the Incident that took place after Ultraviolent Kingdom
— H2O Wrestling: Hardcore Hustle Organization (@H2OWRESTLING) March 27, 2022