Welcome back to ChocoPro and to potentially one of the weirdest episodes we’ll ever see. Ichigaya’s favourite wrestling company has become a hotbed for activity, attracting wrestlers from around the country and companies to the chocolate square. However, for quite some time now, they’ve been fending off attacks from the UMA. These started with Kappa Kozo and evolved into repeated assaults from a whole host of different monsters. No one was safe, no match was safe, and no stream was safe. Now, the titles aren’t safe either. Sayaka Obihiro defected to join the UMA after a rivalry with Kozo and now, they were coming for the Asia Dream Tag Titles with a whole band of horrors and the leader of the UMA’s backing, Haru Miyako. It was a battle for ChocoPro’s very soul because who knew what would happen if these monsters got the titles. CDK was the company’s biggest hope. Let’s see how they did.

Asia Dream Tag Titles No DQ: CDK (Chris Brookes & Masahiro Takanashi) defeated Sayaka Obihiro & Kappa Kozo (w/Haru Miyako & The UMA Army) via Trauma Roll-up on Obihiro

Baliyan Akki had made introductions. Mei Suruga was in her referee garb. All the prelim work was done and now it was time for the monster mash to begin. This was another first for ChocoPro as they’d housed champions, AEW superstars, and even Minoru Suzuki but never monsters. That was changing as Haru Miyako had brought her army of Unidentified Mysterious Animals with her. There were no rules either. This was going to be chaotic. It was anarchy from the get-go as Obihiro and Kozo attacked from the start. Suruga had a UMA shirt on so Brookes tried to tear it off her and Akki admonished her from the commentary booth. Takanashi gained some control but he was quickly cut off by claws to the throat. The UMA was working on a whole new level and somehow outdoing CDK, even if it was with goblin tactics. Brookes was introduced to the Kappa-Roman Throat Hold and Takanashi was bitten as everyone showed a blatant disregard for fair play. This was war and CDK was losing badly. Every time they found a moment in the match, Kozo would bite or claw and take them back to square one. They locked on the submission train but another monster arrived to spoil their momentum, Super Kappa. The evolved form of Kappa Kozo had burst into the match and was swatting away CDK like they were nothing. With the scales tipped, the UMA continued to unleash their wrath on CDK and dominate the match, biting and clawing their competition.

CDK took advantage of missed headbutts and made another submission train but just like that, another monster burst onto the scene, Rubber Man. He crawled out of a cupboard and unleashed the power on rubber on CDK, countering their attacks through pure stretchiness. This was CDK’s worst nightmare, with three monsters, and Obihiro in firm control of the match. The UMA made full use of Rubber Man’s limbs, using them for long-distance clotheslines. CDK were knocked outside and the two teams brawled around the alley, everyone biting and clawing. Suruga was trying to do something but she was drowned out under the sea of chaos. They returned to the studio and UMA started mauling CDK with a traffic cone, putting it on Suruga’s head when she interjected. It was pandemonium and only getting worse as a senton train was unleashed on CDK. The UMA and Miyako stood tall over their prey. Antonio Honda came to CDK’s rescue with the power of song and seemed to be having some effect as the monsters swayed along. Then they destroyed him once his song was over. However, in their efforts to beat-up Honda, they left Kappa Kozo behind to get wrecked in a 2-on-1 assault from CDK, removing the UMA shirt from Suruga to choke him out with it. These tactics continued with Chocoboquet paper cuts and another across the teeth. Payback’s a bitch and so was CDK. They attacked Miyako too but the mat roll they used on her proved to be a teleporter and in her place, Tiger Jeet Shinjuku!

Yet another monster was running rampant on ChocoPro as Tiger Jeet gored his way through CDK. They’d dared to attack Miyako so he was tearing them apart with animalistic fury and raw power. The problem was that he had too much power and not enough control, leading him to wipe out his whole unit. He continued to brick-wall Brookes so Takanashi dropped a kettlebell on his foot so CDK could finally remove the Tiger. He was thrown out the window but they gained no respite as Obihiro came back in to throw more chops. She too was given the window treatment and hit a very special rendition of We Will Rock You. Obihiro looked to be about to die when Haru Miyako unleashed the UMA’s Ace in the Hole… The Death Worm! The Worm saved Obihiro and murdered Takanashi before getting respect and slaps from Brookes. The war was on. They fell out into the street and kept striking, disappearing into the street and fighting around Tokyo off-camera. Takanashi tried his hardest to keep the fight going in a four-vs-one fight and held strong. They weren’t trying to win; they were just trying to hurt. If they didn’t get a three-count, they attacked Suruga. No one was safe from the monster’s wrath. They were all continuously bludgeoning and bending Takanashi but he would not stop fighting back. He held on long enough for Brookes to come back, without Death Worm and make the save.

Brookes was knackered though and as such couldn’t offer much support as UMA rolled Takanashi in the mat to beat on him. The problem was, CDK could teleport too and the assault they’d been throwing had actually been on Obihiro. CDK was refreshed and began systematically removing monsters. Firstly, they tied up Rubber Man and locked him away. Super Kappa was hit with the Shotgun Neckbreaker and dried out with a hairdryer, killing him off. Then they focused their attention on their OG opponents, sparking another competitive fight between CDK and Kozo and Obihiro. They had Obihiro dead to rights when all of a sudden, Death Worm exploded back into the match. Sadly, the Worm was just as damaged from the tour of Tokyo as Brookes had been and could do nothing but take hits from CDK. They smashed Death Worm’s head in with a diving stomp and broke Obihiro’s heart. She had tried to pry Brookes from the top and was devastated to see Brookes’ boot meet Worm’s head. Takanashi took advantage with a roll-up and the match was over. CDK had just managed to best a whole multitude of foes to defend their titles. They had taken the might of the UMA and won.

I won’t lie, so many people are going to find this ridiculous. Me, I loved this. Character wrestling is an art-form unto itself and two see two series, super-talented wrestlers put on an all-out war with a host of horrifying monsters all boast brawling, and wrestling ability is brilliant to me. The drama, the tension, the trauma. All of it was amplified to ridiculous lengths and put on one hell of a fun match to illustrate this war with the UMA. Everyone was cut up about Death Worm’s sad end and to think, that’s not the only monster that CDK killed during this one. The UMA will be back, monsters don’t just go away… I can’t wait for their return though. Matches like this are amazing fun and I have a feeling that Miyako and her band of monsters will want revenge in the future. Especially as Death Worm still lives! CDK respects the immortal Death Worm.

All images courtesy of Gatoh Move, Sayaka Obihiro, Mei Suruga, Video courtesy of Gatoh Move YouTube

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